Dick: "Peace on earth, goodwill toward men", what a crock!
Tommy: Nine hundred dollars in fines, and they confiscated your chain saw?
Dick: And have you ever felt a taser? It's not nearly as much fun as it looks. What a bunch of hypocrites! Apparently, the Christmas spirit doesn't apply when you're trespassing and vandalizing.
Tommy: Oh, let's face it, Christmas is a sham.
Sally: How can humans take something like shopping, something pure and natural and good, and turn it into something so ugly?
Tommy: This is not a holiday, this is torture. They know exactly what they want, but they won't tell you. No, they make you guess.
Dick: This is just so Earth. Humans! I don't want to play any of their reindeer games.

Dick: And so we see that that B equals which equals 2 over delta which equals K times mass over 2 pi delta, and therefore- Leon. What are you passing around?
Leon: Oh, Caryn made them.
Caryn: Yeah, they're Christmas cookies.
Dick: Oh, how Christmasy. All sparkly, red and green. Oh, look. One of Santa's reindeer. Watch him fly. And look, a little Christmas bell. Ding, dong. I don't even know what this is.
Leon: It was a snowman.
Dick: No, it was butter and sugar and sprinkles, all wrapped up in empty sentiment and holiday hypocrisy.

Tommy: I finally found something for August.
Sally: Oh, perfume. Is this what she wants?
Tommy: I don't know. So I also got her a portable CD player.
Sally: Oh, she likes CDs.
Tommy: I don't know. So I got her earrings. Oh, yeah, and a cellular phone and a belt.
Sally: How did you afford all this stuff?
Tommy: Oh, you know that jar of pennies I have in my room?
Sally: Yeah.
Tommy: It's where I hide Dick's credit card.

Dick: Judith! Judith! Judith, come in here! Judith, I'm your secret Santa.
Judith: Get out.
Dick: Here. Merry Christmas.
Judith: Merry Christmas.
Dick: And Happy New Year.
Judith: Same to you.
Dick: May your holiday be filled with lords a-leaping, ladies dancing, pipers piping, drummers drumming, geese a-laying, swans a-swimming.
Judith: That will do. [exits]
Dick: [sings] Five golden rings!

Sally: Forget the stick, Dick. We found jobs. The mall is full of them. Christmas jobs. You are lookin' at a professional gift-wrapper.
Harry: And I am the executive assistant to Mr. Santa Claus.
Dick: I've heard of him. He's the muckedy-muck in charge of the whole shebang.
Harry: Yeah, well, I'm kind of his right-hand elf.

August: I have got the perfect present for you.
Tommy: A present? What for?
August: Christmas. What, you didn't get me anything?
Tommy: Ha. No, are you kidding? No, of c- Not get you anything? Of course I got you something. I, uh I got you the perfect something. It's perfect, and it's, uh, it's really something. Yeah.
August: You're so sweet.

Mrs. Dubcek: All right, we are wired.
Dick: Can I plug it in? Can I plug it in?
Mrs. Dubcek: Knock yourself out.
Dick: It's magnificent!
Mrs. Dubcek: You ain't seen nothin' yet. By the time I'm through with this joint, they're gonna be able to see it from the shuttle.

Sally: What is wrong with you people? This isn't about buying gifts at all. This is about viciousness and ruthlessness and aggression, and... usually I like all those things, but... but now, it's just really ruining Christmas.

Harry: Oh, don't worry, boys and girls. Santa will be right back after he takes care of some personal business. On the toilet.

Dick: Ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! Where do you think you're going?
Bug: It's Christmas break.
Dick: It is not Christmas break until I say it is. Not until you've completed the following remedial assignment. You will write a 15-page dissertation on wave physics and its relation to electromagnetic radiation. Oh, and a five-point bonus if you can tell me how the hell Santa delivers all those toys in one night. It's to be typewritten and on my desk no later than 6:00.
Caryn: Tonight?
Leon: But it's December 23rd.
Pitman: Yeah, it's Christmas Eve Eve.
Dick: Oh, it is? Well, tough tinsel.