Harry: Nina, I can give you a ride to the dentist's office.
Nina: Really? You drive?
Harry: Like a maniac. Come on.

Sally: Hey, Don, you know what we should do tonight?
Don: Yes. But what were you thinking?
Sally: We should go back to your place and watch TV. They're showing a kidney transplant on cable.
Don: Oh. Sounds like fun, but I gotta work late tonight.
Sally: Oh, but I don't get the Surgery Channel.
Don: Oh. Well, Sally, there's no reason you gotta miss it. Why don't I give you my key?
Sally: Great. I'll put it under your mat when I'm done.
Don: Say, when you're done, why don't you just hang on to it?
Sally: Really? Your key? Oh, Don, it's beautiful. Oh, look! It's a Schlage! My favorite.

Leon: Dr. Solomon?
Dick: Leon, you're not hailing Pitman.
Leon: Uh, hail Pitman. But isn't 4 wrong?
Dick: Oh, what do you know?
Leon: Well, when I answered 4, you said I was dumber than a bucket of hair.
Dick: You must be mistaken.
Caryn: No, he's right. He said that if the orbital trajectory was 4, then the earth would spin out of orbit and crash into the sun.
Bug: And then you told us to "shun the idiot child Leon, for he has killed us all with his cretinous answer of 4."
Dick: Fine, fine. Pitman, say another number.
Pitman: 9?
Dick: Correct. All hail Pitman.

Nina: [wakes up] Aah!
Harry: Aah! Easy there, sleepyhead. This soup is hot, and, after all you've been through, the last thing you need is a good scalding.
Nina: How long have I been asleep?
Harry: Mm, it's been about 6 hours.
Nina: And you've been standing over me the whole time?
Harry: Oh, no. No, every couple of minutes, I had to go to the microwave to reheat the soup.
Nina: [chuckles] Ooh, wow. That's the strangest, nicest thing anybody's ever done for me. Thank you.
Harry: Oh, it's okay. Oh, by the way, I hope you don't mind, but while you were asleep, the light hit you just right, and I had to draw a portrait. I assume you like roller skating. [laughs]

Don: So, you really had a good time here last night without me. Did you have some friends over?
Sally: Uh-uh. Just me. Oh, I watched some fat guy getting a pig valve.
Don: Sorry I missed it.
Sally: Yeah, me, too. Hey, Don, how's a Western omelet sound?
Don: Oh, it sounds great.
Sally: Terrific. Hey, throw in some bacon if you got it, all right?

Tommy: Look, none of this stuff is true.
Dick: Oh, what do you mean?
Tommy: Look.
Dick: "State-of-the-art equipment, superior student body, low suicide rate." You're right, Tommy. These are horrible lies. What am I going to do?
Tommy: Well, if you want to keep your integrity, you're going to have to quit the film.
Dick: These are horrible lies. What am I going to do?

Tommy: Uh, Pitman, we need to have a little chat. Dr. Solomon has some problems with the script.
Pitman: What do you mean?
Tommy: It's just a few little minor word changes, really. Like, uh, here where it says "scenic," he'd rather say "attractive." And instead of "rigorous," he'd prefer "challenging." And right here where it says, "the student body is superior," he would prefer "inferior."

Pitman: Fine. Dr. Solomon, from your line.
Dick: "Hello. I'm Dr. Dick Solomon, and I think you'll find the tradition of excellence here at Pendelton-" You know, what's tripping me up is the word "excellence." If I could just say, "tradition of adequacy."
Pitman: You know what? I don't care. You can rewrite whatever you want, as long as it makes Pendelton sound good.
Dick: But what's my motivation?
Pitman: Oh, maybe we want people to come here?
Mary: Oh.
Dick: Oh, well, okay then.

Sally: What's going on with you, Don?
Don: I'll tell you what's going on. You're turning Donville into Sallyburg, and I don't like it. I'm fed up with it, Sally.
Sally: Gosh. You never yelled at me before. I guess I screwed up.
Don: Starting to think that you like my apartment more than you like me.
Sally: Wait just a second. That is not even a little true, and you know that, pumpkin.
Don: Are you sure?
Sally: Of course I'm sure. Am I still your lady?
Don: You know it, baby.
Sally: Can I still come over and we can hang out together?
Don: Sure. [they kiss]
Sally: Can I have the key back?
Don: No.

Harry: Wow. Your bedroom's so much bigger than mine. Ooh. And a bed. Nice touch.
Nina: Oh, Harry, you're so funny. [Harry chuckles and kisses Nina] I'm gonna go pour us some wine. [exits]
Harry: I'll be right here. Okay. She lost four teeth, so that's twenty bucks.
Nina: [returns] You know, Harry I have been looking all over for the right guy, and all along he's been right here in my own backyard.
Harry: I once found a perfectly good comb in my backyard.