Carla: Sam, you've been with Diane so long, you can't see the facts in front of your nose. This machine has powers.
Diane: I guess I should get on and see what the future holds for Miss Diane Chambers.
Carla: Don't joke about this. Pffpht pffpht pffpht!
Diane: What on earth are you doing?
Carla: I'm warding off evil spirits. And if you weren't so stupid, you'd be doing the same.

Cliff: Well, what does the card say?
Diane: What difference does it make? It's a joke. "Deception in romance proves costly."
Sam: There, you see. Now, you all know how Diane feels about honesty.
Coach: Yeah, she likes it.
Cliff: Yeah, as honest as the day is long.
Diane: Absolutely.

Norm: Cliffie. Cliffie. Are you all right?
Cliff: Uh, that's $20 postage due, sir, and how are we today?
Norm: Cliff, you're in Cheers, huh?
Cliff: Cheers. Yes, sir. I know where that is.
Norm: Cliff! Cliff.
Cliff: Oh, Normie.
Norm: Are you all right?
Cliff: Yeah, yeah. Oh, I just bruised my knee. I hope I'll be able to do my postal round tomorrow.
Norm: Do you want to get an X-ray or something?
Cliff: No. I'll just check it out here. [acts out fighting off two dogs] Yeah, I'm fine.

Carla: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Cliff, you got a fortune from that machine. What was it?
Cliff: Uh, what was it? Uh..
Coach: Cliff, did it say anything about slipping, falling down stairs, anything like that?
Cliff: Oh, I remember. It was "Talk to bigwigs".
Carla: Ooh.
Sam: What "ooh"?
Carla: I don't know yet. But there must be a connection.
Norm: I don't think you're in the ballpark on this one, Carla.
Carla: Oh, wait. I got it. Bigwig, right? Who is the biggest bigwig of them all?
Al: Sinatra.
Carla: No. Even bigger.
Coach: Ronald Reagan.
Carla: No, no. Bigger. Bigger.
Al: Sinatra.

Carla: I am talking about God. God is the biggest wig of them all. Cliff, did you pray before you left the house this morning?
Cliff: No.
Carla: There you go. If you had prayed, none of this would have happened.
Sam: Oh, come on. If you guys are gonna stretch things this far, then you can make anything out of those fortunes.

Carla: Well, I guess I'd better get one more just to make sure it's safe to go home. [bell rings] I can't look. Sam, would you read it for me? But don't read it if it's terrible.
Sam: No, this is OK. "You will grow lips on your forehead."
Carla: [gasps] Very funny, very funny. Oh, it's OK. Well, see you tomorrow.

Diane: What are you doing?
Sam: I just want to see if I gained any weight recently.
Diane: You didn't. Now get off of there.
Sam: What's wrong? You know, you've been acting strange all day.
Diane: I've been acting fine. Now, come on, let's go home.
Sam: Just let me get my weight here.
Diane: Sam, don't.
Sam: Will you please tell me what's going on? You're coming unglued here.
Diane: I know. I feel like I'm losing my mind. That scale has me spooked.
Sam: You're kidding me? You're the last person I expect to fall for that voodoo stuff.

Diane: Do you remember that fortune I got today?
Sam: No.
Diane: "Deception in romance proves costly."
Sam: So?
Diane: I took another man to that show last night.
Sam: You mean, like a guy?
Diane: At least pay attention. He's a classmate of mine. A male classmate.
Sam: Well, so you took some pimply, bookface, wimp from school. Big deal.
Diane: His complexion is almost as clear as mine and we had a wonderful time.
Sam: At the performance?
Diane: Yes. Well, of course he took me home.
Sam: Uh-huh. And?
Diane: I invited him in. We had coffee. He left. That was it.
Sam: Instant coffee or did you grind the beans?
Diane: It wasn't the same as it is with you. I didn't grind them fine.
Sam: You did grind the beans, huh?
Diane: All we did was talk.
Sam: You didn't kiss him?
Diane: Oh, I kissed him good night, but it was nothing. It was barely on the lips. Wayward to the side, up by the cheeks. Very dry. I have to be honest. It was so good to talk to someone. I miss talking about the things I can't talk about with you. I didn't want to tell you because I knew you'd be angry.

Sam: I'm not angry.
Diane: Oh, of course you're angry.
Sam: No, I'm not. As a matter of fact, I'm kind of grateful. I think I see our relationship in a new light here. The truth is, I don't fulfill all your needs and you don't fulfill all of mine. So maybe we should call it quits.
Diane: What are you doing? I have one innocent evening with a guy. I come to you to make a clean breast of it and this is the reaction I get. You're even less understanding than I feared you'd be. Okay, fine. That does it. I want out of this.
Sam: Out of what? I already broke it off.
Diane: No, no. You said, "Maybe we should call it quits." I'm saying it's definitely over.
Sam: Hey, I don't care what I said. In my mind, it was definite. That ship has sailed, baby. Our relationship is through.
Diane: No, no, we're not through, unless I say we're through. We're through. Now we're through.

Sam: Hey, I'm not going to have an argument about who broke up with who first. With somebody I broke up with first. As a matter of fact, I'm not going to acknowledge your presence. Is anybody here? Somebody I used to go with? Oh, no, no. It's just Diane. Silly me.
Diane: Don't do this.
Sam: Too late, sweetheart. It's already done.
Diane: Sam, please. Please don't joke about this. I'm scared. We can't break up because a pile of metal springs said we were going to. There's too much at stake here.
Sam: I'm sorry. Oh, forgive me.
Diane: Tell me you didn't break up with me.
Sam: Oh, of course I didn't break up with you.
Diane: Then I'm first. You are history.
Sam: Well, you know, that was a rotten- Now I know why I broke up with you. A long time ago. Long, long before you broke up with me.