Diane: In that case, let me just say... of all the cheap, small-minded, creepy, sophomoric pranks you have perpetrated in your long, arrested adolescence, this is far and away the worst. How could you, Sam?
Sam: So, he wasn't your ideal date. I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong.
Diane: Did you really think this was amusing? Did you have lots of laughs planning it?
Sam: Diane, I swear to you, I wasn't trying to be funny.
Diane: What were you trying to do?
Sam: The truth is, I never saw the guy before in my life. I met him in the back room and I paid him to go out with you.
Diane: You hired a murderer to take me out for the evening.
Sam: Well, it's kind of funny when you put it that way.

Diane: Sam, you're making a fool of yourself.
Sam: Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit.
Diane: I am not.
Sam: You are, too.
Diane: I am not!
Norm: Please! Do you think I'd behave like this in your home?
Sam: Sorry.
Diane: Well, we are being awfully childish about this.
Sam: Maybe.
Diane: Let's leave it at this. I'm rubber and you're glue. Everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you. [singsong] You love me. You love me. You love me.
Sam: I do not.
Diane: Do, too!
Sam: Do not! Not. Not. Not. Not.

Cliff: That is the most embarrassing display I have ever seen.
Coach: You're absolutely right, Cliff. Anybody can look at them and see she's crazy about him.
Norm: Are you crazy? He's nuts about her.
Coach: No, are you nuts? I saw her making herself available!
Cliff: Oh, for crying out loud!

Sam: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Don't ask. It's no fun looking for work, Sammy.
Sam: You going out on interviews?
Norm: Three today. My resume, right. Last guy I show it to reads it, laughs in my face.
Sam: Why would he do something like that? [laughs] Well, I'm sorry. It's just that it's pretty skimpy, isn't it? You were born, worked at one company, and you're five foot ten. What you gotta do is pep this up a little bit.
Norm: No, no, no. That's cheating.
Sam: No, no, no. That's pepping it up. Look, I mean, everybody does it. It's expected of you.
Norm: You just take what's here, just spice it up a bit?

Diane: Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.
Sam: How do you do?
Walter: Ten.
Diane: Uh, he's able to tell you instantly how many letters there are in any sentence you say.
Walter: 66.
Sam: That's quite a gift.
Walter: 15. We've been at it all weekend.
Sam: How many days did it seem like?
Walter: 24.

Diane: Listen, Walter, I have to go to work now. Thanks again for a lovely weekend.
Walter: Two sentences. 30 and 28.
Diane: Stop doing that.
Walter: 19.
Diane: I mean it.
Walter: Seven. No, really, that's enough of this. I'd better get going. Goodbye, Diane. Nice seeing you, Sam.
Sam: Yeah.
Walter: Four.
Sam: By the way, Walter-
Walter: 14. Yes, Sam. What is it?
Sam: How was Diane on a scale of 100?
Walter: 29.

Sam: Carla, who do I know who'd be a good match for Diane?
Carla: What about that guy you used to play ball with, Fred Wilson?
Sam: Fred's dead, Carla.
Carla: So, she has to drive.

Diane: Well, I'm feeling like quite the matchmaker. I called my friend. She said she'd love to go out with Sam. [Carla smiles] Carla, do you have any idea who Sam has in store for me?
Carla: [laughs] No. [laughs]

Norm: Oh, Sammy, watching you get ready for a date is like watching a great matador prepare for a bullfight.
Cliff: Ah, I hate that stuff. Who wants to see a guy go and manipulate and torment a poor unthinking creature like that?
Sam: Hey, I always buy 'em breakfast, don't l?

Diane: Sam, ready for your date?
Sam: I certainly am. Are you ready for yours?
Diane: Oh, as I'll ever be. Is he here? [Carla laughs]
Sam: Kind of a dumb question, isn't it? Of course he's here. Present and accounted for. But wherever is my date for the evening?
Diane: Oh, she went to lock the car.
Sam: She what?
Diane: Oh, Gretchen went back to make sure her car was locked.
Sam: Gretchen?
Diane: The point is, she is a woman of substance, Sam. She's going to challenge you.
Sam: Gretchen?