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‘Diane's Perfect Date’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Diane's Perfect Date

117. Diane's Perfect Date

Aired February 10, 1983

When Sam and Diane agree to set each other up on blind dates, Sam assumes it is just a ruse for Diane to date him.

Quote from Norm

Norm: OK, Sammy, we're rolling here. Those job offers ought to start pouring in now.
Sam: "Norm Peterson: thought-provoking, poignant, hilarious, a roller coaster of emotions. If you hire only one accountant this year, make it Norm Peterson." What is this?
Cliff: Uh, he had the paper open on the movie section, Sam.
Coach: Here's the part I like best, Sam. It says, "At last, an accountant the whole family can go see."

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Quote from Diane

Sam: Hello, there. Did you have a nice weekend?
Diane: Oh, I had a wonderful weekend. Went to Martha's Vineyard, long walks on the beach, hiked over the dunes, crisscrossed the island on bicycles.
Sam: Still couldn't lose him, huh?
Diane: You now, you are the last person in the world who should take shots at somebody else's choice of dates. Not with the coterie of Betty Boops you squander you time, money and hormones on.
Sam: Hey, I date terrific women.
Diane: Yes. And talented. Without them, the art of gum-snapping might be lost for ever.
Sam: At least my dates don't count the number of letters in sentences.
Diane: Your dates can't form sentences.

Quote from Diane

Sam: Thank you so much. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you mean- What do you mean, "Poor Sam"?
Diane: I didn't realize you were carrying such a torch for me.
Sam: No, no. I didn't say I was carrying a torch for you. I said I thought you were carrying a torch for me.
Diane: I'm certainly not carrying a torch for you.
Sam: Well, then I'm not carrying a torch for you.
Diane: Fine. Sam... If you'll admit that you are carrying a little torch for me, I'll admit that I'm carrying a little one for you.
Sam: [quietly] Well, I am carrying a little torch for you.
Diane: Well, I'm not carrying one for you.
Sam: Then I'm not carrying one for you either.
Diane: You just said you were.
Sam: No, I said that only to get you to admit that you are. That's all.

Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: That's that sudsy amber stuff, right?
Coach: Yeah.
Norm: I've heard good things about it.

Quote from Carla

Diane: I've got some lovely roast beef for a sandwich. Oh, Carla, if it bothers you, I could eat in the back.
Carla: Oh, no, no. I was a little nauseous before, but I'm fine now.
Diane: Oh, great.
Carla: You know, I'm starting to feel a little hungry myself. Would you mind handing me my lunch there, Coach? Thanks. Thank you. Mind if I join you, Diane?
Diane: Not at all.
Carla: You know, that's another thing about pregnancy: you get cravings. Green olive, red pimiento, nice juicy anchovy. Now, you open the little anchovy's mouth. Red pimiento. Stuff it into the anchovy's mouth. Sugar.
Diane: I think I've just lost my appetite... for ever. [exits]
Carla: Works every time. [takes a bite of Diane's sandwich]

Quote from Carla

Carla: Quite a catch.
Diane: Thank you.
Carla: So's a largemouth bass.

Quote from Coach

Diane: Walter happens to be a distinguished geneticist.
Coach: Oh, he studies genets.

Quote from Norm

Norm: It's no use, Sammy. Nobody's gonna hire me anyway.
Sam: Hey, hang in there. Something'll turn up.
Cliff: Have you ever thought about doing anything else besides accounting?
Norm: Well, I was in the motor pool in the service. I learned a little something about engines.
Cliff: Like what?
Norm: How to use them for shade.

Quote from Sam

Sam: You like dating nerds, nerds it is.
Diane: Well, the next time I decide to go out, I'll check with you first.
Sam: That would be a very good idea.
Diane: I suppose you know better than I whom I should date?
Sam: As a matter of fact, I do, lady. I could set you up with the best date you ever had.
Diane: That's ridiculous.
Sam: I could. Do you want me to?
Diane: [scoffs] Would you let me set you up?
Sam: Yeah. Why not?
Diane: I'm tempted to do this just to see what kind of a joke you'd bring in. I haven't had a laugh for a week.
Sam: Certainly not in a weekend.
Diane: I resent that.
Sam: 11.

Quote from Coach

Coach: You know something, Sam, I always thought you'd make a great date for Diane.
Sam: Oh, Coach, that's crazy. Or is it?
Coach: Let me think about that.
Sam: Of course. That's what she's doing. Oh, that's cute. That is cute.
Coach: Gee, thanks, Sam. I have lost a few pounds.
Sam: No. Don't you see what she's doing? She's setting me up with herself.
Coach: That little scamp.
Sam: Yeah. You heard what she said. "Bright, witty, attractive, the perfect girl." She's talking about herself. Who else could she be talking about? She's not gonna bring another girl in here tomorrow night. She wants to go out with me herself. I kind of like that. Our first date. Thanks, Coach. Thanks. If there's anything I can do for you, you just let me know, all right?
Coach: Sam, by the way, there is. One little thing. If you get some time later on, could you please tell me what the hell we were talking about?
Sam: You bet.
Coach: I'm looking forward to it.

Quote from Sam

Diane: In that case, let me just say... of all the cheap, small-minded, creepy, sophomoric pranks you have perpetrated in your long, arrested adolescence, this is far and away the worst. How could you, Sam?
Sam: So, he wasn't your ideal date. I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong.
Diane: Did you really think this was amusing? Did you have lots of laughs planning it?
Sam: Diane, I swear to you, I wasn't trying to be funny.
Diane: What were you trying to do?
Sam: The truth is, I never saw the guy before in my life. I met him in the back room and I paid him to go out with you.
Diane: You hired a murderer to take me out for the evening.
Sam: Well, it's kind of funny when you put it that way.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Sam, you're making a fool of yourself.
Sam: Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, dammit.
Diane: I am not.
Sam: You are, too.
Diane: I am not!
Norm: Please! Do you think I'd behave like this in your home?
Sam: Sorry.
Diane: Well, we are being awfully childish about this.
Sam: Maybe.
Diane: Let's leave it at this. I'm rubber and you're glue. Everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you. [singsong] You love me. You love me. You love me.
Sam: I do not.
Diane: Do, too!
Sam: Do not! Not. Not. Not. Not.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: That is the most embarrassing display I have ever seen.
Coach: You're absolutely right, Cliff. Anybody can look at them and see she's crazy about him.
Norm: Are you crazy? He's nuts about her.
Coach: No, are you nuts? I saw her making herself available!
Cliff: Oh, for crying out loud!

Quote from Norm

Sam: How's it going, Norm?
Norm: Don't ask. It's no fun looking for work, Sammy.
Sam: You going out on interviews?
Norm: Three today. My resume, right. Last guy I show it to reads it, laughs in my face.
Sam: Why would he do something like that? [laughs] Well, I'm sorry. It's just that it's pretty skimpy, isn't it? You were born, worked at one company, and you're five foot ten. What you gotta do is pep this up a little bit.
Norm: No, no, no. That's cheating.
Sam: No, no, no. That's pepping it up. Look, I mean, everybody does it. It's expected of you.
Norm: You just take what's here, just spice it up a bit?

Quote from Diane

Diane: Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.
Sam: How do you do?
Walter: Ten.
Diane: Uh, he's able to tell you instantly how many letters there are in any sentence you say.
Walter: 66.
Sam: That's quite a gift.
Walter: 15. We've been at it all weekend.
Sam: How many days did it seem like?
Walter: 24.

Quote from Sam

Diane: Listen, Walter, I have to go to work now. Thanks again for a lovely weekend.
Walter: Two sentences. 30 and 28.
Diane: Stop doing that.
Walter: 19.
Diane: I mean it.
Walter: Seven. No, really, that's enough of this. I'd better get going. Goodbye, Diane. Nice seeing you, Sam.
Sam: Yeah.
Walter: Four.
Sam: By the way, Walter-
Walter: 14. Yes, Sam. What is it?
Sam: How was Diane on a scale of 100?
Walter: 29.

Quote from Carla

Sam: Carla, who do I know who'd be a good match for Diane?
Carla: What about that guy you used to play ball with, Fred Wilson?
Sam: Fred's dead, Carla.
Carla: So, she has to drive.

Quote from Carla

Diane: Well, I'm feeling like quite the matchmaker. I called my friend. She said she'd love to go out with Sam. [Carla smiles] Carla, do you have any idea who Sam has in store for me?
Carla: [laughs] No. [laughs]

Quote from Sam

Norm: Oh, Sammy, watching you get ready for a date is like watching a great matador prepare for a bullfight.
Cliff: Ah, I hate that stuff. Who wants to see a guy go and manipulate and torment a poor unthinking creature like that?
Sam: Hey, I always buy 'em breakfast, don't l?

Quote from Sam

Diane: Sam, ready for your date?
Sam: I certainly am. Are you ready for yours?
Diane: Oh, as I'll ever be. Is he here? [Carla laughs]
Sam: Kind of a dumb question, isn't it? Of course he's here. Present and accounted for. But wherever is my date for the evening?
Diane: Oh, she went to lock the car.
Sam: She what?
Diane: Oh, Gretchen went back to make sure her car was locked.
Sam: Gretchen?
Diane: The point is, she is a woman of substance, Sam. She's going to challenge you.
Sam: Gretchen?

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