Carla: [answers phone] Cheers. Oh, hi. Yeah. Norm, it's Vera. She says she needs to talk to you right away.
Norm: She's heard from the doctor. [takes the phone] Hi, honey. Yeah, that's what I figured. So what did he say?
Oh!
All: Ohhh!
Norm: Ohhhh! That's the greatest news. I can't believe it. Yes, you're right, we do have something to celebrate. So what are you going to do? Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds good. No, I don't know what I'll do, but I can't think about it right now, I have a lot of other things on my mind. Yeah, I'll talk to you later, honey. [hangs up] A flaw on the X-ray. [all sigh]
Cliff: Oh, let me buy you a drink, Normie.
Norm: No, no, no, not right now, Cliff. Right now I think I'm going to take a little walk with a gentleman I haven't paid attention to lately... Norm Peterson.
Diane: I think I understand.
Coach: Well, I don't, but I'm sure you'll tell me later.

Diane: Coach, a twenty dollar tip. [Carla gasps]
Coach: That's it! Diane wins it!
Diane: Really? [screams] This is so exciting!
Sam: Yeah, who's going to sleep tonight?
Diane: [to Carla] Oh, don't hurt me! I didn't mean to gloat, Carla. I'm sorry. Please don't hurt me.
Carla: I just wanted to shake your hand, but if you don't want to shake my hand, I'll just say congratulations.
Diane: Sometimes there is no pleasure in conquest.
Sam: Yeah, I haven't forgotten our first night together either.

Diane: Norman, wait a minute. What about a passport? What about shots?
Norm: Well, I already have my passport. And believe it not, you don't need any shots for Bora Bora, there's no disease there.
Carla: Lunacy is on its way.

Sam: Norm? What about that great new job you got, huh?
Norm: Oh, right. I should really call that guy, shouldn't l?
Cliff: Sammy, you see what he's doing, right? The old jokemeister, just tugging at our ankles? Hold onto your socks, kids, here he goes.
Norm: [on the phone] Hi, Mr. Feldman, sir? Hi, Norm Peterson here. Oh, awfully sorry to wake you, sir. You see, I just wanted to call in to let you know, I'm not coming to work tomorrow. I'm sailing to Bora Bora and going to live in a hut. Yeah, as a matter of fact, I am in a bar. Oh, no, no, no, my head's quite clear, sir. I'm quitting. Yes, I realize I'm burning my bridges here, sir, but there's no hard feelings on this end. As a matter of fact, if you're ever in Bora Bora, stop on by the old Peterson hut and we'll share a cup of grog, sir. Maybe I'll take you out... Right, I realize it's late, sir. Very sorry. [hangs up] I pity that man. [removes tie and jacket] Sammy, I want you to give these to some poor soul who may need them.

Man: Here you are, miss. The service was excellent.
Carla: Oh, that was nothing. You should have seen me in the old days. I was something then. I'm telling you, people would come from miles away to see me schlep drinks. That was before... The Troubles.
Diane: [to Sam] She should be over this by now, it's been weeks. I robbed her zest for life.
Sam: You do have that effect on people.

Coach: Sam, we got another letter from Normie.
Sam: Oh, good. Good, good, good. Another Norm letter here, everybody. Okay, let me see here. Well, he says he's found the beach he was looking for and he's built a hut. Wait, listen to this, "l'll send for Vera when I've built hers, ha ha! Whoops, I've lost my hammer, ha ha!" He put the "ha ha's" in.
Carla: Good thing.
Sam: "Every morning, a native girl leaves a coconut outside my door. l'm a little shaky on the local tribal customs, so either we're married or I'm going to be sacrificed next Tuesday, ha ha!"
Coach: Boy, he sure knows where to put those "ha ha's".
Sam: "Parahe, or goodbye. Norm."

Carla: Two Scotch rocks, Coach. No hurry. I'll wait till the good waitress gets her order.
Diane: Carla, you are the better waitress. It's been proven time and time again. What does it matter who won that meaningless contest?
Carla: It matters.
Diane: Well, what would it take to make you feel better?
Carla: Hearing you admit that you cheated.
Diane: Carla, I didn't cheat.
Carla: Would it kill you to say you did?
Diane: I did not cheat.
Carla: Two words to restore my will to live. It doesn't seem like that much to ask.
Diane: OK, Carla, I cheated.
Carla: You cheated?! Why? That contest meant that much to you? You are a very sick woman. Does anybody in this bar realize how sick this woman is? She cheated on that silly little contest.
Diane: I did not cheat!
Carla: First she says she cheated, then she says she didn't cheat. Now, what are we supposed to believe? Pfft.

Norm: Evening, Sammy.
Sam: Hey, Norm. Norm?! Why aren't you in Bora Bora?
Norm: Funniest thing. I chickened out, just like everybody said I would. Never even got on the damn boat. [laughs] These are getting stale, though. Do you have any beer nuts in here?
Sam: You... You've been hiding in here?
Norm: Just for a week.
Sam: Why?
Norm: You kidding? I made such a flaming jackass out of myself, I'd be a laughing stock if I went out there.
Sam: So you plan to stay in here forever?
Norm: Yeah, is that a problem? Because the way I figure it, Sam, you can just let me in in the morning when you come to work, and then, at night, when everyone's gone home, just let me out.
Sam: Just like I always did.
Norm: "Just like I always did." You! Ha ha, no. You get a bar stool, right? You set it up right nice and close like this. Every now and then you slip me a beer. Come on, it'll be just like it used to be! Come on.

Sam: I know how you feel, man. You had this wild, crazy dream, and you announced it to everybody, and you didn't live up to it. But these people love you. They're your friends. They don't care. Come on.
Norm: All right, all right. It probably meant more to me than it does to them anyway.
Sam: Maybe you ought to... [Norm removes his hat as Sam opens the office door]
Cliff: A toast to the man who South Pacific natives are probably calling the Great Tanned Beast. An inspiration to us all, Norm Peterson! [cheers]
Sam: The sofa opens out into a bed there, and...
Norm: And laundry day is?
Sam: Tuesday.
Norm: Tuesday.

Sam: He's afraid that you are going to laugh at him because he chickened out.
Diane: Norman? Everyone has had a dream that they let slip away.
Norm: [o.s.] Yeah, but not one everyone knew about.
Diane: Would you like to know about mine?
Norm: [o.s.] Not particularly. No.
Diane: When I was a child, I wanted to be a ballerina. I had... [the guys sigh] I had years of private lessons, but when the time finally came to audition for the Julliard School, with my first step I fell down and bloodied my nose. And before I could do anything else, they politely said, "Thank you very much." And I never heard from them again.
Norm: [o.s.] Thank you very much.