Norm: Who's the lovely lady Sam's talking to?
Carla: Another applicant for the waitress job.
Cliff: Eh, it isn't easy for him, probably, to find somebody to work for the wages he pays you, huh? [chuckles]
Carla: With tips I clear about 500 bucks a week, Clavin.
Cliff: That can't be right, is it?
Norm: I did her taxes.
Cliff: You mean to tell me that a Federal employee, entrusted with the most noble and vital service of our society, makes less money than some wench who serves beer to slobs on bar stools?
Norm: Makes sense to me, Cliffie. No, really, I could go up to three days or so without mail.

Lillian: Buck up, Sam. I'm sure it's all for the best. After all, you're young and not so schooled in the ways of love as l. Such a coupling could be fatal. Unfortunately, I've already had two husbands die in bed.
Sam: I'm sorry. What did they die of?
Lillian: [chuckles] You child.
Sam: Really?
Lillian: Yes, they fainted, which all my men do. But they never came to.
Sam: They fainted? You're saying that that's normal?
Lillian: Well, I don't want to gloat, but yes, it has been known.
Sam: Were these healthy guys to begin with?
Lillian: Well, they weren't athletes such as yourself, but they certainly weren't weaklings. And why do you ask?
Sam: Well, I was just thinking that maybe... No, no, you're right. You're absolutely right. Back to work.
Lillian: Yes, we must get back to work, Sam.
Sam: I don't want to beat this thing to death here, but when these guys went, were they, like, smiling?
Lillian: Ear to ear. And that was the grumpy one.

Sam: Lillian, I got a problem here. In the past I've gotten into trouble with my waitresses by getting romantically involved with them. Now, you are a fantastic waitress. I do not want to do anything to lose you.
Lillian: Don't say another word. I understand you completely.
Sam: You do?
Lillian: Of course.
Sam: Hey, thank you. I just wanted to... Well, I just wanted to get your approval first.
Lillian: Oh, Sam, how can you be so civilized when your very blood is boiling? [hugs Sam] Don't you think I haven't been feeling the same urges? Don't you think I haven't felt the same unconquerable chemistry? Don't you think denying ourselves hasn't been as treacherous for me as it has for you. That is what you meant, isn't it?
Sam: You bet. No, no, this whole thing just kind of snuck up on me, that's all.
Lillian: Well, I won't pretend this hasn't happened to me before. Spend any amount of time in a man's presence and I send out a sort of... Well, let's face it... erotic signals.

Carla: You know, Sam, when Diane left for Europe - thank you, God - you promised you were going to hire an actual waitress, not one of these girls that you love and leave. They're bad for business. They never last for more than a week and I end up doing all the work.
Sam: Well, that's why I'm allowing you to give your approval before I hire them, but you don't have to be so picky.
Carla: All I want is someone who doesn't make us think of the word boob at the same time.

Sam: Hi there, Brenda. Come on down here. Let's take a look at your application. Oh, well, I see that your turn-ons include banana daiquiris by a fireside, and men in tight jeans.
Brenda: You're cute.
Sam: Well, I'm sold. Why don't you just come right over here. Carla, I'd like you to meet Brenda.
Carla: Beat it, Brenda.
Brenda: But, Sam-
Carla: You heard me, honey. Back to the bimbo union hall.

Norm: So, the search continues, Sammy?
Sam: Yeah, boy, it's tough being me. Okay, Lillian Huxley.
[A middle-aged, portly British woman stands up]
Lillian: How do you do, Mr. Malone?
Sam: Hi there, Lillian. Boy, thank you very much for coming down, but unfortunately this position has been filled already. Tell you what, we'll keep your resume on file just in case.
Carla: Freeze, slimeball.
Sam: Yes, Carla?
Carla: You lech. This is the best resume I've ever seen. Look at these references. She's been schlepping booze for 25 years.
Lillian: And my turn-ons include hunting dogs, Thackeray and Welsh rarebit.

Carla: She's exactly what we need. A career waitress.
Sam: You are?
Lillian: Oh, that I am, Mr. Malone. You see, I'm one of those fortunate people who felt the irresistible tug of their true calling early in life. [puts down her purse, picks up a bar towel] When I was but 18, I filled in one day for a mate at a pub. Excuse me. [wipes down a table] I realized that day that I could have no happier or finer destiny in store than distributing refreshments in a public house. Oh, through the years I've lead many a rugger side in a bawdy song, and countless times offered my shoulder to cry on. But never once have I regretted my decision. I shall consider my life well spent if it can be honestly carved on my gravestone, "Lillian Huxley never kept a thirsty man waiting for his ale, and she always brought him a wee bit more than a pint." [applause]
Carla: Bravo!
Sam: I'm not too sure I like her attitude.

Cliff: Oh, my aching back. My postal career is over.
Sam: Ooh. Cliff, you look terrible. Was today Sears catalog day?
Cliff: That's right. Yeah and that's not all. Spiegel catalog came out at the same time. Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.
Lillian: Come here, you great silly sausage.
Cliff: Why, what's going on?
Lillian: Hush, pet. Fear not. One, two... [cracks Cliff's back]
Cliff: Hey, Lillian, thank you very much. I feel like grabbing every woman in the joint and just dancing.
Carla: How much to put him back the way he was?

Sam: So, Carolyn, how do you like Boston now that you've seen the sight?
Carolyn: I love it.
Carla: Sam, could I talk to you?
Sam: Not now.
Carla: Now.
Sam: Carla, I'm on final approach and I've been cleared for landing.
Carla: Haul your butt over here now, sky king.

Carla: If you take Carolyn out, it's going to go bad like always and you are going to lose the two best waitresses you ever had.
Sam: Carla, I hardly-
Carla: I'm warning you, Sam. You go out with her and I quit.
Sam: Oh, you don't mean that.
Carla: Yeah? Try me.
Sam: OK, all right. As far as I'm concerned, Carolyn's off limits.
Carla: That's your brain talking, Sam. I would like to hear from the part of your body that does the thinking.
Sam: It's in agreement, too.