‘Youth is Wasted on the Dick’
Season 5, Episode 15 - Aired March 14, 2000
Dick tries to make up for his non-existent youth when he and Mary travel to a B&B during Spring Break. Meanwhile, Sally falls for a state police officer, Jack McManus (Miguel Ferrer), who takes over Don's investigation in the neighborhood.
Quote from Mary
Mary: Look at this place. You really know how to trash a hotel room, Dick.
Dick: I'm sorry, Mary.
Mary: What are these?
Dick: Oh, those are cantaloupe balls injected with vodka.
Mary: Stupid. [eats them]
Quote from Dick
Dick: I'm just so sorry. I've ruined this place that holds so many happy memories for you.
Mary: Memories? No, that old woman was right. My parents only brought drunkenness and chaos to this place. I guess I romanticized it because I was fat and unhappy and I just didn't want to remember it that way.
Dick: That's so sad. Have you ever thought about selling your story to Lifetime? You could call it Fat, Fat Little Girl... the Mary Albright story.
Quote from Harry
Jack McMannus: Bunch of yokels. I'm outta here. [exits]
Tommy: What's a yokel?
Harry: I don't know. Some kind of cop talk. Probably means brave.
Quote from Dick
Dick: It's funny. When young people get rowdy and dance in a bar, everybody says they're just having fun. But when an adult does it, they say, and I quote, "Quick, call an ambulance! Some creepy old man is having a seizure in here!"
Quote from Tommy
Sally: Jack, are you leaving?
Jack McMannus: This case is a bust. Barney Fife here alerted the perp to our presence, and now he's fled.
Harry: Boy, give us some credit.
Tommy: Yeah. We screwed up the case, too.