Tommy: What happened to your coat?
Harry: I don't know what happened to it, so Ms. Dubcek let me borrow this one. Sweet woman.
Tommy: So you lost your coat? Oh, tough break.
Harry: I lost more than a coat, Tommy! I lost a friend, a buddy, a companion who kept me warm when it was cold and warmer when it was really sort of too hot to be wearing a coat.

Dick: Imagine how different war would be if instead of trying to kill each other, people just showed up armed with jokes.
Sally: But you could still have guns, right? Because, you know, eventually you'd stop laughing and want to get on with the killing.

Dick: Lieutenant, I need your help. I need you to find out what's funny.
Sally: Oh, I can't. [knocks Harry down with a plank of wood] I've got to build this, I ran out of room for my shoes.
Dick: Well, this is more important. It's about me!
Sally: Well, how am I supposed to know what's funny? [knocks Harry down again]
Tommy: What's so important about a sense of humor anyway?
Dick: Oh, come on, Tommy. Having a sense of humor is having the power to transform someone's mood, to lift his spirit. You give it to someone you love when she really needs it. And I just found out today that Mary's been getting it from another man.
Tommy: Dick, I think this whole " being funny" thing is just innate.
Dick: What do you think, Lieutenant?
Sally: What do I think? [Harry ducks as Sally swings the plank] I think either you got it or you don't. [Sally knocks down Tommy]
Dick: Oh! Look what you just did! [Sally knocks down Harry and then Tommy again]
Sally: What's wrong with you guys?
Dick: Come on! Wake up, you two! [sprays them with water] Come on! How am I ever gonna find out what's funny?

Sally: Dick, I've been thinking about this "humor" thing. Why don't you try what those guys on TV do? Everybody says they're funny?
Tommy: Oh, yeah, those guys!
Sally: You know... [Sally, Harry and Tommy imitate The Three Stooges]
Dick: The McLaughlin Group? No. They're not funny at all.

Dick: Thank you! Thank you! Thanks a lot! Thank you so much! Now, I'm gonna tell you some jokes. Joke one: I went fishing last week. My permit said I could only catch five. Oh, I caught five, all right, as in 35.
Harry: [laughs]
Sally: Was that funny?
Tommy: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Dick: But you know... [chuckles] pot-stickers, what are they all about?
Harry: Haa-haa!
Dick: Okay, joke number two: some termites - I mean, huge termites - ate my house last night. [Harry is silent] Uh, it's gone. It's completely gone. Uh, that's it. That's the joke.
Tommy: Really sucked.
Sally: Really.

Dick: Um, I'd like to welcome you all here tonight. Before we go any further, I think that we should all acknowledge the sensational job that my esteemed colleague Dr. Mary Albright has done in organizing this truly worthwhile event. Dr. Albright. [applause] Don't you love Dr. Albright? I know I do. Now, I know many of you are wondering, what's with her long sleeves? Well, I'll tell you. It's to cover up her flabby arms. She shook them the other day, and the Dead Sea Scrolls fell out. [chuckles] She's, uh- She's quite old also, you see. But you know, as sweet and wonderful as Dr. Albright is, she can also be somewhat domineering, power-hungry and hostile, and I think I finally figured out why. Dr. Albright, while you may not have a man's genitalia, at least you have his razor stubble. Oh, oh, oh! Oh! And there's Nina. Nina is Dr. Albright's assistant. Nina, stand up, stand up. Come on, stand up. Show everybody how you put the "ass" in "assistant."

Harry: I left my coat on the bus.
Clerk: Can you describe it? Yes, it had eight wheels, hard plastic seats, and when it stopped, it went, "sh-h-h-h".
Sally: Harry, he means the coat.

Dick: You know, it's a remarkable feeling to be able to make someone else laugh. It's almost as if you have the power to get inside their brain and tickle it.
Harry: I can do that with a chopstick.

Comedian: So I said to her, "Hey, mom, your birthday was last month. Hoist it up yourself."
Dick: I don't get it. What are they laughing at?
Comedian: Anyway, I'm not saying my mom is overweight, but she's got that flabby skin under her arm. You know what I'm talking about. Well, the other day this wind picks up, this stuff starts jigglin'... out dropped a tricycle I lost when I was seven.
Dick: Excuse me. Perhaps you can help me out. Those things you said about your mother, I don't understand why they're considered funny.
Comedian: Well, um-- -
Dick: Is it because the toned arms that once cradled you securely now have large deposits of cellulite hanging from them? Is aging funny?
Comedian: If you think about it-
Dick: And you! Is it all the alcohol you're consuming that makes it okay to laugh at the expense of your loved ones?
Man: He's right! I love my fat mama! And you're a bad man!

Mary: This is an important fundraiser for Pendelton, and Ben can get those fat cats to cough up some cash.
Dick: Well, I can make a fat cat cough. I can even make him vomit.
Mary: Thanks, Dick, but Ben already said yes.
Dick: You don't think I'm funny?
Mary: Oh, Dick, you're loving and intelligent and sexy...
Dick: And funny?
Mary: Oh! I have a class!
Dick: I am funny! I am funny! I am!