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Cheers: The Bartender's Tale

323. The Bartender's Tale

Aired April 18, 1985

Sam hires a new waitress who gets Carla's seal of approval: she's charming, talented and, best of all, Sam doesn't want to sleep with her.

Quote from Cliff

Norm: Who's the lovely lady Sam's talking to?
Carla: Another applicant for the waitress job.
Cliff: Eh, it isn't easy for him, probably, to find somebody to work for the wages he pays you, huh? [chuckles]
Carla: With tips I clear about 500 bucks a week, Clavin.
Cliff: That can't be right, is it?
Norm: I did her taxes.
Cliff: You mean to tell me that a Federal employee, entrusted with the most noble and vital service of our society, makes less money than some wench who serves beer to slobs on bar stools?
Norm: Makes sense to me, Cliffie. No, really, I could go up to three days or so without mail.

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Quote from Sam

Lillian: Buck up, Sam. I'm sure it's all for the best. After all, you're young and not so schooled in the ways of love as l. Such a coupling could be fatal. Unfortunately, I've already had two husbands die in bed.
Sam: I'm sorry. What did they die of?
Lillian: [chuckles] You child.
Sam: Really?
Lillian: Yes, they fainted, which all my men do. But they never came to.
Sam: They fainted? You're saying that that's normal?
Lillian: Well, I don't want to gloat, but yes, it has been known.
Sam: Were these healthy guys to begin with?
Lillian: Well, they weren't athletes such as yourself, but they certainly weren't weaklings. And why do you ask?
Sam: Well, I was just thinking that maybe... No, no, you're right. You're absolutely right. Back to work.
Lillian: Yes, we must get back to work, Sam.
Sam: I don't want to beat this thing to death here, but when these guys went, were they, like, smiling?
Lillian: Ear to ear. And that was the grumpy one.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Lillian, I got a problem here. In the past I've gotten into trouble with my waitresses by getting romantically involved with them. Now, you are a fantastic waitress. I do not want to do anything to lose you.
Lillian: Don't say another word. I understand you completely.
Sam: You do?
Lillian: Of course.
Sam: Hey, thank you. I just wanted to... Well, I just wanted to get your approval first.
Lillian: Oh, Sam, how can you be so civilized when your very blood is boiling? [hugs Sam] Don't you think I haven't been feeling the same urges? Don't you think I haven't felt the same unconquerable chemistry? Don't you think denying ourselves hasn't been as treacherous for me as it has for you. That is what you meant, isn't it?
Sam: You bet. No, no, this whole thing just kind of snuck up on me, that's all.
Lillian: Well, I won't pretend this hasn't happened to me before. Spend any amount of time in a man's presence and I send out a sort of... Well, let's face it... erotic signals.

Quote from Carla

Carla: You know, Sam, when Diane left for Europe - thank you, God - you promised you were going to hire an actual waitress, not one of these girls that you love and leave. They're bad for business. They never last for more than a week and I end up doing all the work.
Sam: Well, that's why I'm allowing you to give your approval before I hire them, but you don't have to be so picky.
Carla: All I want is someone who doesn't make us think of the word boob at the same time.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Hi there, Brenda. Come on down here. Let's take a look at your application. Oh, well, I see that your turn-ons include banana daiquiris by a fireside, and men in tight jeans.
Brenda: You're cute.
Sam: Well, I'm sold. Why don't you just come right over here. Carla, I'd like you to meet Brenda.
Carla: Beat it, Brenda.
Brenda: But, Sam-
Carla: You heard me, honey. Back to the bimbo union hall.

Quote from Sam

Norm: So, the search continues, Sammy?
Sam: Yeah, boy, it's tough being me. Okay, Lillian Huxley.
[A middle-aged, portly British woman stands up]
Lillian: How do you do, Mr. Malone?
Sam: Hi there, Lillian. Boy, thank you very much for coming down, but unfortunately this position has been filled already. Tell you what, we'll keep your resume on file just in case.
Carla: Freeze, slimeball.
Sam: Yes, Carla?
Carla: You lech. This is the best resume I've ever seen. Look at these references. She's been schlepping booze for 25 years.
Lillian: And my turn-ons include hunting dogs, Thackeray and Welsh rarebit.

Quote from Sam

Carla: She's exactly what we need. A career waitress.
Sam: You are?
Lillian: Oh, that I am, Mr. Malone. You see, I'm one of those fortunate people who felt the irresistible tug of their true calling early in life. [puts down her purse, picks up a bar towel] When I was but 18, I filled in one day for a mate at a pub. Excuse me. [wipes down a table] I realized that day that I could have no happier or finer destiny in store than distributing refreshments in a public house. Oh, through the years I've lead many a rugger side in a bawdy song, and countless times offered my shoulder to cry on. But never once have I regretted my decision. I shall consider my life well spent if it can be honestly carved on my gravestone, "Lillian Huxley never kept a thirsty man waiting for his ale, and she always brought him a wee bit more than a pint." [applause]
Carla: Bravo!
Sam: I'm not too sure I like her attitude.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Oh, my aching back. My postal career is over.
Sam: Ooh. Cliff, you look terrible. Was today Sears catalog day?
Cliff: That's right. Yeah and that's not all. Spiegel catalog came out at the same time. Yeah, it's a phenomenon that happens once every 27 years when both marketing strategies are in the same equinox.
Lillian: Come here, you great silly sausage.
Cliff: Why, what's going on?
Lillian: Hush, pet. Fear not. One, two... [cracks Cliff's back]
Cliff: Hey, Lillian, thank you very much. I feel like grabbing every woman in the joint and just dancing.
Carla: How much to put him back the way he was?

Quote from Sam

Sam: So, Carolyn, how do you like Boston now that you've seen the sight?
Carolyn: I love it.
Carla: Sam, could I talk to you?
Sam: Not now.
Carla: Now.
Sam: Carla, I'm on final approach and I've been cleared for landing.
Carla: Haul your butt over here now, sky king.

Quote from Carla

Carla: If you take Carolyn out, it's going to go bad like always and you are going to lose the two best waitresses you ever had.
Sam: Carla, I hardly-
Carla: I'm warning you, Sam. You go out with her and I quit.
Sam: Oh, you don't mean that.
Carla: Yeah? Try me.
Sam: OK, all right. As far as I'm concerned, Carolyn's off limits.
Carla: That's your brain talking, Sam. I would like to hear from the part of your body that does the thinking.
Sam: It's in agreement, too.

Quote from Sam

Sam: [as Sam fills up a bucket of ice] Interesting shot. I like that one. That's nice. That's nice lighting on that one. Bet they used an f-stop on that one. Now, see, I like the composition on that. What are those? Ducks?
Carolyn: Yes, that's right. I really didn't want to do this one nude, but you know...
Sam: [Sam starts shoveling the ice into thin air] No, I think it's very tasteful. It makes a point.
Norm: Sammy, the ice.
Sam: Oh, thank you very much. Could you just give me a second here?
[As Sam walks away, he puts a scoop of ice down his shirt]

Quote from Cliff

Norm: She's really coming on to Sam, isn't she?
Cliff: Sam? That's rich. Norm, you know, your naivety amazes me.
Norm: What are you talking about?
Cliff: That woman? She's doing all this for my benefit. Now, you notice she's talking loud so I can hear everything? That woman wants me more than any woman has wanted me before.
Norm: Cliffie, sometimes you really scare me.

Quote from Sam

Carolyn: Sam, what about this Cape Cod place I've been hearing about? I hear that it's delightful and terribly romantic at this time of year.
Sam: Well, you know, I guess it could be. Yeah.
Carolyn: Tell me, are there any clothing-optional beaches there? I like to get an all-over tan. Oh, I know it's a lot more common in Europe than it is in America, so I came prepared with a bikini, but it's such a skimpy little thing anyway.
Sam: Carla.
Carolyn: I'm having a real hard time with this map. I just can't make head or tail of it. I really don't think I'm going to be able to find my way there.
Sam: I'll take you. I'll take you. I'll take you.
Carolyn: Oh, great. What a lovely surprise.
Sam: I'll take you. I'll let Carla go and I'll take you. I'll turn this into a self-serve bar and I'll take you.

Quote from Sam

Carla: What happened? And I already know it's bad.
Sam: No, it's worse than you think. Lillian thought that I wanted to go out with her. She's sitting in there with a case of the third-degree Sammies.
Carla: [hits Sam with her bar towel] I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
Sam: Don't panic, will you? Just trust me, I can handle this. We need a solution. I can always fall back on the truth, I guess.
Carla: No, you can't do that. Nuh-uh. If you tell her you're not interested now, she's going to get hurt and quit. If she gets hurt and quits, I'll be hurt and quit. If I get hurt and quit, then you'll be as good as dead.
Sam: Oh, boy, what am I going to do? My mind doesn't work like this. It's trained to get women into bed. What would Diane do?
Carla: Talk till we puke.
Sam: Probably.

Quote from Sam

Carla: I got it. I got it. Lillian is smarter than us, right? You go in there and tell her, "Lillian, we can't do this, because.... Well, you know."
Sam: No, I don't.
Carla: Sam, that's what you say. She'll think of something and fill in the rest.
Sam: Oh, that's brilliant. That's brilliant. How does the part go that I say again? [Carla sighs] Come on.
Carla: "We can't do this, because... well, you know."
Sam: No, I don't. I wouldn't be asking you to repeat it if I did. [Carla sprays Sam with the bar hose] Oh, right, right, right, right. That's perfect.

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