Sam: You're ranting, you know that? Really, you're sounding irrational. You're beginning to scare me. I think you have to take a serious look at yourself here, Carla.
Carla: Yeah, maybe you're right.
Sam: What were you going to do if it had been her?
Carla: Well, I had this storybook fantasy when I was a little girl about someday coming up behind her and shaving her head. [chuckles]
Sam: Well, I'm glad it turned out to be somebody else for everybody's sake.
Carla: I guess.

Cliff: There's a lovely young thing, huh? Perhaps I should just go and make my move.
Carla: Yeah, go ahead and faint.
Cliff: Yeah, all right. Ha, ha, ha. Look, some of you people have gotten the impression that I'm a little inexperienced in the ways of love. How many women do I have to conquer to forever lay to rest this misconception, huh?
Steve: One.
Cliff: All right. All right. I wasn't going do this, but look what I got in the mail this morning. Normie, what does that say?
Norm: "Inflatable Surprises Catalog."
Cliff: Yeah, well, my mother sent away for it. She likes to play tricks on the cat.

Cliff: No, this is the one I was looking for. Go ahead, what's the name on there?
Tom: Lanette Cahill. The Orange Blossom Motel.
Norm: Whoa, Cliffy, who's this?
Cliff: Ah, just, some damsel in Florida who I had a delight but doomed affair with while visiting. Poor thing. She just keeps begging me to come back to her.
Alan: Clavin, we're not falling for any of this.
Norm: Why don't you guys believe that Cliff had a little affair in Florida?
Tom: What?
Norm: I believe him. I mean she could have been drunk, blind, just out prison...
Cliff: Thank you, Norm.

Carla: Go check it out, Sam.
Sam: What am I going for?
Carla: Well, I can't do it. She'll recognise me and then I'll lose her. Come on, you got do this for me.
Sam: I will, but why don't I just go over there and ask her name?
Carla: No, that would arouse suspicion. Crawl over there and look at her ankle.
Sam: Much better. No, I am not going anywhere. Go wait on her yourself.
Carla: All right, I will. You all just watch and see what happens when she gets a look at me.

Frasier: That's quite a hill, isn't it?
Diane: Oh, you were magnificent. Magnificent.
Frasier: That was exhilarating.
Diane: It worries me, though. These risks you're taking.
Frasier: Oh, Diane, you know, some men live their lives avoiding danger. Frasier W. Crane seeks it.
Diane: Oh, Frasier, here let me put these away for you so we can both get off our feet.
[As Diane takes Frasier's skis, he bends down to undo his shoes. As he rises up, he is knocked on the head by the skis Diane is carrying over her shoulder. Frasier falls flat on the ground while she puts the skis away.
Diane: You just relax and make yourself comfortable. Tonight is your night. [sees Frasier] That's the spirit.

Kathy Settuducato: The capper of all time was when we glued Sister Scholastica to the radiator.
Carla: Who could forget the Frying Nun?
Donna Guzzo: Those were the good old days. Life was simple then. By the way, you two started packing it away at lunch when I said I was paying.
Carla: Hey, me and the kid here were just trying to keep up Kathy and her quadruplets.
Kathy Settuducato: Oh, please, don't even say it. I've already got six more than I can handle.
Mo McSweeney: You have only five kids.
Kathy Settuducato: I'm including my husband, Al. Who, if he touches me again, is dead.
Carla: Four mugs and a pitcher for me and my pals from St. Clete's.

Donna Guzzo: You know something? I envy all of you. Sure, I'm the one with the education, the money and the great career, but I'd trade my electrolysis license in for a family.
Carla: Mine's available.
Donna Guzzo: By the way, I can get rid of that little Fu Manchu you're starting there. [Mo gasps]
Kathy Settuducato: [as Sam brings their drinks] Man of my dreams.
Carla: Sorry, Sam, I can't take them anywhere.
Sam: It's all right. Four beers for the lynch mob.
Carla: Hey.
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin your wonderful surprise there.

Tim: So, Casanova, any new letters from your Florida conquest?
Cliff: Well, as a matter of fact, I did receive one today. Each one gets more heart-rendering than the last. This one, she tells me she'd give it all up just for my kiss.
Larry: She must mean her lunch.
Cliff: All right, wise guy.
Norm: Come on, Cliffie, let's go shoot some pool.
Cliff: Yeah, that's a good idea, Normie. You guys are just lucky that I used up all my aggressive male hormones with frequent sex.

Donna Guzzo: Okay, Carla. We're all here. Now you can tell us what this is about.
Carla: Well, ladies, I am really glad you're all sitting down because you are not going to believe this. I didn't believe it myself. I've found Dimeglio. [the ladies are silent]
Kathy Settuducato: Dimeglio? You mean our principal from St. Clete's?
Donna Guzzo: Oh, I heard she passed away.
Carla: Hell wouldn't take her. She comes in to this bar every night at seven o'clock, sits at this table and has a gin and grapefruit. And she will be here again tonight.
Mo McSweeney: So what?
Carla: So what? This is our chance to get her, to pay her back for all those lousy things she did to us.
Roxanne Brewster: Carla, that was 20 years ago. We were just girls.
Carla: But we took an oath that we'd get her. Don't you remember? [gasps] She's coming. All right, everybody, get behind the bar.

Carla: So, what do you think?
Kathy Settuducato: Carla, that's not her. She was a lot taller.
Carla: She wasn't tall. We were shorter.
Mo McSweeney: Mmm, I don't think so either. She was two times as big as that.
Carla: So what? So she lost a little weight. She's wearing contacts instead of glasses. That's her. I swear it.
Roxanne Brewster: It's been a long time, but I don't think it's her either.
Donna Guzzo: So what if it is? Who cares?
Carla: Get down! I care. All right, if you don't want to help me, I'll get her without you.