Sally: How did you find us?
Ken Fretts: I found this note on your door.
Mary: "Dear friends, Mormons, and Jehovah's witnesses. We are now living in Huff Hall at Pendelton university. Please don't tell any reporters where we are"?
Ken Fretts: Does anybody have any info on this Dubcek baby? Anybody seen it?
All: No. [all mumbling]
Mary: Is something going on with the baby?
Dick: No, Mary! It's the... first baby of the millennium. And people like to make a fuss.
Mary: The millennium's months away.
Dick: That's not for you to decide, Mary.

Dick: A military unit can only succeed if it follows a single leader. It has... until now been my privilege to be that leader. But today, Sally, I pass that [French accent] baton to you.
Sally: You mean the [mocks French accent] baton I've had for three days?
Dick: Yes, that [French accent] baton.

Dick: What are you doing here?
Vicki Dubcek: Well, since my mother insists on telling me how to raise my own baby, I've just decided to move in with y'all.
Dick: Vicki, this is our home. True, we rent from your slattern mother, the town siphon, but that does not entitle you to impose yourself on... [sees Vicki breast feeding] We'll be leaving now.

Sally: Look, Vicki, it's just- It's not a really good- [sees Vicki breast feeding] Ah! That's how they work.
Vicki Dubcek: Yeah, you know, breast feeding is the most beautiful, natural thing a woman can do. I guess you wouldn't know that, would you? You bein' childless.
Sally: I had the opportunity. I just chose to put my career first, okay? Look, Vicki, this is just not a good time for us to have house guests.
Vicki Dubcek: Honey, I'm not gonna be here that long. I've gotta hang around long enough to talk to this reporter associate of mine, then I'll probably do the talk show circuit... Just me and Eric Travis my little E.T.

Dick: Well, I did it. I have a man's head in this box which I will now go feed to the fishes.
Sally: Good work. [Dick turns away] Let's have a look at it.
Dick: Very well. But I must warn you it's not pretty.
[Sally, Harry and Tommy gasp as Dick lifts up the lid and shows them the box]
Dick: Oh, I gave it to him. I gave it to him good, I did.
Sally: I'm proud of you, Dick. I didn't think you had it in ya.
Dick: Yeah, well killers kill.
Ken Fretts: [enters] Okay, where's the Dubcek kid?
Dick: Oh, my God! Then whose head is in that box?!
Tommy: This is a wig on a cake.
Dick: Well, it was going to be a surprise, but... Happy birthday, Sally! I'll get some plates and a comb!

Tommy: Guys, Vicki's here. She's talking to the reporter.
Ken Fretts: This is it? This is the alien baby?
Vicki Dubcek: Yeah.
Ken Fretts: You didn't even give him any little pointy ears? Paint him green, slap a tail on him?
Vicki Dubcek: I don't understand what you're talking-
Ken Fretts: Do you even read our newspaper?
Vicki Dubcek: I- I most certainly do! And my story is-
Ken Fretts: Oh, I know your story. You met a guy. You were beamed up. You got probed. Oh, and don't tell me. There was alcohol involved.
Vicki Dubcek: All right. Who told him my story?
Ken Fretts: [scoffs] Everybody in the world's told me that story. Listen, your baby's not special.
Vicki Dubcek: Oh. I see. I think that you're gonna be singing a different tune when he becomes your supreme overlord. Oh, yes.

Ken Fretts: I'm sorry. I just didn't think it was a very good story.
Tommy: You're right.
Sally: We tried tellin' her.
Dick: I, for one, am shocked- shocked! - that a paper of such high journalistic standards, a paper that had the cojones to tell the world about Cocoa, the rhyming bison, can't see a great story when it's right under your noses.
All: Dick!
Dick: On the other hand, perhaps you know best. Did Cocoa get that scholarship?

Harry: Oh, Vicki, I wish you didn't have to leave.
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, Harry I cannot stay in this place. I must leave here. You see, my star child and I are drawn to a place of comfort and spiritual balance a place where we can live out our celestial destiny.
Harry: And where's that, Vicki?
Vicki Dubcek: Orlando. [they kiss]
Harry: I will miss you.
Vicki Dubcek: Harry, I'm gonna miss you, too. But I'll be back. I promise. [walks away]
Harry: Vicki?
Vicki Dubcek: [returns] Yes, Harry?
Harry: You forgot your baby.
Vicki Dubcek: Oh, boy. [laughs] Sure did.

Dick: Please let it be human. Let it be human.
Sally: Sit down.
Dick: You can't tell me what to do.
Sally: Oh, yes, I can. The Big Giant Head made me High Commander.
Dick: Oh, right. A drunken lout from a distant galaxy got an eyeful of your righteous jugs and promoted you.
Sally: You know, that's funny. As I recall, he promoted me because your leadership was a debacle!
Dick: He was totally wasted.
Sally: He's our supreme leader, and-
Tommy: Hey, hey. We're disturbing all these people here.
Dick: Sorry, we're only human.
Sally: He's my brother. We fight!

Dick: All right. I've got a great plan.
Sally: Wait. I have a brilliant plan. We all hide somewhere until this whole thing blows over.
Dick: Damn it!
Sally: What?
Dick: That is a brilliant plan.