Harry: Oh, come on, Tommy. Who cares what the machine says? You've got a lot going for you. You're cute.
Tommy: Great.
Harry: Oh, come on, Tommy. There's someone out there for everyone. You're a cold fish, so what? Find yourself a nice frigid girl.
Tommy: Really?
Harry: Yeah! Go on! Rock on, fish boy!

Dick: Oh, I see you're getting ready for the arrival of Professor McBitch!
Nina: Her name is Ravelli.
Dick: Oh, and my caustic joke on her name is "McBitch."
Nina: Hmm. That's clever.
Dick: "Hello, I'm professor McBitch. [with Boston accent] I come from Harvard." How snooty! She's probably told all her Harvard cronies how she's crowding out that Solomon bumpkin. Bumpkin?! How dare she call me that!

Mary: It's for Dr. Ravelli, our new professor of comparative literature. She's from Harvard.
Dick: Harvard. How nice.
Mary: I'm sure I memoed you about it.
Dick: So it's come to that, has it? I'm now nothing more to you than a tiny "cc" at the bottom of a memo. Just another name on the distribution list, dictated but not read.
Mary: Dick, you know that's not true.
Dick: Do I?

Sally: I have the perfect guy for you. His name is Eric. He's great. You gotta meet him.
Nina: Really? Well, what's he like?
Sally: He's like... a guy. You gotta meet him.
Nina: Well, how old is he?
Sally: I don't know. Old enough, if that's what you're worried about.
Nina: Well, is he Black?
Sally: Uh, does it matter?
Nina: No, but it would be nice, though.
Sally: Then he's Black!
Nina: Are you sure?
Sally: Uh... [places her arm next to Nina's] Yep, he's Black. Isn't that great?

Sally: Well, Harry, thanks to my selfless efforts, right about now, Nina and Eric are probably doin' it.
Tommy: It's only 7:00. They're probably still in the restaurant.
Harry: Oh. Hope they got a booth.

Sally: By the way, uh, how was your date with Eric?
Nina: Oh, it was fun.
Sally: Did I not tell you he's a great guy?
Nina: Yes, you did.
Sally: Yes, I did! All right, when are you going to see him again?
Nina: Oh, I don't think I'm going to, but thanks. He really is nice.
Sally: What? No, no. You- You're talking crazy.
Nina: We just didn't spark. I'm sorry, Sally. [walks away]
Sally: Not acceptable.

Dick: What's the matter with me? What have I done wrong?
Sally: You haven't done anything wrong.
Dick: No, I have! Earth's not supposed to work this way. I know how it works. You love one person. For me, that's Mary. That's the one hard, solid fact I've always been able to count on. And now there's this Jennifer. What's going on?

Dick: What's that I smell?
Jennifer Ravelli: Oh, is that me? I wore perfume today. Antonia's Flowers, a scent of the Hamptons. Is it too strong?
Dick: No, no. It's quite nice. In fact, it's delicately, delightfully, teasingly... stinking! It's giving me a headache. Please go away.
Jennifer Ravelli: I'm sorry, Dick. I'm sorry.

Sally: Okay. Favorite foods. Nina?
Nina: Can you believe this? Did she tell you there was a party?
Ed: She told me open sushi bar.
Don: Listen, guys, I had no idea that she was gonna do this. I can't say that I'm surprised, but I had no idea.
Sally: Okay, come on, guys. Let's focus here! Okay, turnons, turnoffs.
Nina: Sally, I have to warn you, I'm about to scratch your eyeballs out!

Harry: Hey, why so blue, little buddy?
Tommy: I'm a cold fish. I'm destined to live my life alone, unable to ignite the faintest flicker of lust in any woman.
Harry: Oh, yeah, I know how you feel. [bell dings]
Tommy: How can you know how I feel? You're hot stuff! The world's your freakin' oyster, man!