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‘Sam Turns the Other Cheek’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Sam Turns the Other Cheek

305. Sam Turns the Other Cheek

Aired November 1, 1984

When Sam is injured after a confrontation with a jealous husband, he tells the bar a story that paints him as a hero.

Quote from Diane

Diane: So that was your act of heroism? Mayday's moment of truth? Getting shot in the fanny while in flight from a jealous husband.
Sam: Hey, now, wait! Who said I was running away?
Diane: How else do you explain the location of your wound?
Sam: Well, I could have been coming at him and turned a somersault to throw off his aim.
Diane: You know, you're very lucky that you didn't get any brain damage.

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Quote from Carla

Carla: Hey, everybody! Great day, isn't it?
Coach: Carla, did you get your tooth fixed?
Carla: Yep, I am never going to be afraid to go to the dentist again. I've found a way to communicate with him.
Norm: How's that?
Carla: Well, as he leaned in with his drill I grabbed him where I knew I could get his attention and I said, "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?"
Norm: All right.
Diane: Carla? Did that work?
Carla: We're having a late dinner.

Quote from Norm

Sam: She was married. No, no, she told me just right now. Now that's something I don't do. I don't mess around with married women.
Norm: Me neither.

Quote from Cliff

Coach: What's wrong with where you're living, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, nothing, really, Coach. I just thought it's about time I got a place of my own.
Norm: Of your own? Where do you live now?
Cliff: Oh, you know where I live.
Norm: No, I've never been there.
Cliff: Well, l... live at home.
Norm: At home? Whose home?
Cliff: Uh, my parents' home. No big deal. Good night, guys.
Norm: Parents? Cliffie, wait, you live with mommy and daddy?
Cliff: I... l live with my mother, Norm.
Norm: For what?
Cliff: Well, it's not out of choice, Norm. It's out of more of a sense of responsibility. You see, my father abandoned us a couple of years ago and I've sort of become the man of the house.
Norm: So you've got, like, a curfew or anything?
Cliff: [scoffs] Curfew! Come on, Norm. I can stay out as long as I call by ten.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Coach, I think there's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
Coach: It's all that cheese.

Quote from Diane

Norm: You want to tell me what was wrong with that one, Sammy? Boy, she looked perfect. Body was a ten.
Cliff: So was her face.
Diane: So was her IQ. Sam's kind of gal.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Well, it's refreshing to know you draw the line somewhere.
Sam: Hey, hey. I draw lots of lines. A matter of fact, there are three categories of women I never get involved with: married, underage, and comatose.
Norm: He's added one.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, may I have my purse, please?
Sam: What are you grinning about?
Diane: Oh, I was just confirming once again what a fortunate thing it was that you and I split up. Now my love life is stable and yours belongs in one. [laughs] I'll have to share that one with Frasier. Puns are his greatest pleasure.
Sam: You mean now that he's sleeping with you?

Quote from Coach

Coach: Carla, why don't you do with a toothache what I used to do when I played in the minors?
Carla: What's that, Coach?
Coach: Saw a dentist.

Quote from Sam

Coach: Gee, Sam, you should give us some details.
Sam: Details, huh? All right, that's easy enough. Well, Coach, uh... These guys burst into the bar and they...
Diane: Wait a minute. I thought it was just one guy.
Sam: No, I just said one guy had a gun... that I saw. I mean, they could have all had guns, but as soon as they saw what I did to their pal, they just took off out of there. I mean, basically, they were all cowards, really.
Cliff: Amen to that, Sammy.
Sam: All right, Coach. The guy was holding his gun on me and, well, I waited for the right moment and then I just kicked out with my leg, kind of like... Oh, I guess the closest comparison would be Bruce Lee, really. See, I made contact with the gun and he pulled the trigger, the bullet caught me in my leg and the gun went flying. And the rest just took off out of there.
Norm: Big save! [all chant] Mayday! Mayday!
Sam: Oh, come on, you guys! Well, I guess I really shouldn't have done it, but I'll tell you something. The next time one of those drunk, drugged-out punks decide to break in and take advantage of an honest citizen, they'll think twice about it, I'll tell you. [applause] Oh, you guys!
Coach: Just like the old days, Sam? Where are you going, Mayday? [slaps Sam on the behind]
Sam: [jumps] Ow! Well, I can still dance on it, huh?

Quote from Diane

Sam: All right, look, let's get our facts straight here, huh? I did not know she was married. I cut it off as soon as I found out. And I was not running away, I was putting the gun in my back pocket when it went off.
Diane: Oh. [chuckles] This is a perfect comment on your lifestyle. Will you answer me one question?
Sam: What?
Diane: When you went to the doctor, did you ask him to get the lead out?
Sam: Oh, Frasier's gonna love that one, isn't he?
Diane: Oh, Frasier's weekend is made.
Sam: Oh, come on, no jokes. Just do me one favor.
Diane: I will not change your dressing.
Sam: No, no, no. Listen, just back me up on this, will you? If everybody finds out what really happened...
Diane: They might make you the butt of their jokes? [laughs] I'll save that one for his birthday.

Quote from Carla

Carla: What a night! $200 in tips.
Coach: What are you gonna do with all that money, Carla?
Carla: I'm going spend it all on my kids.
Coach: Good girl!
Carla: How many gunny sacks and one-way tickets do you think it'll buy?
Coach: Gee, I don't know, Carla.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Oh, come on, what are you looking at me like that for?
Diane: Never mind.
Sam: Oh, come on. What's the problem?
Diane: You're living a lie, Sam. I know you won't listen to me, but our parents were right when they said, "No one profits by deceit."
Sam: [rings the cash register] Sorry there, Diane, tonight's receipts are making too much noise. I can't hear you.
Diane: Okay, I honestly don't care what you do. But I must say I'm a little disappointed.
Sam: Oh, you're sure you don't want to hang around, get naked and roll around in all my money? [Diane exits] You're no fun any more.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I don't believe this. You just saved my life with that ridiculous story. I'm not sure I know what to do to thank you.
Diane: Well, I can think of something. But I don't think you're prepared to do it.
Sam: Come on, of course I am. Let's just go in my office here. Unfortunately, I'm injured, so you're going to have to do most of the work.
Diane: Good night, Sam.
Sam: Oh, I was kidding! I was kidding.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I know what you're thinking about. You want me to set the record straight with everybody about what happened the other night. Right? All right, I will. As a matter of fact, I'm going to call the newspaper right now.
Diane: Well, I didn't ask you to do that.
Sam: I know. I know, but I'm going to. Because this is important. Because your respect for me is important to me. I always pretend it isn't, but the truth is, I want you to think I'm a good person.
Diane: Really, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, really.
Diane: Sometimes you surprise me, Mr. Malone. And that's wonderful.
Sam: Yeah. [on the phone] Hello, can I speak to the City Desk, please? Is anyone else in? Well, who am I speaking to then? Oh. Well, all right, Emily, this is Sam Malone and I'm calling because I- You heard about that, huh? Well, listen, the thing is that a lot of people have been making a big deal- Well, I'd like to meet you, too. What time do you get off work? [Diane starts to leave] No, 4:00 am, that's no problem for me. No. [laughs] That's great, yeah. Well... Afraid? Well, Emily, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't, but the... Emily, you're not married, are you?

Quote from Cliff

Sam: I'm sorry it has to be like this.
Maxine: Why? [sobs]
Norm: Back up the garbage truck, Cliffie. Entering Dump City.
Cliff: Hey, hey, hey. Come on, let's have a little sensitivity here. I mean, that's a living, feeling human being there who is about to be blown out of the water. Coach, you want to stand aside? I can't see anything here.

Quote from Diane

Maxine: Sam, I know it's my fault. I should have said something sooner.
Sam: No, I'm sorry, it's just that I told you, it's a rule with me. No, it's the right thing to do. I think we both realize that.
Maxine: I suppose you're right.
Sam: Yes.
Maxine: But don't you think that if we worked-
Sam: Come on, let's make a- Let's make a clean break. Stop now and we'll still have all those terrific memories. Now go, go. Don't make it any tougher.
Maxine: Goodbye, Sam.
Sam: Goodbye.
Diane: Available in paperback wherever nauseating trash is sold.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Carla, that was a mean-spirited, tasteless insult. Why aren't you chortling?
Carla: Leave me alone. I've got the worst toothache in the history of the world.
Diane: Oh, it must be an impacted wisdom fang!
Carla: Die! You're going to die!

Quote from Carla

Carla: You're right, Coach. I'm going to have to go tomorrow. You know, I got my bad dental habits from my parents. They taught me to brush after every war.

Quote from Sam

Sam: I'm sorry, we're closed.
Marvin: That's OK. I'm not a customer. I'm looking for Sam Malone.
Sam: You found him.
Marvin: I'm Maxine's husband.
Sam: Not the Sam Malone, a Sam Malone. Not the one you're looking for though.
Marvin: [pulls out a gun] Why did you do it, Sam?
Sam: Now, wait, wait! You just listen to me. I did not know that she was married. Come on, she just told me today, and the second I found out, I called it off. I mean, that was it. I mean, ask her. I may have done a lot of lousy things in my life, but I do not mess around with other men's wives.
Marvin: So what are you saying, it's all her fault?
Sam: No, no. I'm not saying it's anybody's fault. It was just a big mistake, that's all. I know we've all been hurt by this... and I'm sorry.

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