Marvin: What am I doing? I mean, who am I kidding? She's a tramp. I mean, I think I've always known it and I've never admitted it. You got anything to drink?
Sam: Yeah, I think I got a bottle here, someplace. Scotch all right?
Marvin: Yes. Yeah, bring it over, will you?
Sam: You're not a mean drunk, are you?
Marvin: No, just a stupid one. By the way, don't flatter yourself thinking that you're the first, huh? I mean, there have been others.
Sam: Hmm. Well, just out of curiosity, are they still with us? [chuckles]

Marvin: If she just weren't so damn gorgeous, Sam.
Sam: Yeah, I know. I know. It's tough being married to a beautiful woman. You know, it's like that sweet old love ballad says "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life Never make a pretty woman your wife From my personal point of view Get an ugly girl to marry you" Remember that?
Marvin: Oh, I should have listened! I'm really sorry, Sam. I've been out of my mind. Women! Look what they bring us to.
Sam: Oh, I tell you, they put you through hell, don't they? You know, I get the feeling they enjoy it, too.
Marvin: Yes.
Sam: [takes Marvin's gun] Why don't I just hold on to this, huh? Put it someplace where it's not going to do any damage.
[As Sam goes to put the gun in his back pocket, it fires]
Sam: Gee, I wish I hadn't done that.

Coach: Sam! What in the hell happened to you?
Sam: Oh, nothing, really. Nothing at all.
Coach: What do you mean nothing? You come limping in with a cane.
Sam: Well, there was a little trouble in the bar last night, but it was no big deal.
Cliff: Well, what happened, Sam? Come on.
Sam: Uh... Well, a thief broke in... And l had to run him out and... l caught a bullet in the... the leg here.
Coach: A bullet in the leg!
Sam: Come on, it's no big deal. Let's just go back to our business, huh?
Diane: Good Lord, Sam, you grappled with an armed marauder? You could have lost your life!
Sam: Well, I guess I could have. But that's something you only think about afterwards, really.
Norm: Oof, talk about guts!
Sam: Oh, no, no. It had nothing to do with guts, Normie. It's just reflex. I am an athlete.
Cliff: Let's hear it for Mayday. Another save, huh? [applause]

Diane: Sam, when you say in the leg-
Sam: All right, all right, so it wasn't exactly the leg. It was a little higher up.
Diane: Well, the important thing is that you're OK. But exactly how did they manage to shoot you in the "l know what"?
Sam: Well, you know, when you're surrounded by marauders with automatic weapons, the bullets ricochet...
Maxine: [enters] Sam!
Sam: Maxine?
Maxine: When my husband left last night with a gun, I never ever thought he would...
Sam: Of course you didn't think- Why would you think of something that had nothing to do with anything that's ever happened to me! [escorts Maxine out of his office] Say, you know, I've got a question for you, Diane. Whatever happened to the old metric system? Weren't we supposed to change all those measuring cups?

Sam: Just promise me, will you? Just don't say anything.
Diane: Sure, Sam. I won't blow your story but I must warn you... The bigger the lie, the bigger the fool one might appear later to be.
Sam: Well, whatever. The thing is that I did get a little carried away, but there's no harm done and it's all over. So, let's just forget it.
Carla: [opens door] Hey, Sam, come quick. There's a film crew from the six o'clock news out here.
Sam: Oh, gee. Oh, my God. Gee, I wonder what they want, huh?

Coach: So, Cliffie, are you going to buy Norm's house or not?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, you betcha, Coach. Don't tell him I said so, but the building inspector I sent there to check it out says his house is in terrific shape.
Diane: Coach, draft, please.
Coach: Well, why wouldn't you want to tell him a thing like that?
Cliff: Coach, the guy is really hot to sell. I'm going to low-ball him on this one, take his shirt and he's going to end up looking like a giant sap.
Diane: Clifford! I can't believe my ears.
Carla: Gee, and I've never believed your hair or your nose. What does that leave us?
Diane: You would take advantage of your best friend?
Cliff: Oh, Diane, friendship has its place, but not in the world of business. Especially in real estate where it's strictly dog-eat-dog.
[Norm returns from the bathroom]
Carla: One fidoburger coming up!

Cliff: Norm! Could I have your ear for a second? Despite my building inspector's protest, I've decided to put a bid on your house. There it is. I'm afraid that's going have to be my top offer.
Norm: Whoa. You got yourself a deal!
Cliff: [excited] Hey! [confused] What?
Norm: Everybody, I sold the house!
Coach: Normie sold the house.
Norm: I'll tell Vera I can look at that place with the pool room.
Cliff: Ah, Normie, that's an eight there.
Norm: An eight? I thought it was a two! Ooh, at last, English-speaking neighbors.
Cliff: Hey, Norm, there's something about this house that I don't know, just what is it?
Norm: The market value.
Cliff: You know, that paper's not notarized there, Norm.

Marvin: Hello again, Sam.
Sam: Hello, Marvin. How are you doing?
Marvin: Well, this thing has turned out pretty good for you, hasn't it, Sam.
Sam: Yeah.
Marvin: I saw you on TV. There you were, the scum who was messing around with my wife. And they're treating you like you're some kind of hero.
Sam: You want to stop pointing guns at me, Marvin, huh?
Diane: [enters] Sam? [sees Marvin with the guy] Don't mind me, just carry on as if I weren't here.
Marvin: Hey, hey, hey. You're not going anywhere.
Sam: Come on, Marvin. Let her go.
Marvin: Why? So she can call the police?
Diane: The police? Obviously, sir, you don't know me. I strongly believe there is far too much government interference in our lives as it is.
Marvin: Hey, get back here.

Sam: Oh, this is crazy. I mean, I was already shot once because of you. We're even.
Marvin: Oh, no, Sam, we're not even. Not yet. You know, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't work! All I can think about is you and my wife-
Sam: Diane, isn't that a run in your stocking?
Diane: Oh, my! You're right! What a nasty run. Look at that.
Marvin: Oh, just put some nail polish on it.
Diane: Oh, I don't think nail polish will work on a run this large and high up on one's thigh. Do you, Marvin?
Marvin: [turns towards Diane] Look, shut up!
[Sam tries, and fails, to karate kick the guy out of Marvin's hand]
Sam: He-yah! Ooh. Just working a cramp out. There you go.
Marvin: You'd better not try that again.
Sam: Don't worry.

Diane: Excuse me, Marvin? Listen to me. You're having trouble with your marriage, aren't you? Believe me, I understand how you feel.
Marvin: Nobody understands how I feel.
Diane: I do!
Marvin: Oh, sure, sure! You ever been in love with trash?
Diane: Yes! This disgusting pile right here.
Marvin: Sam?
Diane: Exactly. He's trash. But l... I love him with all my heart.
Marvin: Why?
Diane: Because... I've got to. You tell me. Why do you love her? Because neither one of us can help it. But I'm asking you as a favor from one sucker to another, don't waste my fella.