Sam: All right, look, let's get our facts straight here, huh? I did not know she was married. I cut it off as soon as I found out. And I was not running away, I was putting the gun in my back pocket when it went off.
Diane: Oh. [chuckles] This is a perfect comment on your lifestyle. Will you answer me one question?
Sam: What?
Diane: When you went to the doctor, did you ask him to get the lead out?
Sam: Oh, Frasier's gonna love that one, isn't he?
Diane: Oh, Frasier's weekend is made.
Sam: Oh, come on, no jokes. Just do me one favor.
Diane: I will not change your dressing.
Sam: No, no, no. Listen, just back me up on this, will you? If everybody finds out what really happened...
Diane: They might make you the butt of their jokes? [laughs] I'll save that one for his birthday.

Carla: What a night! $200 in tips.
Coach: What are you gonna do with all that money, Carla?
Carla: I'm going spend it all on my kids.
Coach: Good girl!
Carla: How many gunny sacks and one-way tickets do you think it'll buy?
Coach: Gee, I don't know, Carla.

Sam: Oh, come on, what are you looking at me like that for?
Diane: Never mind.
Sam: Oh, come on. What's the problem?
Diane: You're living a lie, Sam. I know you won't listen to me, but our parents were right when they said, "No one profits by deceit."
Sam: [rings the cash register] Sorry there, Diane, tonight's receipts are making too much noise. I can't hear you.
Diane: Okay, I honestly don't care what you do. But I must say I'm a little disappointed.
Sam: Oh, you're sure you don't want to hang around, get naked and roll around in all my money? [Diane exits] You're no fun any more.

Sam: I don't believe this. You just saved my life with that ridiculous story. I'm not sure I know what to do to thank you.
Diane: Well, I can think of something. But I don't think you're prepared to do it.
Sam: Come on, of course I am. Let's just go in my office here. Unfortunately, I'm injured, so you're going to have to do most of the work.
Diane: Good night, Sam.
Sam: Oh, I was kidding! I was kidding.

Sam: I know what you're thinking about. You want me to set the record straight with everybody about what happened the other night. Right? All right, I will. As a matter of fact, I'm going to call the newspaper right now.
Diane: Well, I didn't ask you to do that.
Sam: I know. I know, but I'm going to. Because this is important. Because your respect for me is important to me. I always pretend it isn't, but the truth is, I want you to think I'm a good person.
Diane: Really, Sam?
Sam: Yeah, really.
Diane: Sometimes you surprise me, Mr. Malone. And that's wonderful.
Sam: Yeah. [on the phone] Hello, can I speak to the City Desk, please? Is anyone else in? Well, who am I speaking to then? Oh. Well, all right, Emily, this is Sam Malone and I'm calling because I- You heard about that, huh? Well, listen, the thing is that a lot of people have been making a big deal- Well, I'd like to meet you, too. What time do you get off work? [Diane starts to leave] No, 4:00 am, that's no problem for me. No. [laughs] That's great, yeah. Well... Afraid? Well, Emily, I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't, but the... Emily, you're not married, are you?

Sam: I'm sorry it has to be like this.
Maxine: Why? [sobs]
Norm: Back up the garbage truck, Cliffie. Entering Dump City.
Cliff: Hey, hey, hey. Come on, let's have a little sensitivity here. I mean, that's a living, feeling human being there who is about to be blown out of the water. Coach, you want to stand aside? I can't see anything here.

Maxine: Sam, I know it's my fault. I should have said something sooner.
Sam: No, I'm sorry, it's just that I told you, it's a rule with me. No, it's the right thing to do. I think we both realize that.
Maxine: I suppose you're right.
Sam: Yes.
Maxine: But don't you think that if we worked-
Sam: Come on, let's make a- Let's make a clean break. Stop now and we'll still have all those terrific memories. Now go, go. Don't make it any tougher.
Maxine: Goodbye, Sam.
Sam: Goodbye.
Diane: Available in paperback wherever nauseating trash is sold.

Diane: Carla, that was a mean-spirited, tasteless insult. Why aren't you chortling?
Carla: Leave me alone. I've got the worst toothache in the history of the world.
Diane: Oh, it must be an impacted wisdom fang!
Carla: Die! You're going to die!

Carla: You're right, Coach. I'm going to have to go tomorrow. You know, I got my bad dental habits from my parents. They taught me to brush after every war.

Sam: I'm sorry, we're closed.
Marvin: That's OK. I'm not a customer. I'm looking for Sam Malone.
Sam: You found him.
Marvin: I'm Maxine's husband.
Sam: Not the Sam Malone, a Sam Malone. Not the one you're looking for though.
Marvin: [pulls out a gun] Why did you do it, Sam?
Sam: Now, wait, wait! You just listen to me. I did not know that she was married. Come on, she just told me today, and the second I found out, I called it off. I mean, that was it. I mean, ask her. I may have done a lot of lousy things in my life, but I do not mess around with other men's wives.
Marvin: So what are you saying, it's all her fault?
Sam: No, no. I'm not saying it's anybody's fault. It was just a big mistake, that's all. I know we've all been hurt by this... and I'm sorry.