Jacob: All I'm saying is, like a lot of things, Christmas trees are stolen pagan traditions. That doesn't bother you? Like-
Melissa: You know what? It really does. I'm gonna head outside and see if I can't get over it.
Barbara: What a lovely idea.
Jacob: But it's 30 degrees out.
Melissa: My liquor coat will make it a toasty 42.
Jacob: You know, while I got you, Rudolph Created by advertisers.
Mr. Johnson: To sell what? Red noses? Boy, you sound ridiculous.

Jacob: I'm sure you already know that Christmas was essentially invented by Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, right?
Barbara: Maybe we can just focus on-
Jacob: It's because of him that this time of year has turned into such a materialist bacchanal.
Melissa: [chuckles] Oh, that guy sounds really annoying.
Jacob: Beyond. He took a great tradition and turned it into something miserable.
Melissa: Can't imagine why anybody would do something like that.
Jacob: Me neither. Some people, you know?
Melissa: Yeah, I sure do.
Barbara: Melissa.
Melissa: I'm agreeing with him.

Mr. Johnson: [flatly] "On, Dancer, on, Prancer, on, Donner and Blitzen. She slays holidays, it's the sweet Christmas Vixen."
Ava: Seasons greetings, Ava's elves! It is I, Principal Coleman Claus!
Barbara: Santa Claus just had a heart attack.
Ava: It's time for the gift exchange. Let's find out who's been naughty and who's been nice. And, remember, I only reward the naughty. Everyone who picked a name out of Mr. Johnson's ice skate last week, please gather 'round.
Mr. Johnson: Dorothy Hamill and I used to be a thing. This is all I have left of her.