George Michael: You know, it's so great to be hanging out with you. There are certain things that I can talk to you about that I can't really with my dad. Like, uh, were-were you ever awkward around girls?
Gob: What do you mean? Like if there were three of us and I didn't know where to start? No, I think I did pretty well. [George Michael chuckles] Not a lot of complaints, if you know what I mean. At least not from the girl.
George Michael: You're saying I should just be myself?
Gob: And he had to drive her home. So I think I did pretty good. Pretty damn good.

Buster: I just wanted to check in and make sure you're aware that your ban on organized sports in this family has been violated.
George Sr.: Ban on organized sports?
Buster: You know, how you wouldn't let me sign up for anything when I was a kid.
George Sr.: Is that what you've been thinking all these years? No, no. You were You were just a turd out there, you know? You couldn't kick and you couldn't run. You know, you were just a-a turd.

Barry: I got here as quickly as I could.
Michael: I didn't know you had a daughter?
Barry: I don't.
Woman: I thought you wanted me to call you Daddy?
Barry: Why don't you wait for Daddy in the car?

Barry: All right. What do we have here?
Michael: Gob sunk the yacht. The last time Kitty was seen, she was getting onto it. It's on tape.
Barry: Ooh! Did you see this?
Maeby: Yep.
Barry: Ooh! Chills. Why do I keep getting these bruises?

George Michael: Say what you will about America, thirteen bucks still gets you an awful lot of mice.
Gob: Who said anything bad about America?
George Michael: No. Well, I meant...

Gob: So you're telling me that you walked into a store and without anyone noticing took an entire outfit? There's no way that you could do sleight of hand that well. I don't even think that I could do it.
Michael: Yeah, I've seen your tape.
Lindsay, this is appalling.
Gob: What'd you use for misdirection?
Lindsay: Misdirection?
Gob: Yeah, I mean, if you're so good at magic what'd you have them looking at to divert their attention?
Lindsay: I don't know my ass.
Gob: My ass. You're lying.

George Michael: Hey, Dad! Do you think this purse goes with this outfit? Where'd my dad go?
Tobias: [sing-songy] Douche chill.

Narrator: And so Michael took his niece to Bring Your Daughter to Work Day.
Maeby: You can just drop me off at the mall.
Michael: Oh, no, you're-you're really coming with me. You're gonna learn a little something about hard work. [Maeby jumps out of the car] Hey, Maeby! Maeby!
[later:]
Maeby: Okay, so you can run faster than me. But you can't make me work.
Michael: No one's making you do anything, you know. It's just a chance for us to spend some time together. Learn about business. You know, you might find that you're good at things you didn't even know about.
[Maeby reaches for the door handle. Later, Michael returns to the car as Maeby picks leaves out of her hair:]
Michael: See that? Who knew you were such a good little climber?

Michael: Now listen, let's make this fun, okay? We're family. What is better than hanging out with family? [phone rings] Hmm? Oh, it's my mother. [call disconnects]

Michael: And now I'm filling out an expense report so I can sleep well at night knowing that I have been honest. You're not asleep.
Maeby: I was.
Michael: You were not. I would like to see if you could go one day without telling a lie. Just one whole day without being like your mom.
Maeby: What's in it for me if I do?
Michael: You'll win my respect.
Maeby: Good night.
Michael: And 50 bucks.
Maeby: Fine. I'll do it if you do it.
Michael: That-a-girl. This is gonna be fun.
Maeby: I win.