Dick: It's amazing. After all these years, we've actually played a part in bringing a new life onto this planet.
Sally: This kid is gonna have so much that we never had. He'll actually grow up here. He won't make all the mistakes we made.
Dick: We didn't make a lot of mistakes.
Tommy: What are you talking about? Do you remember the time that we thought the phone was a fire alarm and any time someone called, we'd run outside in our underpants?
Harry: Or what about the time we tried to bust open the television set because we wanted to meet the Jeffersons?
Sally: Yeah, yeah, yeah! But Dick stopped us 'cause he didn't want the Flintstones to escape!
Dick: Yeah. Our modern world would have terrified them.
Sally: Yeah, but I mean, they already had cars. They were very evolved.

Sally: You disobeyed orders, mister.
Dick: I couldn't do it.
Sally: Fine. I'll kill him myself.
Dick: You can't kill him. You're the High Commander.
Sally: So?
Dick: High commanders are forbidden to kill. They're considered upper management.
Sally: Fine. I hereby make myself security officer.
Dick: So you're security officer and High Commander?
Sally: Okay. You're High Commander. I'm gonna go kill that guy.
Dick: Got it. Oh, and by the way, my first order as High Commander is that you shall not kill that reporter.
Sally: No! Then I make myself High Commander again-
Dick: Uh, uh, uh. Can't do that, Lieutenant.
Sally: Oh, you had this planned all along!
Dick: That's why I'm High Commander. And, no, I didn't!

Sally: What happened, Harry?
Harry: It... came... out!
Dick: Is it a purple tube?
Harry: Well, it's purple, and it's slimy, and it's got a hose.
Tommy: A hose?! Oh, great. It's a mutant!
Dick: All right. We'll kidnap him and hide him. When he's a teenager, we'll set him free. Then if he's really messed up, we can blame it on television.

Mary: Come on, Vicki, push.
Vicki Dubcek: I- I can't.
Mary: Yes, you can. Push.
Harry: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Maybe it doesn't wanna come out. Let's not rush things, okay? Here, let me just slide that right back in there for ya.
Vicki Dubcek: [hoarsely] You touch me you die! [snarls]

Mary: They just brought him to the nursery. He is positively glowing!
All: Oh!
Harry: Now he's glowin'.
Mary: Let's go see him. He's got Vicki's eyes.
Tommy: What's he doing with Vicki's eyes?
Sally: I just hope he's not eating them.

Vicki Dubcek: [on the phone while smoking] Yeah, that's right. Last name Dubcek. First name Victoria. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, no, the baby's right here. [wafts away cigarette smoke] [Harry enters] Yeah, his name is Eric Travis. Yeah. All right, well, when he gets back from lunch, just tell him that I was implanted by alien seed. [Harry gasps] Yeah. And I am now the mother of a hybrid alien race. Thanks a lot, hon. Bye-bye. [hangs-up]
Harry: Wrong number?
Vicki Dubcek: No, Harry, I was trying to talk to a reporter.
Harry: Oh, really?
Vicki Dubcek: Mmm-hmm. I think he's gonna be mighty interested in my tale of alien conception.
Harry: Oh, ho. Alien conception. [laughs] I'm goin' to the store. You need anything?
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, baby, I would love another carton of cigarettes.
Harry: Sure. Smokin' for two now.

Dick: Okay, how does this sound? "Born to Victoria Marie Dubcek, a healthy, totally human son."
Sally: Well, add illegitimate. I think she'd appreciate that.
Dick: That's a nice touch.

Tommy: Hey, Sally, what's for dinner? I'm starving.
Sally: Huh. I don't make dinner. I'm the High Commander. I have bigger fish to fry.
Dick: If it's bigger than sea bass, I won't eat it.
Sally: You guys, I'm not cooking, okay? I mean, I can't be distracted by household chores.
Tommy: I think the High Commander has a point.
Dick & Sally: Thank you.

Sally: How's Vicki?
Harry: Oh, proud. Proud, proud, proud, proud, proud, proud, proud, proud, proud. Callin' up everybody and telling 'em all about little Eric Travis.
Dick: That is nice.
Harry: Hey, I got an idea! Just a what if. You know how we're always saying that we should tell everybody that we're aliens?
Sally: We never say that.
Harry: Right! So if we bump into, oh, I don't know, say a reporter and we've got this cute little baby with its proud alien heritage... I mean, think about it! Everybody loves babies nowadays. I mean, what better time for us to come clean about who we really are?
Dick: Are you insane? Where did you get such a stupid idea?
Harry: [chuckles] I don't know.

Ken Fretts: Hello. I'm looking for a, uh Victoria Dubcek? I'm Ken Fretts of the World Globe. I got a call from this Dubcek lady about an alien baby?
Dick: Family meeting. Family meeting!
Tommy: We have a problem here.
Sally: No, no, no. We're fine. We all saw it. It's human. It's not a threat.
Dick: Well, maybe it isn't. But Vicki remembers being in the spaceship! If he talks to her, we're screwed! This guy's no idiot. He works for the World Globe.
Tommy: These guys don't quit till they get their story. I mean, did you see the pictures of that man with the 50-pound wart? Shots like that just don't fall into your lap!