Dick: Oh, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to feel. Who am I?!
Harry: Well, let me see. Your first name's Dick. Your new last name is Head, so I guess that would make...
Dick: Oh, my God.

Don: I brought you a little somethin' for after the meal.
Sally: Oh, thanks. "People's exhibit B"?
Don: It came from a bakery we raided that was a front for a drug dealer. You might want to scrape off the powdered sugar before you serve it.

Dick: You guys know the Big Giant Head, right?
Sally: Yeah.
Harry: Uh-huh.
Dick: Well, you're not gonna believe this, but he's my... He's my father!
Sally: What?! No way!
Tommy: That's just like in Star Wars when Luke Skywalker finds out that Darth Vader's his father.
Dick: Oh, grow up, Tommy. That was popular entertainment. This is real life!

Harry: Oh, Vicki, what happened to you?!
Vicki Dubcek: Well, you don't know what it's like livin' up there with him! I mean, at least on Earth I could fill the void in my soul with malt liquor and Velveeta.

Big Giant Head: Are you sure this is what fathers and sons do?
Dick: Yeah. Trust me. I saw it on a Kodak commercial.
Big Giant Head: How long do we drag our strings in the water?
Dick: I guess until somebody takes our picture and then processes it on Kodak paper.

Big Giant Head: The fish we got in the market have a lot less attitude than the ones in the lake.
Dick: Nina, could you behead and filet these for us? We're both starving.
Nina: Oh, I'd be happy to! Would you like them grilled or sauted.
Dick: You are such a sweetheart.
[Nina puts the fish in Dick's desk drawer]

Big Giant Head: So, Mary, tell me more about yourself. What do your parents do?
Mary: Oh, you know. They're just average retirees. Dad plays golf.
Dick: Yeah. And her mom likes to get tanked and shoot at squirrels from the garden window with a BB gun. You're just gonna love these people.

Harry: You two know each other?
Janice: Well, yeah. I met Vicki at the mall today.
Harry: Well, what a small world! You know, I wonder who else I know knows someone I know that I don't know knows that person I know. You know?

Vicki Dubcek: Hey, I have an extra ticket to Tommy's graduation. Please tell me you'll come. Please!
Janice: I don't know. Harry, isn't graduation sort of a family thing?
Harry: Oh, come on. Are you kiddin' me? Hearin' the names of 500 kids read in alphabetical order? That's not just fun for family. That's fun for everyone!

Tommy: Come on, Dick! You can't run away. Just stand up to the guy. He's just your father.
Dick: Yeah, but fathers are supposed to be looked up to and revered. Plus, I don't want him to give me the belt.
Tommy: What planet have you been living on for the last five years? Kids here don't revere their parents. They disrespect the hell out of them!
Dick: Are you sure?
Tommy: Yes. Trust me. This is my area. I know about disrespecting fathers.
Dick: That's right. You always make me feel like crap.
Tommy: See that?
Dick: Oh gee, thanks, Tommy. I don't know what I'd do without you. I probably don't say this often enough, but I love you, son.
Tommy: Shut up.
Dick: Jeez, you are good!