Lee Bradken: No. By giving the best performance you can give. Look, I talked the critic into coming back tonight, Woody. If you can change his mind, he'll say so in tomorrow's column. Now, Woody, how do you feel about going on tonight?
Woody: Feel great!
Lee Bradken: And how do you feel about your fellow actors?
Woody: Am better than other actors.
Lee Bradken: Well, Woody-
Woody: Can direct better than Bradken.
Lee Bradken: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! You've still got a long way to go. I'll see you tonight. [exits]
Woody: "Is jealous of my youth and good looks."

Carla: Guys, it's gonna be so cool being a spiritualist.
Rebecca: Oh. Poor Carla. It's gonna break her heart when she sees that she can't read the future.
Woody: Well, she must be able to, Miss Howe. She filled out her time card for the whole week. She's gonna work 80 hours between now and Friday! That is eerie!

Madame Lazora: Are you ready to receive the spirit of Princess Katya?
Carla: You bet I am. I can't wait to quit this penny-ante job and start doing something I'm more suited for.
Madame Lazora: Excellent. Now, all we need is a nice, quiet, dark place where we won't be disturbed.
Carla: No problem. I'll clear out the poolroom.
Madame Lazora: Good.
Carla: Hey, isn't that Michelle Pfeiffer out front?! [overlapping chatter] And who's she with, Kevin Costner?!
Man: Where?! Where?!

Madame Lazora: Are you telling me that Princess Katya and I are wrong?!
Carla: I'm telling you that I don't have any psychic powers. I mean, I tried!
Madame Lazora: Problem is, you have no faith, and without faith, you are not worthy to house the spirit of Princess Katya. I had such high hopes for you, but now you're nothing but an empty disappointment. Farewell forever, Carla!
Carla: [in deep voice] Lazora, halt! I am Princess Katya. I am inside Carla. [normal voice] Oh! What happened?
Madame Lazora: Carla, you had faith, and it happened!
Carla: It did?! I did it! I did it!
Madame Lazora: Yes! Yes! You're a natural! And more and more, you will be able to see the spirits of the dead are all around you! And very soon, you will see them lingering in the shadows of this very bar, just as I do.
Carla: Oh. That's just Lilith. Everyone makes that mistake.

Madame Lazora: All the tools you will need are here in this carved box. Precious crystals, windows to the unseen future. The tarot cards, ancient diviners of fortune. The I Ching coins, symbols of Oriental wisdom. The moist towelettes. You get a lot of trade off the street in this business.
Man: [o.s.] Hello? Hello?
Carla: What's that, a spirit?
Madame Lazora: No, no, no. That's Bob, your first client. I'll never forget my first client.
Carla: Who was it?
Madame Lazora: Bob.

Carla: Madame Lazora, l- l'm really not ready for Bob.
Madame Lazora: Oh, don't worry. I'll be here with you. There's just one more piece of information you need to fully understand your mission here.
Carla: Look, Madame Lazora, you don't understand. I have a terrible confession to make. Back in the bar, Princess Katya didn't really enter my body. I was just faking it so that I wouldn't disappoint you. I don't have any psychic powers. I am just an awful person. I hope you don't hate me.
Madame Lazora: Oh, Carla, I'm so proud of you for having the courage to be honest with me. Oddly enough, this relates to the information I was about to give you.
Carla: What's that?
Madame Lazora: I'm a complete fraud. Now, we just have time to work on your spooky voice.
Carla: What?!
Madame Lazora: Your spooky voice. You have to learn to speak lower, talk more from the diaphragm.

Pete: Yow, I wonder what's wrong with Carla.
Cliff: [chuckles] We all know what's wrong with Carla, but I'm the only one with enough courage to say it. Not enough bran. [Cliff yelps as Carla knocks him off his stool]

Sam: Hey, Woody, how'd it go?
Woody: Oh, it was a great performance, Sam, and I actually got a chance to talk to that critic afterward, and he said that I was much improved.
Frasier: Well, there you go.
Sam: Well, I can't wait to go see you next week.
Woody: Oh, well, no, actually I'm not in it anymore, Sam.
Sam: What happened?
Woody: Well, the other actors read my notebook and got upset.
Frasier: Well, Woody, people can be very sensitive.
Woody: Well, I think they're being a little oversensitive. I mean, come on, Dr. Crane, I mean, if you read in my notebook that you were a snobby, know-it-all windbag, would you be upset?
Frasier: Yes, I probably would.
Woody: Oh. [page tears]

Carla: I mean, if she's a fake, then everything's a fake and everything I ever believed in is wrong. I guess that's it. I've got nothing left. Game over.
Frasier: Carla, Madame Lazora is just one individual. Don't give her the power to destroy your entire belief system. You know, the mystic world that's given you so much comfort may very well exist.
Carla: You don't really believe that.
Frasier: Of course I do. Although if, if it doesn't I- l'm logging in right now to say "I told you so." The truth is, no one knows.
Carla: What's your point?
Frasier: That you should profit from this experience. You've graduated from Madame Lazora. You've become a stronger Carla, a smarter Carla, one who's learned.

Carla: You want to know what I've learned? I've learned that a woman with a funny voice and some fancy scarves can charge any stupid idiot 50 bucks just to tell him what he wants to know. Hey.
Frasier: What is it, Carla?
Carla: I got a scarf. [in deep voice] I can do a spooky voice.
Frasier: Now, now, Carla.
Carla: Gather around, everybody, and I will tell you of the future for 50 bucks.
Frasier: Carla, no.
Carla: You're right, 60 bucks. Gather around, gather around. [normal voice] Thanks, Fras.
Frasier: Well, I guess my work here is done.