‘Jolly Old St. Dick’
Season 2, Episode 12 - Aired December 15, 1996
The Solomons experience their first Christmas on Earth. Dick turns into a Grinch after trying to embrace the Christmas spirit, Sally and Harry get jobs at the mall, and Tommy struggles to choose a gift for August.
Quote from Harry
Harry: Bartender, two fingers, no fat. I believed in him. I thought we were bringin' joy to the world. I was gonna move to the North Pole to work in his toy factory. [to a mall Santa] Well, look what the cat dragged in. You got a lot of guts comin' in here, fat boy.
Santa #1: Do I know you?
Harry: Oh, don't get cute with me, Kringle. If that is your real name.
Santa #1: Hey, what's your problem?
Harry: You're my problem! So what are you gonna do? Get one of your reindeer to kick me to death?
Santa #2: Hey, take it easy. Take it easy.
Harry: Oh, mind your-- Whoa. Wait a second. But you- He-
Santa #3: Is there a problem?
Harry: [screams and runs away]
Quote from Nina
Nina: You know, this is the only time of year I like White music.
Mary: What do you think, Nina?
Nina: Mmm. Too much egg.
Mary: Needs more nog.
Nina: Yep.
Quote from Dick
Dick: There will be no holiday cheer, Nina, while there's work to be done.
Nina: Work? On Christmas Eve Eve?
Dick: I'll need all the grades for my 10:00 class broken down and re-tabulated for the whole semester.
Nina: On Christmas Eve Eve?
Dick: Yes.
Mary: Dick, we need somebody tall to hang the boughs of holly.
Dick: Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, no.
Quote from Sally
Man: I guess I'd like the plaid-
Sally: We're out of everything but green foil and happy snowmen.
Man: Well, it's for my mom, so-
Sally: You got your mom a dust miser? How nice. The gift that keeps on sucking.
Quote from Nina
Nina: Here, Merry Christmas.
Dick: You bought me a gift?
Nina: Yeah.
Dick: So you were my secret Santa?
Nina: I was not your secret Santa. I just happen to love Christmas. Now, open your damn present!
Quote from Mary
Mary: Where are those rum dreidels I made for Dr. Schwartz?
Dick: Mary, look what Nina gave me!
Mary: I'm not talking to you. You're ruining my Christmas.
Dick: No, no, that was the old Dick. I think I've actually got the spirit. I want to be a part of Christmas now.
Mary: Well, pah-dum- a-dum-pum.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Your papers?
Pitman: Sorry we're late. Don't take points off.
Dick: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! [throws the papers in the air]
Caryn: Dr. Solomon, what are you doing? We worked on those!
Dick: And in the spirit of Christmas, I'm not even gonna read them. I'm gonna give you all Cs!
Pitman: "Cs"?
Dick: Yes! Oh, what the hell. It's Christmas. C-pluses! [students cheer] Go, go, go, all of you, trim your stockings and stuff your trees! Merry Christmas!
Leon: God bless us, every one.
Quote from Dick
Mary: I know I've had a lot of rum balls, but that was really sweet.
Dick: It's just wonderful. I thought Christmas was all about stress and hostility and handcuffs and Miranda rights. But no, it's more. It's so much more! It's about giving and sharing and just being human.
Mary: Come on, the party's still going on, and I've saved a special dance for you.
Dick: Oh. Oh! That weed grew back again.
Mary: It's mistletoe.
Dick: Mistletoe?
Mary: Yeah.
Dick: Well, what's it for?
Mary: I'll show you. [kisses Dick] Merry Christmas.
Dick: Oh, merry Christmas to you. But what's the mistletoe for?
Mary: Dick!
Dick: Oh. [kisses Mary]
Quote from Harry
Harry: Well, I don't know how the real Santa's gonna slide down this thing, but he will.
Quote from Tommy
August: Merry Christmas, Tommy.
Tommy: This?
August: I made it myself. It's the two of us. See?
Tommy: [laughs] What I got for you is so much better than this! I mean, it is a joke how much better my stuff is than this! Which I love.