Don: What the hell was that? She just made me look like a complete jackass. Ah, women.
Tommy: I hear you, my friend.
Don: A woman may say that she wants a man to be obedient and nice, but does she really want that?
Harry: Yes, she does.
Don: No, she doesn't, because then she'll just walk all over you.
Dick: Amen to that, my friend. Women are maddening. They pretend to be so adult, but just like that, they'll sink all the way down to your level. Tell me, my friend, is that fair?
Harry: Yes, it is.
Tommy: No, it's not. Let me ask you something, my friend. Do you want Sally to want you more than ever?
Harry: No, he doesn't.
Don: Yes, I do.
Harry: This just isn't my day.

Yoga Instructor: And inhale and exhale.
Mary: Isn't this great exercise?
Sally: Yeah. I haven't had this hard a workout since the last time I went breathing.

Dick: Allow me, Mary. Con permiso, senor. La palanca del carro de la senora salta cuando hace el cambio. [The lady's transmission slips when it changes gears.]
Mechanic: Oh, si, si.
Dick: Tambien, quiere que le instale un equipo en stereo de doscientos matios con esos palantes gigantes en la parte de atras. [Also, she would like a 200 watt stereo installed with those gigantic speakers in the back]
Mechanic: Ah! No hay problema.
Mary: Oh, great.
Dick: Y por favor, a los costados, pinte llamas de color naranja encendido. [And... please paint bright orange flames along the sides.]
Mechanic: Eso sera muy caro.
Dick: Oh, no hay problema. Ella esta ilena de dinero. [No problem... she's loaded.]
Mechanic: Bueno, bueno!
Mary: Thank you very much, Dick.
Dick: No problema.

Dick: This rock and roll music has got to stop!
Elman: Why?
Dick: Because it's loud! And rhythmic! And rhythm can lead to dancing. Rock and roll music preaches a gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality, and I will not endorse an enterprise which is as fraught with peril as I believe this one to be!
Tommy: So, you resent us for being young and living in a world full of carnal possibilities which you can't possibly enjoy.
Dick: Yes! Now knock it off!

Sally: Thanks for coming over on such short notice, Don.
Don: I knew you'd call, Sally. It was just a matter of time.
Sally: I need you, Don. I need you bad.
Don: Well, you're lucky I was available. You know, I got a lot on my plate right now. You know, my- My lady plate.
Sally: Listen, you can do something for me that nobody else can do.
Don: I know I can, baby. But if you expect me to come crawling back to you now, you got another think coming.
Sally: Oh, no, I don't want that at all.
Don: Are you sure? 'Cause I can crawl like a bat out of hell.
Sally: Oh, no. Thanks, sweetie, but what I need from you is a background check on Matthew. Who is he? What are his weaknesses? How can I cut him out of the herd and bring him down?
Don: Why bother when you have a sick, hobbled wildebeest right in your own front yard?

Dick: Your desk was gone when I got here.
Mary: I believe you.
Dick: [laughs] It was me! I had them take away your desk! Me! [laughs]
Mary: This has got to stop.
Dick: Oh, you just want to quit 'cause you can't win. Oh, my poor defeated Mary. You're just outmatched, that's all. But it takes a big woman to admit that. [sits down and places hands on desk] And just to show there are no hard feelings, I'm going to- My arm is stuck. That's strange. So is this one. It's almost as if there was glue on my desk.
Mary: Dick, don't be ridiculous. It couldn't be glue. It must be thermal bond epoxy.
Dick: No! Uhhhh! Uhh!
[After Dick tries in vain to wrest his hands free, he sighs and lays his head down on the table]
Mary: [laughs]
Dick: Mistake. Huge mistake.

Sally: You came!
Matthew: How could I refuse?
Sally: Well, what was it that convinced you? The flowers? The radio dedications? The skywriting?
Matthew: You hired a skywriter.
Sally: Well, he was more of a crop duster, but he wrote "Sally" over your house with diopropylene.
Matthew: So that explains the vomiting.

Tommy: What can you do? You do things your way, they're not happy. You do things their way, they're still not happy.
Dick: When are we gonna learn you can't deal with women? The female feigns weakness only to use it as a weapon. It's like the praying mantis. Yeah. She acts so fragile and willowy, but when the male approaches, she sprays poisonous mucus from her eyelids, and he bursts into flames.
Tommy: Praying mantises don't do that.
Dick: So what? The analogy stands. You can't negotiate with them, Tommy. You gotta give as good as you get. Now, Mary found that out. Oh, yeah. The hard way.
Harry: Why are there office supplies stuck to the side of your head?
Dick: That's where I keep them.

Dick: Look, why can't you just drop this? Fine. I got engaged to you and didn't tell you I had a wife. I said I was sorry. It made me feel terrible, but I've stopped beating myself up about it.
Nina: Well, that makes one of you.
Mary: It's okay, Nina. Nothing to worry about. I'm over it. I'm an adult. I'm moving on. In fact, Sally, I'm glad you're here. I have my yoga class tonight and Judith can't make it.
Judith: I have a groin pull.

Don: Sally! Shall we go, milady?
Sally: I'm sorry, Don, I'm running late for something! I'll call you later. Bye-Bye!
Dick: Don't forget to tell Mary that I'm roller-skating with supermodels!