Sally: No, Don, I know what I'm doing. I just want them to be as happy as we are.
Don: But we-- We weren't forced together, Sally. We came together naturally. I mean, you were this- this huge boulder, and I was this tiny drop of water. And it took time, but I kept dripping... drip, drip, drip... until I wore you down.
Sally: Yeah, you did.
Don: And now look at us. You're still a boulder, but I've worn a nice little crease in you.

Dick: Jennifer.
Jennifer Ravelli: Dick, you scared me well-nigh to death.
Dick: I've been waiting for you.
Jennifer Ravelli: For me?
Dick: We have to nip this thing in the bud. It pains me to say this, but we can't be an item.
Jennifer Ravelli: We can't be an item?
Dick: No, we can't. And it's not because you're not beautiful, because you know you are. And I can't pretend that your intellect doesn't intrigue me, because I'd like to drill holes in your head and suck all your thoughts out with a straw. I'd love nothing more than to sweep you off your feet right now and take you away to some distant island where we could romp naked in the crystal waters and pay way too much for mediocre food, but what can we do? It's basically a monopoly, and the service is pretty good. But I can't! I can't! And that's going to have to be final!

Mary: How about we spend some time together? Tonight. Just the two of us.
Dick: Really?
Mary: Absolutely. I'll bring the wine. Say, uh, 6:00?
Lucy: You've got the roundtable on tenure.
Mary: 7:00.
Lucy: Steering committee.
Mary: 8:00?
Lucy: Well, you're open, but I could make something up.
Mary: 8:00.
Dick: I'll see you at my place. Oh, and, uh, Lucy what are you doing at 8:00?
Lucy: Nothing.
Dick: That's right.

Harry: Tommy, could you get me a bottle of bourbon from the back room?
Tommy: Yeah, you got it.
Doug: Hey, hey, hey, Harry. I don't mind your underage nephew helping out around the bar here, but I'm not paying him.
Tommy: Oh, no, that's okay. I work for beer.
Doug: All right.

Harry: Well, what does it do?
Tommy: Well, it tells you how good a lover you are.
Harry: Oh, how? You make love to it?
Tommy: No, you- You just put your hand on it.
Harry: Then after a couple of dates, you make love to it.
Tommy: No, you just put a nickel in it.
Harry: Wow. A nickel for all that lovin'.

Mary: [enters] Hello.
Dick: How dare you!
Mary: Oh, Dick, I'm so sorry. The tenure committee bumped into the steering committee, and then the wheels came off.
Dick: Oh. Well, thanks to you, I had to eat both our dinners, and I'm uncomfortably full.

Dick: I want things to be like they used to be, Mary. Make love to me, right here on this table, like we always used to want to do.

Mary: And this is your office. Oh, uh, Jennifer Ravelli, meet Dick Solomon.
Dick: [very British] Oh, helloo.
Jennifer Ravelli: Oh, what a delightfully eclectic sense of decor you have.
Dick: Ah, the mockery begins.
Jennifer Ravelli: Oh, I love it. How whimsical!
Dick: Okay, the potato man... we don't touch that.
Mary: Ah, Jennifer, have you met your assistant Nina Campbell? Uh, Dick, maybe you could take Jennifer on a tour of the campus later on.
Dick: Oh, fine. But we'll have to walk. [Hillbilly accent] My rusty old tater truck's in the shop, and I plum forgot my mule.
Mary: Play nice.

Nina: So you teach literature, Dr. Ravelli?
Jennifer Ravelli: The classics: Chaucer, Moliere, Cervantes.
Dick: Oh, so you read books for a living.
Jennifer Ravelli: And they pay me. Imagine! [laughs]
Dick: [mocks her laugh] Soooo-eeeee. Pig, pig, pig, pig.

Tommy: Okay, I think I fixed it. Let's try it out. [nyah nyah]
Harry: "Cold fish"?
Tommy: I thought I had it working.
Harry: Here, let me try it. [bell dings]
Tommy: "Hot stuff."
Harry: Looks like it's working to me.
Tommy: Out of my way. [nyah nyah] This doesn't make any sense.
Harry: Hmm. Well, don't worry about it, Tommy. It probably just means that I'm a lot sexier than you are. [bell dings] Ladies.