Dick: Harry, we're going back to Rutherford.
Harry: Well, have a nice trip. I think I left the iron on, so you might wanna check.
Sally: No, Harry. Um, you're coming with us.
Harry: I don't think you understand. I have got a network to run!
Sally: Look, we're not leaving you here alone.
Harry: I'm not alone. Tommy's here.
Dick: No, he went through the portal after you fired him. Harry, you can't be a network president alone in Manhattan without adult supervision.

Dick: Good old Rutherford. What an inspiring view.
Sally: Yeah, the tail lights on the cars and the flame burning over at the refinery.
Dick: You can even see the fast food signs out at the interstate off ramp. It's simply breathtaking.
Mary: I find it dumpy and depressing.
Don: Yeah, well, not the Pancake House.
Sally: Albright, you wanna see depressing, you should see all the garbage they have stacked up along Central Park West.
Mary: Were you in New York recently?
Dick: No. No. Sally was, uh, just looking at a travel brochure.

Dick: Human beings... That is, we human beings are so strange. We blindly go about our daily activities, unaware that if we only made a few slightly different choices, we'd turn out to be completely different people.
Sally: Yeah. Different, lying, cheating, weasely, horrible people! [looks at Don]
Don: Did I do something?
Sally: Oh, no, babe. You're perfect just the way you are.

Harry: Well, I'm gonna go watch TV. My shows are on.

Sally: Uh, okay. You know, I'm starting to feel real bad. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
Don: Well, hang in there. I'll tell my wife as soon as I'm out of office.
Sally: I can't wait till you step down as mayor.
Don: Not mayor. President. I'm going for the big one. And I want you right there beside me. Behind the scenes. Out of sight.
Sally: That is not good enough for me, Don. I mean, I wanna be involved in your life and share tender moments. I want to be your Secretary of Defense.

Darrell Hammond: I just saw Ana out in the hallway. She's crying her eyes out. What happened?
Tommy: Yeah, I broke up with her.
Darrell Hammond: Oh, sorry. I-
Tommy: Well, I was chomping at the bit, you know what I mean?
Darrell Hammond: Sure. Sure. Don't mean anything by it. You know, Tommy, it's really funny how quickly you guys hit it off. I've been trying to get Ana to go out with me for years, and she just never would-
Tommy: And she never will, man. Because she doesn't know who the real Darrell Hammond is.
Darrell Hammond: What does that mean?
Tommy: You hide behind your impressions, man. With all your wigs, your funny voices. She sees the mask and she doesn't see the man.
Darrell Hammond: Whoa.
Tommy: Let me ask you a question. What are you doin' on Update this week?
Darrell Hammond: I was gonna do Sean Connery talking about how it feels to be a senior citizen.
Tommy: Yeah, well, why don't you do Darrell Hammond talking about what it feels like to be... to be Darrell Hammond?
Darrell Hammond: I've been blind. Tommy, I've been blind. Thanks, buddy.

Dick: Look. Here. I've got something that'll cheer you up.
Mary: Ooh. Saks. Oh, you shouldn't have done this.
Dick: Please, accept it.
Mary: I never said anything about not accepting it. It's beautiful.
Dick: The saleslady called it a cocktail dress. I thought you'd get a lot of use out of it.

Sally: So, I know you're not supposed to go anyplace else, but, bear with me here, what if we did? What do you think would happen?
Don: Well, you know what would happen.
Sally: Oh, I know. But tell me anyway.
Don: Well, you-know-who would have my ass in a sling.
Sally: [chuckles] Oh, yeah. I know. Who?
Don: The wife.
Sally: Of course. [laughs] Your wife. You're married?!
Don: Simmer down.
Sally: Oh, my God. You're married! This is so not good!
Don: What's going on? You've been okay with this arrangement for years.
Sally: I have? I can't believe I'd do that. I am out of here.
Don: Come on. Baby, baby, baby. You know you're the one. I'm gonna divorce her. I just need a little time.
Sally: Okay.

Dick: Sally.
Sally: Dick.
Dick: Don.
Sally: Albright.
Don: Kiki.
Mary: Donnie.
Dick: Mary!

Harry: Isn't that the guy who normally does the impressions?
Tommy: Darrell. Darrell Hammond.
Harry: Yeah. Why isn't he funny?
Tommy: Some sort of experiment. He wanted to impress Ana Gasteyer, so he was gonna try being himself.
Harry: Ah. Well, that's a big mistake, man.