Norm: I don't know, if you ask me who really runs this country, it's big oil companies. Like, I don't know, who runs Texaco?
Coach: Well, at my station, it's Dave and his son Herbie. Mahmoud does the windows.
Cliff: Yeah, well, you can't get much bigger than Herbie, Dave and Mahmoud, huh?

Norm: [enters] Good afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm.
Coach: What's up, Normie?
Norm: The corners of my mouth, Coach.
Sam: Oh, sounds like that blind date paid off, huh?
Norm: Well, it turns out my buddy played a little trick on me. Yeah. Guess who the date turns out to be? My ex. Vera.
Cliff: Oh.
Norm: Now, you ready for the punch line? We're back together again.

Cliff: Uh, hey, Normie, aren't you a little bit dressed up to come here and just suck on taps all night?
Norm: Cliffie, if you must know, I have other plans for this evening. I have a date.
Carla: Who is it?
Norm: I don't know. A blind date.
Carla: Ah, dangerous. Dangerous.
Sam: Walking into a minefield there, boy.
Norm: No, no, no. A friend of mine set us up. He assures me the woman's perfect for me.
Carla: That's what they all say.
Cliff: Uh, let me guess, said she had good table manners, great personality and an excellent posture, right?
Coach: Sure, they always make it sound good.
Norm: As a matter of fact, Cliffie, he said she was easy on the eye.
Carla: You're a dead man, Norm.

Sam: Coach, did you buy this?
Coach: Oh, not me, Sam.
Sam: It's got your name here on the invoice.
Coach: Well, it's gotta be some kind of mistake. Why would I buy a crate?
Sam: It's an antique scale, Coach.
Coach: Oh, yeah, I bought the scale, Sam. But, gee, now that I look at it, I'm kind of disappointed.

Diane: Coach, give Norman a screwdriver, please.
Norm: Hey, whoa, Diane. I've got a big date here. I don't want to get pits.
Diane: Come on. It won't be that hard.
[As Diane takes Norm's jacket, his shirt is already home to two very large pit stains]
Cliff: Yeah, we'll stop you before your shoes get squishy.

Diane: Can we keep it?
Sam: Well, I'm afraid we're going to have to. The number's been disconnected and there's no new number. The guy's obviously a conman, Coach.
Coach: I knew it. I knew he was a conman the minute I laid eyes on him.
Diane: Well, as a collector of antiques, I think the scale might some day be worth what you paid for it. [Sam shows Diane the receipt] Or a fraction thereof.
Coach: Sam, the salesman also said, [German accent] "This scale is not being made any more. This one was in a cellar for over 40 years."
Sam: Coach, you shouldn't have bought it.

Coach: Normie, listen, get on the scale, weigh yourself, see how you're gonna make out tonight.
Diane: Come on. It certainly doesn't have any fortunes left after all these years. [coin jiggles] [bell rings]
Carla: Do you get tired of being wrong?

Sam: She'll be mad cos I didn't take her to some stupid art show. Flowers are the way to calm her down. [on the phone] Hi. Sanderson, Florist?
Diane: [enters] There's my guy. Give me a big smoocheroo.
Sam: You're not mad about last night?
Diane: Oh, of course not. I just missed you so, you big lug.
Sam: [on the phone] Keep up the good work.

Diane: Oh, it had nothing to do with your fortune, Coach, and neither did what happened to Norman.
Carla: Oh, yeah? Well, how about this? My fortune said, "Time waits for no one." So last night, I get home late and my kids had started a grease fire cooking their dinner. Explain that.
Diane: Easy. You're an idiot.
Carla: Look, there are things that you eggheads can't explain away in this world.

Sam: Listen, nothing and nobody controls what happens to us.
Cliff: Well, Sammy, you had a lucky piece when you pitched out there.
Sam: Yeah, well, a lot of good it did me. Listen, Cliff, the only battles I ever won in my life, I won on my own.
Diane: Sam, that was brilliantly put.
Sam: Oh, actually, you said that to me a few days ago.
Diane: Yes, I know, but you remembered it and used it in the proper context.