Norm: OK, Sammy, we're rolling here. Those job offers ought to start pouring in now.
Sam: "Norm Peterson: thought-provoking, poignant, hilarious, a roller coaster of emotions. If you hire only one accountant this year, make it Norm Peterson." What is this?
Cliff: Uh, he had the paper open on the movie section, Sam.
Coach: Here's the part I like best, Sam. It says, "At last, an accountant the whole family can go see."

Sam: Hello, there. Did you have a nice weekend?
Diane: Oh, I had a wonderful weekend. Went to Martha's Vineyard, long walks on the beach, hiked over the dunes, crisscrossed the island on bicycles.
Sam: Still couldn't lose him, huh?
Diane: You now, you are the last person in the world who should take shots at somebody else's choice of dates. Not with the coterie of Betty Boops you squander you time, money and hormones on.
Sam: Hey, I date terrific women.
Diane: Yes. And talented. Without them, the art of gum-snapping might be lost for ever.
Sam: At least my dates don't count the number of letters in sentences.
Diane: Your dates can't form sentences.

Sam: Thank you so much. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. What do you mean- What do you mean, "Poor Sam"?
Diane: I didn't realize you were carrying such a torch for me.
Sam: No, no. I didn't say I was carrying a torch for you. I said I thought you were carrying a torch for me.
Diane: I'm certainly not carrying a torch for you.
Sam: Well, then I'm not carrying a torch for you.
Diane: Fine. Sam... If you'll admit that you are carrying a little torch for me, I'll admit that I'm carrying a little one for you.
Sam: [quietly] Well, I am carrying a little torch for you.
Diane: Well, I'm not carrying one for you.
Sam: Then I'm not carrying one for you either.
Diane: You just said you were.
Sam: No, I said that only to get you to admit that you are. That's all.

Norm: [enters] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm!
Coach: Beer, Norm?
Norm: That's that sudsy amber stuff, right?
Coach: Yeah.
Norm: I've heard good things about it.

Diane: I've got some lovely roast beef for a sandwich. Oh, Carla, if it bothers you, I could eat in the back.
Carla: Oh, no, no. I was a little nauseous before, but I'm fine now.
Diane: Oh, great.
Carla: You know, I'm starting to feel a little hungry myself. Would you mind handing me my lunch there, Coach? Thanks. Thank you. Mind if I join you, Diane?
Diane: Not at all.
Carla: You know, that's another thing about pregnancy: you get cravings. Green olive, red pimiento, nice juicy anchovy. Now, you open the little anchovy's mouth. Red pimiento. Stuff it into the anchovy's mouth. Sugar.
Diane: I think I've just lost my appetite... for ever. [exits]
Carla: Works every time. [takes a bite of Diane's sandwich]

Carla: Quite a catch.
Diane: Thank you.
Carla: So's a largemouth bass.

Diane: Walter happens to be a distinguished geneticist.
Coach: Oh, he studies genets.

Norm: It's no use, Sammy. Nobody's gonna hire me anyway.
Sam: Hey, hang in there. Something'll turn up.
Cliff: Have you ever thought about doing anything else besides accounting?
Norm: Well, I was in the motor pool in the service. I learned a little something about engines.
Cliff: Like what?
Norm: How to use them for shade.

Sam: You like dating nerds, nerds it is.
Diane: Well, the next time I decide to go out, I'll check with you first.
Sam: That would be a very good idea.
Diane: I suppose you know better than I whom I should date?
Sam: As a matter of fact, I do, lady. I could set you up with the best date you ever had.
Diane: That's ridiculous.
Sam: I could. Do you want me to?
Diane: [scoffs] Would you let me set you up?
Sam: Yeah. Why not?
Diane: I'm tempted to do this just to see what kind of a joke you'd bring in. I haven't had a laugh for a week.
Sam: Certainly not in a weekend.
Diane: I resent that.
Sam: 11.

Coach: You know something, Sam, I always thought you'd make a great date for Diane.
Sam: Oh, Coach, that's crazy. Or is it?
Coach: Let me think about that.
Sam: Of course. That's what she's doing. Oh, that's cute. That is cute.
Coach: Gee, thanks, Sam. I have lost a few pounds.
Sam: No. Don't you see what she's doing? She's setting me up with herself.
Coach: That little scamp.
Sam: Yeah. You heard what she said. "Bright, witty, attractive, the perfect girl." She's talking about herself. Who else could she be talking about? She's not gonna bring another girl in here tomorrow night. She wants to go out with me herself. I kind of like that. Our first date. Thanks, Coach. Thanks. If there's anything I can do for you, you just let me know, all right?
Coach: Sam, by the way, there is. One little thing. If you get some time later on, could you please tell me what the hell we were talking about?
Sam: You bet.
Coach: I'm looking forward to it.