Dick: We simply need to raise another $5,000, and a getaway at Pine Villa Estates will be ours.
Harry: Well, I guess it's time we sold that old refrigerator of ours. It is, after all, solid gold.
Sally: No, Harry, I think the refrigerator is harvest gold.
Harry: There are three grades of gold: fool's gold, black hills gold, and harvest gold being the most valuable.
Sally: I did not know that.

Dick: Okay, first off, there are no rare metals in this toaster. Second, we will be enjoying our Pop Tarts raw for some time to come.

Sally: Tommy, you are getting so big. What are they feeding ya?
Tommy: I don't know, fruits, vegetables, milk.
Sally: Aw. College.

Dick: Oh, what a wonderful wedding.
Sally: I laughed, I danced.
Harry: And I kicked some old maid butt.
Dick: I can't think of anything that would've made it more fun.
Sally: Being invited, maybe?
Dick: How was my toast?
Sally: Oh, good. Good. I guess you could've waited until the father of the bride finished his toast, but-
Dick: No, no, no. He was unfocused and sentimental.

Dick: Where to next?
Sally: Ooh, looks like we got a Bar Mitzvah in ballroom C.
Dick: Ooh.
Harry: There we go. Point me to the kugel.

Sally: You guys, check it out. Get a free black-and-white TV.
Harry: [shrieks] I've only ever seen color TVs.
Sally: All we have to do is attend a brief time-share presentation.
Dick: They're giving out TVs and presentations? What's in it for them?
Sally: Suckers.

Dick: Okay, Mary, are you ready to see the place where you'll be spending every vacation for the rest of your life?
Mary: Ready. [Dick uncovers Mary's eyes] I'm not ready.
Dick: Oh, my God. Will you look at this place? My God, it's gorgeous! And only three hours and four car barges away.

Harry: Shrunk?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah, very possible. It's in all the medical journals.
Tommy: Really?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yeah. When you age, you get shorter. You see these capris? They used to be bike shorts.

Dick: By the way, Don, I have good news and bad news.
Don: What's the good news?
Dick: Mary's dying.
Don: That's good news?
Dick: Well, it is for you, Don. 'Cause I have to sell my half of the time-share to pay for Mary's operation, and the doctor feels that I should sell it to you.
Don: Well, uh, won't Mary need a nice place in the country to recuperate? Maybe you should buy me out.
Dick: Who are you, the Surgeon General? Mary's only chance is for you to buy this place.

Harry: Tommy, I'm shrinking. And who knows where it might end. So I've taken some precautions. [holds up tiny shirt] Stripes. They'll make me look taller. I also got you this. Hearing aid.
Tommy: I can hear you fine.
Harry: Well, sure, now. But when I-- [high-pitched] get real small I'll sound like this and I might need your help...
Tommy: Okay, all right. I think you're overreacting, but look. I can see you're really freaked out, so earlier on, I saw this.
Harry: Rutherford Enlargement Clinic. "For the man who wants more."
Tommy: "Let us help you become the size you deserve."