Mary: Good evening, ma'am.
Woody: Oh, hello, there. Oh, thank you. I'm blind as a bat without glasses.
Woody: I've never seen a bat with glasses.
Mary: That's funny.
Woody: [chuckling] Yeah, I can imagine.
Mary: I believe it might rain soon.
Woody: [as Twain] "One of the brightest gems of the New England weather is the dazzling uncertainty of it."
Mary: [chuckling] Well, what can you do?
Woody: "Everybody talks about the weather, but no one ever does anything about it."
Mary: Uh, may I have a glass of white wine, please?
Woody: Wine. White wine. Uh... Let's see, now. They have a lot of wine in San Francisco, don't they?
Mary: Oh, I suppose they do.
Woody: "One of the coldest winters I ever spent was summer in San Francisco." Sorry, that's as close as I could get.
Mary: [chuckling] You're rather amusing.
Woody: Well, thanks. But I've been quoting Mark Twain.
Mary: I know; I think that's amusing. And, uh, I suppose that you've been told that you look something like him.
Woody: Yeah, I get that a lot. You know, you look a little bit like Emily Dickinson. She's one of the authors in hell.
Mary: Oh, that's an unkind assumption, sir. Although she's never been one of my favorites, either.

Sam: Here's your change. And, oh, yeah, a little something for you here.
Rebecca: What is it?
Sam: One of the shrimps from up at the buffet table.
Rebecca: Ew!
Sam: You're lucky. My first choice was an oyster.
Rebecca: So was mine, but I hired you.

Woody: I haven't seen you in here before, have l?
Mary: Uh, no, I don't get around much since my husband, Lloyd, passed away. We used to come by here every evening during our walk, but, uh, Lloyd never let us come in. He got jealous when I was around other men.
Woody: I can see why.
Mary: Oh, for heaven's sakes.
Woody: Oh, I think you're blushing.
Mary: Oh, it's the wine. Although as Mark Twain said, "Man is the only animal that blushes."
Woody: "Or needs to."

Woody: Excuse me, Mary, uh listen, I'll be back in a second, and then then I'll see you home.
Mary: Oh, that's all right. But thank you. I've had a wonderful evening.
Woody: Well, I have, too. I really enjoyed your company. You're a very nice lady.
Mary: And you're a lovely gentleman. And may I add, you have the most glorious head of hair I've seen on any man since my Lloyd died.
Woody: Gee, I hate to disappoint you, but this is a wig.
Mary: Yes. So was Lloyd's.

Carla: [evil laughter] Oh, Woods. You know that dust in a dress you've been yakking with?
Woody: Mary?
Carla: You didn't, by any chance, happen to tell her that you're wearing old man makeup for a play, did you?
Woody: That sort of thing is pretty hard to work into polite conversation. With your makeup, and the lighting in here, and those Mr. Magoo glasses of hers, I think she got the wrong idea. She's got the hots for you.
Woody: Carla, you're crazy. She's just a sad old woman who needed someone to talk to. You of all people should understand that. There's no way she's gonna go for me. I mean, in order for her to fall in love with me, I'd have to be the best darn actor in Boston. [Mary taps on glass and blows Woody a kiss] Oh, no, I'm the best darn actor in Boston.

Cliff: Oh, hey, Woody. I thought your, uh, play closed.
Woody: It did, last night.
Cliff: Oh, so, uh what's with the old geezer drag?
Woody: I was with Mary.
Cliff: Another date, huh?
Woody: It wasn't a date. I just took her to lunch, then a movie, and then dancing.

Woody: Oh, Sam, I- l don't know what to do. I've tried to tell her, but every time I do, she just stares at me with those big lonely eyes. I mean, who'd have thought that my God-given acting talent was gonna turn out to be a curse?
Carla: Are we voting? [raises hand]

Woody: Sam, I don't know what to do. Now she's memorizing the way I look in different kinds of light.
Norm: Oh, I don't know, Woody. Women do that all the time.
Woody: Yeah, and she gave me her dead husband's watch.
Norm: You could do a lot worse.

Sam: Listen, you are not dumping her. You're leveling with her. Now, it's- It's the only honest thing to do. Now, go on, be a man. Do it.
Woody: You're right, Sam. It's time I stood on my own two feet and did what's right.
Sam: Right.
Woody: Will you come with me?
Sam: This is something you got to do by yourself.
Woody: I can't.
Sam: Well, l- l'm not gonna do it, Woody.
Woody: [weepy] Please, Sam, I can't do this by myself. You've got to help me.
Sam: All right, all right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Woody: Thank you. [to Norm] You believe I'm just an understudy?

Woody: Well, will you be my grandma?
Mary: Uh, well, maybe a favorite aunt.
Woody: It's a deal. My birthday is July 23rd.
Mary: I just gave you the watch. By the way, we're still on for pot roast on Saturday. Leave the wig at home.