Diane: So that was your act of heroism? Mayday's moment of truth? Getting shot in the fanny while in flight from a jealous husband.
Sam: Hey, now, wait! Who said I was running away?
Diane: How else do you explain the location of your wound?
Sam: Well, I could have been coming at him and turned a somersault to throw off his aim.
Diane: You know, you're very lucky that you didn't get any brain damage.

Carla: Hey, everybody! Great day, isn't it?
Coach: Carla, did you get your tooth fixed?
Carla: Yep, I am never going to be afraid to go to the dentist again. I've found a way to communicate with him.
Norm: How's that?
Carla: Well, as he leaned in with his drill I grabbed him where I knew I could get his attention and I said, "We're not going to hurt each other, are we?"
Norm: All right.
Diane: Carla? Did that work?
Carla: We're having a late dinner.

Sam: She was married. No, no, she told me just right now. Now that's something I don't do. I don't mess around with married women.
Norm: Me neither.

Coach: What's wrong with where you're living, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, nothing, really, Coach. I just thought it's about time I got a place of my own.
Norm: Of your own? Where do you live now?
Cliff: Oh, you know where I live.
Norm: No, I've never been there.
Cliff: Well, l... live at home.
Norm: At home? Whose home?
Cliff: Uh, my parents' home. No big deal. Good night, guys.
Norm: Parents? Cliffie, wait, you live with mommy and daddy?
Cliff: I... l live with my mother, Norm.
Norm: For what?
Cliff: Well, it's not out of choice, Norm. It's out of more of a sense of responsibility. You see, my father abandoned us a couple of years ago and I've sort of become the man of the house.
Norm: So you've got, like, a curfew or anything?
Cliff: [scoffs] Curfew! Come on, Norm. I can stay out as long as I call by ten.

Diane: Coach, I think there's something rotten in the state of Denmark.
Coach: It's all that cheese.

Norm: You want to tell me what was wrong with that one, Sammy? Boy, she looked perfect. Body was a ten.
Cliff: So was her face.
Diane: So was her IQ. Sam's kind of gal.

Diane: Well, it's refreshing to know you draw the line somewhere.
Sam: Hey, hey. I draw lots of lines. A matter of fact, there are three categories of women I never get involved with: married, underage, and comatose.
Norm: He's added one.

Diane: Sam, may I have my purse, please?
Sam: What are you grinning about?
Diane: Oh, I was just confirming once again what a fortunate thing it was that you and I split up. Now my love life is stable and yours belongs in one. [laughs] I'll have to share that one with Frasier. Puns are his greatest pleasure.
Sam: You mean now that he's sleeping with you?

Coach: Carla, why don't you do with a toothache what I used to do when I played in the minors?
Carla: What's that, Coach?
Coach: Saw a dentist.

Coach: Gee, Sam, you should give us some details.
Sam: Details, huh? All right, that's easy enough. Well, Coach, uh... These guys burst into the bar and they...
Diane: Wait a minute. I thought it was just one guy.
Sam: No, I just said one guy had a gun... that I saw. I mean, they could have all had guns, but as soon as they saw what I did to their pal, they just took off out of there. I mean, basically, they were all cowards, really.
Cliff: Amen to that, Sammy.
Sam: All right, Coach. The guy was holding his gun on me and, well, I waited for the right moment and then I just kicked out with my leg, kind of like... Oh, I guess the closest comparison would be Bruce Lee, really. See, I made contact with the gun and he pulled the trigger, the bullet caught me in my leg and the gun went flying. And the rest just took off out of there.
Norm: Big save! [all chant] Mayday! Mayday!
Sam: Oh, come on, you guys! Well, I guess I really shouldn't have done it, but I'll tell you something. The next time one of those drunk, drugged-out punks decide to break in and take advantage of an honest citizen, they'll think twice about it, I'll tell you. [applause] Oh, you guys!
Coach: Just like the old days, Sam? Where are you going, Mayday? [slaps Sam on the behind]
Sam: [jumps] Ow! Well, I can still dance on it, huh?