Sam: Man, I can never get the guy. I hate him. Just once I would like to do something that gets under his skin.
Frasier: Sam, forget him, he's gone.
Sam: No, he's not gone, there's no escaping the guy. I mean, I-I walk down my own hallway and I know that I'm on his turf. I can't even go to the damn bathroom without getting mad.
Norm: Oh, you, too, Sammy?
Sam: You know something? I'm out of here. I'm gonna go see Dr. Forsythe. I got to get this out of my system.
Frasier: You're going to talk to her about it?
Sam: No, I'm gonna get it out of my system. Talk?

John: Valerie, what are you doing down here? I asked you never to come down here.
Valerie: I just wanted to get the right amount on the check.
John: Well, I was perfectly pleased with the amount as written. Besides, I don't want you associating with the element that hangs around in this bar. Wipe your hands.

Valerie: You know, Sam, I have to confess I've never really been out with a guy like you before. I'm afraid I don't even know how to act.
Sam: Ah, well, it's really easy. Shimmy over here a little bit, will you? There you go. Now first off, just, you know, adjust your, uh, outfit a little bit there. Very good. Laugh like hell at everything I say and, oh, yeah, put your hand in my lap.
Valerie: [laughs]
Sam: No, th- That was not a joke.
Valerie: Sam, I really feel like I don't know what to say to you.
Sam: Well, it doesn't really matter, sweetheart, it's just... All you got to do is make sure you whisper it right here, right in my neck. Yeah, there you go. Oh, hi, John! [laughs] Boy, I didn't expect to see you here tonight.
John: Sam, I see you've made friends with my daughter.
Sam: Oh, yes, we're very good friends by now, John. I've discovered how her eyes dance in the light, how neat her hair smells, how soft her skin feels. Modesty prevents me from going on.
John: Fine, I'll send the wine steward over.
Valerie: Sam, I liked what you said about my eyes, but you know I'm wearing contacts.
Sam: Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah, I know. I saw them swimming around in there earlier.

Sam: Here, here, o-open up. Hey, John, look at this. Your daughter and I are sharing food together.
John: I hope I'm not interrupting, but has anybody told you about the specials for tonight?
Sam: Oh, it doesn't really matter, John. We're just gonna have a ton of raw oysters and then dash out of here all out of breath.
John: The oysters are delicious.
Sam: What the hell kind of father is he? Here I am, smelling your hair, talking oysters. I mean, I could be the biggest creep in the world. I could be taking you out for all the wrong reasons.
Valerie: Are you, Sam?
Sam: No, of course not. Here, jump in my lap. There you go.
Valerie: Sam, I'm not sure I feel comfortable sitting in your lap like this.
Sam: Hmm? Oh. How's that?
Valerie: Oh, I like that.

John: Uh, Sam, I wonder if I could speak with you for a moment?
Sam: Well, sure, John. Will you excuse me for a minute, Valerie?
Valerie: Oh, do I have to move?
Sam: Usually, but, uh, we'll talk about that later.

Sam: I'm telling you guys, it was beautiful.
Norm: Yeah?
Sam: I now have my poolroom and my bathrooms rent-free, but better yet, I had the guy in tears. Look at that. I got some of them right there on the napkin.
Norm: Very nice. Now, what are you gonna do about the date with the girl?
Sam: What? Oh, thank you, ooh. [laughs] I forgot.

Sam: [snaps fingers] I tell you, man, this is the best deal I've ever scammed. I get my poolroom and my bathrooms rent-free, and all I had to do was throw a little fish back I didn't want anyway.
Cliff: Yeah, way to go, Sammy. You want to, uh, go shoot some stick in your poolroom?
Sam: No, I don't think so.
Norm: Well, how'd you like to wash your hands, Sam, in your bathroom?
Sam: No, no.
Cliff: What do you want Sam?
Sam: I want that little fish back.

Sam: Woody, come over here, man. I want you to run a note up to Valerie for me. "I'm sorry for everything. Would you please go away with me this weekend? I can't stop thinking of you. Sam." Take it upstairs. Just make sure her father doesn't get this, all right?
Woody: No sweat, Sam. You know, back in Hanover, I was the official town go-between. Anytime anybody needed a love note delivered, they'd call on Woody Boyd. It got to where all I had to do was knock on a door, my butt was filled with birdshot.

Carla: Fools! Nonbelievers! Can't you see what this evil machine has done? Look, you're trapped! You're spending every minute of every day in this bar.
Cliff: We always do that.
Carla: Yeah, but now you're doing it standing up.
Norm: Ooh, that is kind of eerie.
Frasier: Oh, Carla! This machine does not have a demonic capacity! Even if it did, what could it do to you? It's got a tiny little ball. It's got these... These little plastic men. Or do you suppose that if you, you stick your hand here into the goal, it'll bite it off? Ow! [screams] [men laughing] See? I'm just playing on your superstitions. Hey. Hey, my hand's caught. [Norm and Cliff laugh] No, no, it's really caught.
Norm: I know, that's why we're laughing.

Sam: Oh, good, Woody, did you deliver the note there?
Woody: Uh, yeah. Well, I... I couldn't find Miss Hill, so I waited around a while and ended up leaving it with Reuben, the busboy.
Sam: Oh, good, thanks, man.
Woody: Yeah, he's... He's really looking forward to the weekend. He wants to know what he should wear.
Sam: Woody, Woody, didn't you tell Reuben that the note was for Valerie?
Woody: Oh, Sam, I didn't have the heart. He was so happy. He was walking on air.
Valerie: Sam, this isn't fair. It's one thing to string me along, but our busboy, Reuben, is in a very vulnerable state. He just split up with the pastry chef.