Sally: I cannot believe that Dick got to be High Commander. Why couldn't I have been the Big Giant Head's son?
Harry: Yeah, well, I don't have a mother or a father, and I got a great job on this mission.
Sally: Harry, you're the freakin' radio!
Harry: Sure, pick on the orphan.

Dick: He thinks you're not good enough for me.
Mary: Oh, I don't think he meant that. Did you, Stone?
Big Giant Head: Mary, I think you're a perfectly good girlfriend... for, say, the beer delivery guy.
Mary: Oh, Stone. [laughs] Oh, that reminds me of something that Nietzche once said. What was it? Um du bist ein esel.
Big Giant Head: What?
Mary: You're an ass!

Tommy: Thank you. Principal Greschner, faculty, honored guests, lunch ladies, weird old guy in the raincoat... What does it mean to be valedictorian? For many, being first in one's class is a distinction that defines their futures. But for me... it means squat because I don't have a girlfriend.
Alissa: Oh, my god.
Tommy: That's right, Alissa. Being first in my class pales in comparison to being first in your heart. So... what I'll remember most about my high school experience is our time together. Our long walks after school, doing homework in the coffee house, that day in the park when it rained.
Alissa: Oh, Tommy.
Tommy: And, um... I think I'll remember most that time that we fooled around on your parents' bed when they were out of town. Alissa, please take me back.
Alissa: Go to hell!
Tommy: Long live rock! [cheers and applause]

Dick: You know, it's funny. Whenever the Big Giant Head left before, I'd feel relieved. But now that I know he's my father, I feel especially relieved.

Tommy: Well, it must be nice to know where you come from.
Sally: Yeah, to find out who your family is.
Dick: Oh, I already know who my family is. It's not some guy who waltzes in and calls himself "father." It's the people I let into my life, the people I trust and love.
Harry: Whoa. I'd like to meet those people. They sure sound nice.
Dick: No, Harry, I mean all of you.
Harry: No, I don't think so.

Tommy: Sally, have you been to my school lately?
Sally: No. Oh, y- Yes, I was. I was there. Um... I broke up with Alissa for you. [laughs at TV]
Tommy: Why would you do that?
Sally: She was gonna dump you first. I didn't want to see my baby get hurt.
Tommy: Yeah, but I am not your baby. I'm older than all of you, and it's time you start treating me that way!
Sally: Okay, well, now I know why Alissa was gonna dump you. You're very moody.

Sally: I knew it! I knew it. That's why I wasn't made High Commander. Daddy was playing favorites!

Dick: Can I ask you something, sir?
Big Giant Head: Well, sure, son.
Dick: Why did you wait until now to tell me you're my father?
Big Giant Head: Well, I've been very busy. But now... I want to find new meaning in my life. And please call me dad.
Dick: I couldn't do that, not after eons of you being my unpredictable and domineering overlord.
Big Giant Head: That's a short leap to dad.

Alissa: Tommy, will you please get lost?
Tommy: No. No. Just listen to me for a second. I did not tell Sally to break up with you.
Alissa: Oh, really? So she just decided to come down here and do it on her own?
Tommy: Yes! I don't need Sally. Breaking up with you is something I will do myself.
Alissa: What?!
Tommy: When the time co- If the time comes!
Alissa: Okay, you know what? It is so over between us. And I'm giving you back everything you ever gave me!
Tommy: You- I- [whimpers] If only I'd given her that towel.

Dick: Sally, we're running low on the mini-quiche. Could you heat up another batch?
Sally: Oh, that's nice. Order me around in front of your father. But just you wait till daddy's gone. I'm gonna give you the wedgie of a lifetime!
Dick: I'm telling!