Rebecca: Sam, look. Look, according to this brochure, briefs are bad for you. They're constricting, they raise your body temperature, sometimes rendering your little swimmers ineffectual. Look at the little cartoon.
Sam: Oh, gee!
Rebecca: Sam, the bottom line is, we have to lower the temperature down there.
Sam: Well, how are we gonna do that?
Rebecca: With these underpants lined with freon-based gel.
Sam: You want me to wear frozen underwear? I- I'll freeze my.
Rebecca: Exactly.

Esther Clavin: Shall I make a general announcement?
Margaret: Oh, well, shouldn't we wait for Cliff to get back from the restroom?
Esther Clavin: Oh, let's not hurry him. That's his alone time. [spoon rapping glass] Everybody, I have an announcement to make. This beautiful, young lady, Margaret Catherine O'Keefe, has agreed to become my daughter-in-law.
Cliff: Hey, what's going on?
Esther Clavin: Why, your wedding, Clifford.
Cliff: Uh, beg your pardon?
Margaret: Isn't this great?! I'm going to be the next Mrs. Clavin!
Esther Clavin: He has the same look he had when he took me to the prom.

Esther Clavin: Well, let's get busy. We have so much to do. We have to shop for a dress and get a marriage license. Oh, and the bakery! We're going to have a great big chocolate wedding cake.
Cliff: Whoa! Hold on there, Ma. You know, I'm allergic to chocolate, don't forget.
Esther Clavin: Then you may have graham crackers.
Cliff: [excited] Really?

Cliff: Well, I'm off to get that marriage license.
Lilith: Now, before you go, Cliff, I'd like to offer my congratulations. l, for one, will be enthusiastically tracking your development. I mean, uh sharing your joy.
Cliff: Thank you, Lilith. Thank you very much.

Norm: Well, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff, huh? His life is never going to be the same after this.
Paul: Yeah. Regular sex.
Norm: Wait a minute. I thought you said he was getting married.

Carla: Say, uh, listen. You're going to marry Cliff, right?
Margaret: That's right.
Carla: Well, could you just do me a little favor?
Margaret: What's that?
Carla: Don't bring any more Clavins into this world. It's not right. It's just not right.
Margaret: Poor, poor Carla. Cliff told me all about the affair you had with him. And I just want you to know that I bear no grudge.
Carla: I... I... l... [walks away]
Paul: I didn't know Carla and Cliff had an affair. That explains a lot.
Margaret: That poor woman. I know he cut her deeply when he broke up with her. But, Rebecca, you seem to have bounced back.

Cliff: Look, Ma, there's something I think we'd better talk about, and, uh, I'm not so sure you want to hear it. Well, what the heck, here goes. l, uh, I met somebody. Yeah, actually, more than a somebody. It's a woman.
Esther Clavin: This isn't like the time you had your heart set on Priscilla Presley, is it?
Cliff: No, no, Ma. This is more than a few hundred silly letters. l, uh, I actually know this gal. Yeah, see, her name is Margaret. She's from Canada. I love her, and she loves me.

Cliff: Good morning, unwashed masses.
Sam: Hey, hey, a new suit there, huh, Cliffie?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah. Like it?
Carla: Shiny as the penny you spent on it.
Cliff: [to a woman about to light a cigarette] Oh, no, sorry, ma'am. No open flames near this suit.

Rebecca: Sam, I was a little off on payroll, so I just made up a bunch of numbers and... What are you doing? You're drinking coffee.
Sam: Yeah. So?
Rebecca: You can't drink coffee when we're trying to make a baby.
Sam: I don't know. I'm pretty coordinated.

Cliff: Ma! Ma, you're not dying. Now stop it! [door opens] Oh, now here's Margaret now. So, let's go meet her, and then now, please, just behave yourself, will you, Ma?
Esther Clavin: I'll put off dying just long enough to meet her.
Cliff: This is turning out better than I expected.