Sam: Folks, I have a bit of bad news that may affect a lot of you. I'm not going to beat around the bush, I'm just going to come right out and say it. Last call. [patrons groan]
Norm: Well, what the heck, maybe I'll give Vera a thrill and go home a little early tonight. Although, you know, she did look kind of thrilled when I left.

Sam: You guys look like you had a good time.
Frasier: We had oodles of fun. And we lost a combined 11 pounds to boot.
Cliff: Wait, you lost weight on a cruise? I heard there were wall-to-wall meals.
Lilith: There were also wall-to-wall waves.
Frasier: Yes. Well, fortunately, after three days of giving Chef Hugo's fine cuisine back to the sea, we were fitted with these little, uh, ear patches. They seemed to do the trick.
Lilith: And put us to sleep for the rest of the trip.
Carla: So you guys spent seven days and nights snoozing and barfing your way through the Caribbean?
Lilith: And we've never felt slimmer and more refreshed.

Sam: But how'd the audition go?
Woody: Great. Said my lines faster than anyone else.
Norm: Yeah, Woodman, when did you get bit by the old acting bug?
Woody: Oh, back in high school in Hanover. I was in the chorus of the senior class production of Hello, Donald.
Norm: Isn't that isn't that Hello, Dolly?
Woody: Oh, no, no. They had to change the name. Donald Wexler was the only guy who could sing the part.

Rebecca: Woody, would you run upstairs and get some change? Ones and fives. New bills if they've got them.
Woody: [as Twain] "Uh, let us not be too particular. It is better to have old secondhand diamonds than none at all."
Rebecca: Do you think you could manage it without any quotes?
Woody: "l could do it as easy as falling off a log."
Rebecca: Woody, just do it!
Woody: "When angry, count four. When very angry, swear."
Rebecca: Damn it!
Woody: There you go.

Woody: Listen, I- I know how lonely you've been since Lloyd passed away.
Mary: Oh, how lonely I was. [chuckles] I'm not anymore.
Woody: You know, [as Twain] loneliness is highly underrated. It's one of the few things left that you can still do alone.
Mary: Did Mark Twain say that?
Woody: Well, no, but I'm kind of running out of his material.

Woody: Gather 'round, everybody. I'm going to do Authors in Hell. I mean, if that's all right with you, Miss Howe.
Rebecca: Well, I was planning to wait for the movie, but go ahead.
Woody: Imagine if you will a huge book opens up, and l - Mark Twain - step out. I am surrounded by various tormented American writers. And Satan. The lights dim. [as Twain] Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted. Persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished. Persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. [a patron coughs as Woody smokes a cigar]
Rebecca: Woody, go on.
Woody: Well, I just sit here and smoke. I don't talk again till the middle of act four.

Lilith: Frasier, I'm double-parked outside. Finish your drink and let's go.
Frasier: Oh, in a minute; I just touched my glass.
Lilith: Don't balk, jelly bear.
Frasier: I'm not balking, moon pie. I'm simply trying to finish my drink. You'd understand if you had as trying a day as I've had.
Lilith: The kind of day you've had? Lord, if I hear one more yuppie snivel about his inability to love, I'll smack him.
Frasier: Boo, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo. I saw nine clients today with no lunch.
Lilith: I saw ten. Fifteen if you count multiple personalities.

Woody: Uh, Carla, it's me, Woody.
Carla: Woody, you have been coming in here dressed in that ridiculous getup for three weeks. Now, when are you going to stop this nonsense?
Woody: Carla, as an understudy, I have to be dressed and ready to go on at a moment's notice. Putting on makeup like this can take hours. But I wouldn't expect you to understand.
Carla: Why, 'cause I'm not in the theater?
Woody: No, because you don't wear makeup.

Sam: Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody, Woody. Man, this is crazy. You- You know, you've been out with Mary every night this week. You can't spend your life dressed up like Mark Twain.
Woody: Why not? He did.

Sam: You got to nip this in the bud.
Cliff: Yeah, I agree there, Woody. A young, such as yourself, to be spending so much time with an older woman is eh, it's just unnatural.
Norm: Yeah, well, how about you, Cliff? You spend lots of time with your mother, and she's old.
Cliff: My ma's not old, and she's never gonna die before I do, so just shut up, okay?!