Vicki Dubcek: Hey, hon, what are you looking at? Oh, my God! You're going to your prom?
Alissa: Yeah. What's wrong?
Vicki Dubcek: Well, it's just- See, I never- I never got to go to my prom. It was supposed to be the most beautiful night of my life. Just me and Freddy Steckel.
Harry: Hmm. Like in your tattoo?
Vicki Dubcek: But something terrible happened that night. Freddy never made it to my house. As he was getting into his car in his driveway... his wife caught him and made him come back inside.
Alissa: That's sad.
Vicki Dubcek: I still have my pretty prom dress in my closet. Sure, now it's old... faded... stained with my tears. Do you wanna see it?

Harry: Oh, great. I guess I just have to stand here and twiddle [voice quavers] my... Incoming message from the Big Giant Head.
Tommy: Dick, Sally! It's the Big Giant Head!
Harry: The Big Giant Head has evaluated your mission, and you have been issued a score based on the color scale of the visible light spectrum.
Tommy: What?
Harry: Your mission has been adjudged... orange.
Dick: Hey, that's great.
Harry: Orange is very bad. On a scale of 1 to 10, it's, like, a 2.
Dick: Oh, damn!
Harry: To reevaluate your mission, the Big Giant Head is on his way to earth. He will arrive tomorrow between the earth hours of [robotic voice] 9 a.m. and 3:30 p.m. [normal voice] Someone from the mission must be home during this time. Transmission ending in 3, 2, 1... [sneezes]

Tommy: He's gonna yell. There will be lots of yelling, and then the hitting.
Dick: How dare he? He's never even been to this planet. He has no idea how hard it is to be a human.
Sally: Wait. "Be a human"? My God, you guys. Maybe that's our problem. We've become too damn human!
Dick: What are you talking about, Sally?
Sally: You see? "Sally." You used to call me "Lieutenant."
Dick: Well, we've adapted. We're emulating an earth family. Earth families don't refer to each other by rank. They use more familiar terms, like "you" and- and "bastard." And... "you bastard."

Sally: Thanks to you guys, our mission might be canceled.
Tommy: Us?!
Harry: Well, what about you? You separated yourself from the mission by moving into your own apartment!
Sally: Huh. Okay. Well, how about the fact that you decided to father a baby with Vicki despite the distinct possibility it might explode out of her stomach and eat the doctor's face off?
Harry: If there were any tentacles, it would show up in the sonogram.

Mary: You want me to talk about our sex life so you can impress an old college chum?
Dick: Yes. And don't be afraid to embellish. Every time you're about to describe something, multiply it by two first.
Mary: Dick, why are you so insecure? You're fine in bed.
Dick: Okay. Now, multiply it by two.
Mary: You're great in bed.
Dick: Multiply by four.
Mary: You are a stallion. The merest touch of your hand ignites an unquenchable inferno... in my loins.
Dick: Yes, four! Four. Do it. [goes to leave] Could I just hear five?
Mary: No!

Dick: Uh, Don, I'd like you to meet my old friend Stone.
Don: Friend, huh? Well, listen, friend, Rutherford is a clean town, and it's shenanigans such as yours that are gonna dash our hopes of landing the 20-aught-8 Summer Olympics!

Tommy: We're just practicing for the prom.
Don: Oh, the prom. One of the most grueling nights of the year for us boys in blue.
Harry: How come?
Don: How come? Prom night has all the ingredients of a tragedy. Take a couple of teenagers, throw in a bottle of scotch lifted from daddy's liquor cabinet, stir in a dash of loud music, and you've got a deadly cocktail.
Harry: I thought that was a Long Island Iced Tea.
Don: Do those have teenagers in them?
Harry: No.
Don: Then it isn't!

Dick: Harry, I'm gonna need and a couple of more knock-knock jokes.
Sally: Dick, listen. You have got to calm down.
Dick: Calm down? Do you want him to banish us into space in one of those big flat mirror things like in Superman II?
Tommy: Dick, that's not real.
Dick: It looked real.

Tommy: So, junior prom, eh? It's held in the gymnasium?
Alissa: Yeah. It's gonna be great.
Tommy: Mm-hmm. That sounds really romantic. You know, I spend five days a week there having hulking football players yank my underpants up my crack.
Alissa: Tommy, listen to me. I've always dreamed of going to my prom. I've been looking forward to it for years. So if you ruin it for me, I'll yank your underpants up your crack.
Tommy: This is a side of you that I like.

Harry: What- The Big Giant Head is coming here? Why?
Dick: To tear us four new ones.
Harry: But we just got these.