Valerie: Well, there seems to be a problem with this check.
Sam: Oh, what? I just made a joke name up. Big deal. All he has to do is make sure he endorses it John "I Stink" Hill. [laughs]
Valerie: No, Mr. Malone, you made it out for too much. You added an extra zero.
Sam: Wow. Oh, well, thank you very much, it's I'm kind of surprised someone as nice as you works for that bald-headed jackass.
Valerie: Oh, I don't work for him. I'm the bald-headed jackass' daughter, Valerie "You Stink" Hill.
Sam: I'm sorry. I-I- l never intended for anyone to see that except John.
Valerie: And all the people at the bank.
Sam: Well, yeah.

Sam: Yes, John?
John: Sam, I was thinking if you're considering dessert, I'd like to recommend the Grand Marnier souffle for two. It's quite elegant. The only thing is, you have to order it at least a half an hour ahead... Oh, please, don't take her away from me, Sam. She's the only daughter I've ever had. Please, Sam, please.
Sam: Oh, John, I- I was just taking her out to annoy you. I had no idea it would cause such genuine pain. [sits down]
John: I'll give you anything you want, Sam. You want your poolroom and both bathrooms rent-free, fine. Just promise me you'll never see Valerie again.
Sam: Oh, John, what kind of guy do you think I am? I mean, how can I go along with a sleazy arrangement like that? Oh, boy, oh, boy.
John: I'll give you my parking space for your Corvette.
Sam: Deal. [kisses John's forehead]

Valerie: Sam, I finished all the oysters and I'm feeling kind of funny. What do you want to do now?
Sam: Actually, Val, I'm kind of busy here. Uh, a problem's just come up. Uh, something with the kegs here. The kegs are leaking.
Norm: What?!
Carla: He's feeding her a line, stupid.
Norm: Well, you don't joke about that kind of thing, ever.
Valerie: Well maybe when you're through here we can go for a drive.
Sam: Oh, I don't know. Uh, these kegs are a never-ending problem. I'm thinking of getting rid of them, actually.
Norm: Hey, I don't find this kind of thing funny. Okay, maybe it's me.

Frasier: Sam, if you do that, you may end up having to pay rent again on the poolroom and on the bathrooms.
Sam: Why is that?
Frasier: Well, if you take an action, you'll have to face the consequences.
Sam: No, I don't. I'm Sammy. Where have you been all these years?
Frasier: Oh, right. I forgot, you're Nietzsche's Superman.
Cliff: Oh, yeah. Is that the one with the craggy face, uh, looks like granite?
Norm: No, no, no, that's, uh, Bizarro Superman.
Cliff: Oh, wait, which one was weakened by red Kryptonite?
Norm: Blue Superman.
Woody: I thought he was black and he wore the big hats.
Norm: No, that's Super Fly.

Carla: Breathe easy, Doc. I brought an expert to help you.
Frasier: Great!
Carla: Okay, Father. Get out your holy water and cast Satan from that foosball machine.
Father Barry: Carla, I didn't come to perform an exorcism. I came because you told me that-that you had a friend who was thinking of converting.
Carla: Oh, he will, Father. Go with me on this one, Fras.
Father Barry: But first, you have to exorcise this foosball table. Carla, it may surprise you to learn that since Vatican Two, the church does not accept the existence of Satanically-possessed amusement machines.
Carla: First you dump Latin, and now this. What do we pay you guys for, anyway?

John: Darling, I have complete faith in you. If this is the man you want, that's good enough for me.
Sam: Wait, all right, wait. I see what you're doing here. Yeah, y- you think you think that I just wanted to go out with your daughter 'cause you said that I couldn't. And now that you say it's okay, you're hoping that I won't want to. Well, that won't work, because I really like her. So forget it. Come on, Valerie. Let's go.
Valerie: Gee, I don't know, Sam.
Sam: Why? What?
Valerie: Well, it seemed really exciting when Daddy didn't want me to date you. But now, I don't know. It just seems like I'd be dating some greasy bartender.
Sam: Excuse me?
Valerie: Well... Really, you're not exactly my type.
Sam: Oh, hey, don't you see what he's doing?
Valerie: Please, Sam. Let's not prolong this. The smell of your hair is making me queasy.

Sam: I can't believe I traded her for bathrooms.
Rebecca: Sam, give me a break. The only reason you're interested in that girl is because you can't have her. It was the same thing with me.
Woody: You wanted her, too, Miss Howe? Boy, I've been in this city one month too long.
Rebecca: No, no, Woody, he wanted me because he couldn't have me. You know, Sam, if I told you right now you could have me, I bet you wouldn't even be interested.
Sam: Maybe, but I'd, uh, still perform 'cause I'm a professional.

Woody: Hey, Carla, you'll never believe what I found in the storage closet. This great old foosball table.
Carla: [screams]
Woody: Yeah, I was pretty excited, too.

John: Uh, Sam.
Sam: Oh, hey, John, how very nice to see you again.
John: You're lying, aren't you?
Sam: Yes, I am.

Frasier: Sam, I'm a little hurt. If you felt the need to see a therapist, why didn't you come to me?
Sam: Oh. Well, l... You know, I was looking, sort of, for a doctor that, you know, didn't know me so well, who has, uh, blonde hair and smoky eyes and wears miniskirts and crosses her legs all the time.
Frasier: Oh. Connie Forsythe, a fine doctor.
Sam: Yeah. [chuckles]
Frasier: She'll straighten you out.
Sam: Oh, she did.