Rebecca: Sir, here is your Scotch and soda.
Carla: Rebecca.
Rebecca: It's all right. I have a plan, just watch this. Here you go. N- N- N- N- No. I don't need any money. I want you to take this and just think of it as a gift from me, Rebecca Howe, private citizen and in no way affiliated with this bar.
Man: Thanks.
Rebecca: You see that? That's all we have to do, that's the answer. All we have to do is give everybody free alcohol and not take any money for it, and this bar can stay in business forever!

Sam: Hey, Woody, come here a second, man. Something's really bugging me.
Woody: Whatever it is, I don't know what you're talking about. 'Cause I've never lied about anything. This is Woody, remember? Company man, team player, true blue. You know, maybe if you turn that microscope on yourself, you might find some things that aren't so pretty. I can't work in this atmosphere, all this suspicion and this constant interrogation. What do you people want from me? I didn't do anything, all right? I'm telling you, I am innocent! Okay, okay. You remember three months ago, that day I called in sick?
Sam: Woody.
Woody: Sam, shut up, it's my turn to talk! I- I was sick, but a couple hours later, I started feeling better, and I could've come in for half a day, but [crying] instead, I stayed home and did laundry and watched Oprah 'cause she had circus freaks on. I'm so ashamed! Oh, good, that feels better. I've been carrying that around for three months. [deep breath]
Sam: I was just gonna say your tag's sticking up on your sweater here.
Woody: Oh. Well, then forget I said anything. I was just kidding you, Sam. Just kidding you. [to Norm] I think I covered pretty well.

John: Oh, good afternoon, Miss Tortelli.
Carla: Well, if it isn't John Cougar Mellonhead.
John: Thank you for last night, Miss Tortelli.
Carla: I wasn't with you last night.
John: I know, and don't think I don't appreciate it.

Rebecca: Yes, but we did not serve one drop of liquor here all night long, and you guys can check any glass here.
Agent #1: It's clean.
Rebecca: You see? I saved the day.
Sam: You saved the day?! You wouldn't have had to save the day if you hadn't have screwed it up in the first place. Come on, what were you thinking? How could you do that? How could you forget something like that? You know that could have cost me my bar? I mean, what have you got, rocks in your head?
Rebecca: You know, I mean, I did mail the thing in. It's just that it came back. I think there was just something wrong with the stamp.
Sam: There's nothing wrong with the stamp, you moron. It's for 25 cents. I put it on myself.
Agent #2: Postage is 29 cents.
Sam: Oh. Well, I'm out of here. Why don't you go ahead and, uh, close up? After all, you are the manager.
Rebecca: No, hold it a second. You're the one that screwed up. l- l'm the one that saved this bar. So, I mean, who is the moron now? You're the one who put the stamp on this letter while I've been scrambling around this bar tonight trying to save it without breaking one law. That's right, I did that. Me, Rebecca, the moron. Well, things are going to change around here. From now on, I want a little respect around this place. You got that? All right. Because, from this day forward, I will hold my head up high, because I am Rebecca Howe. I am the manager of Cheers.
[When Rebecca walks through the flap and slams it down, the shelves above the bar come crashing down]
Sam: That's- That's why we always keep the flap up.

Cliff: Hey, everybody. Got everything we need for our marathon poker fest.
Norm: Yeah? Did you bring the chips?
Cliff: Oh, yeah, I've got, uh, red ones, blue ones, white ones...
Norm: No, no, no, the chips! Ranch, mesquite, sour cream. Don't you have any idea how to play this game?

John: Oh, Sam!
Sam: Yes, John, what can I do for you?
John: Sam, I have a small request. For the next three hours, I need you and the rest of the Cheers chimps to hold down the noise. Right now, I'm entertaining two hundred elderly women from the Daughters of the American Revolution.
Sam: Giving them a firsthand account, John?
John: Very amusing.

John: Sam! Before I spend the remainder of the afternoon trying to sort out whose walker is whose, I want to say one thing. I live for the day when I can close this bar down and put you out on the street.
Sam: Eh, he doesn't scare me.
Carla: You ought to see him with just the night light on.

Lilith: Rebecca?
Rebecca: Yes?
Lilith: You're taking money for a drink? I thought the plan was to give them away for free.
Rebecca: No, see, I realized we couldn't really afford to do that about $1,200 ago, so now what we're doing is tricking them. You see, Carla and I have taken all the bottles and put colored water in them, and we're serving non-alcoholic beer and soft drinks.
Woman: Can I have a strawberry daiquiri, miss?
Rebecca: Oh, yes, coming right up. [to Carla] Kool-Aid on crushed ice.

Lilith: This is very interesting, Rebecca. Allow me to help in your little charade. [loudly] I'd like a Scotch, please.
[in normal voice] I've done some acting in my time. [Rebecca pours Lilith a drink] Thank you. Whoa! [coughs] Smooth!
Rebecca: That was very good, Lilith. You really have a mischievous side to you.
Lilith: I was the bad seed in high school.
Rebecca: Whoa, scary play.
Lilith: Oh, that's right, it was a play.

Woody: Guys, I've gotta be honest with you. I was just trying to hustle you out there. I do know how to play poker. And to tell you the truth, I was the best poker player in Hanover.
Frasier: Uh-huh.
Woody: Actually, I was the best poker player in the entire metro Hanover area.
Cliff: Well, uh, you're in the city now, Woody.
Woody: Well, I guess you do play different than a bunch of farm boys.
Cliff: Oh, yeah.
Sam: Yes, we do. Why don't you sit down, Woodrow.
Woody: Oh, thanks. Take it easy on me.
Norm: Okay, okay. So, what sort of game would you like to play, huh?
Woody: Well, how about, uh, "Five blind piglets and one full teat?"
Norm: What the heck kind of game is that?
Woody: That's where five city boys lose all their money.