Diane: I can't believe the graffiti in this place, you know. Adolescent men are... Oh, no! Oh, no!
Carla: What is it?
Diane: Look at this. "For a good time, call Diane Chambers." Thank God they got the number wrong.
Carla: Hey, I got it right off your application.
Diane: Carla, how could you?
Carla: Oh. Last time I play Cupid for you.

Sam: I give up. The woman's undateable.
Diane: Undateable, Sam? I don't think so. In fact, I have a hunch you're about to see that woman swept off her feet by a guy.
Sam: You're crazy.
Diane: No, it may seem impossible to you, one whose idea of romance is a floormat and The Bolero played at 78... but you are about to see a man get a date using nothing but sincerity and his own feelings.
Sam: She's kinky, huh?

Nina: Oh, hi, Ernie. I was waiting to say goodnight to you.
Coach: Er... Listen, Nina, uh, I want to say something. Look, I'm not a rich guy, and, you know, I'm no brain. I'm just an average guy. But I like you, Nina, and I'd like to go out and do things with you. Would you have dinner with me tonight?
Nina: Oh, Ernie, that's sweet of you, but I've got a lot of unpacking to do, but thanks for asking.
Coach: Yeah. Yeah. Sure.
Sam: Coach. Look, I got shot down, too. Listen. There are just some women in this world you can't get to, and she's all of them.
Coach: Uh, look, I made reservations upstairs.
Nina: Well, goodnight, everybody. It was nice to meet you all. Goodnight, Ernie.
Coach: Bye, Nina.
[As Nina heads for the door, Coach falls down the stairs]
Nina: [gasps] Coach!
Cliff: Coach! He's out like a light. Coach, wake up.
Nina: Ernie, are you all right? Are you OK?
Coach: Yeah, I'm just a little woozy.
Sam: Coach, let me take you home.
Nina: Oh, let me, I live there, anyway.
Coach: Oh, no. Whoo. You've got all that unpacking.
Nina: Don't be silly. This is a lot more important than unpacking.
Coach: Works every time. [exits] [through the window] Sam, I might not be in tomorrow morning.

Norm: Well, I gotta get rid of a little bit right now. I'll be in the little boys' room.
Carla: Ah, ah, ah. Hop on one leg, big boy. Sammy, the pipes are clogged up again. Nothing's working back there.
Sam: I'm sorry, Norm. You're gonna have to go up to Melville's again.
Norm: Jacket in the same spot?
Sam: Yeah.
Cliff: Ah, what a drag there, Norm, having to dress up to go to the john.
Carla: Come on. You know, you men have it easy. We have to wear taffeta and have the correct change.

Tour Guide: Okay, everybody, step right in here. Come on. This is the home of Paul Revere.
Man #1: Looks like a bar to me.
Tour Guide: Well, the Reveres liked to entertain. Walk around and soak up some atmosphere. Give me a shot of bourbon.
Sam: What's this all about?
Tour Guide: It's a walking tour of Boston. It's 30 degrees outside and my feet are throbbing.
Sam: Paul Revere's house is nowhere near here.
Tour Guide: You wanna do this? I gotta fit in five more sites before six o'clock. I'll never make it. [downs shot] Ah, we are also standing on the Grainery burying ground, the Olde Corner Bookstore and the Old North Church. Let's get going, this is it for Boston.
Man #2: That's the whole tour?
Tour Guide: Seemed to fly by, didn't it? Bid a fond adieu to Boston, the hub of New England.
Man #2: I always thought Boston was a lot bigger.
Sam: It is in the summer.

Cliff: Hey, that looks good there, Norm. Who's your tailor?
Norm: Give me a break. The sweater's a little bulky, all right?
Cliff: Ah, have a good time up there, Ollie.

Coach: Diane, Nina. Nina, Diane.
Nina: Oh, hi.
Diane: Nice to meet you.
Coach: Diane is very smart. Say something very smart.
Diane: Tempus fugit.

Coach: Oh, Carla, come over a minute, will you?
Carla: I'm busy.
Coach: [to Nina] Carla's been in a lousy mood for the last two or three years.

Norm: [comes down the stairs] Let me tell you, it's getting strange up there.
Coach: Oh, now that's Norm. That's not Norm's jacket.
Cliff: Ah, what do you mean, strange?
Norm: They've got a new men's room attendant. The guy hands me a towel, whisks me off and invites me out to a movie.

Coach: Honey, excuse me. I gotta check the backroom.
Sam: [enters] That's it for me.
Coach: That's Sam. He's handsome. He's a bit of a wolf.