Darrell Hammond: Man, that felt so great! Tommy, they were really listening to me, weren't they?
Tommy: They were, man.
Harry: They were listenin' for some jokes, and they weren't quite hearing 'em. You know what? I've been known to do an impersonation myself. Yeah. Here's you. "Boo-hoo-hoo. I'm Darrell Hammond. I don't got a job no more. Boo-hoo-hoo. How am I gonna feed my child? Boo-hoo-hoo."

Mary: Can I open my eyes now?
Dick: No. Just a just a few more steps.
Mary: Oh, Dick, I've had my eyes closed ever since the oyster bar. What was that crunchy thing you made me eat?
Dick: I don't know. I had my eyes closed, too.

Dick: Would you care for an hors d'oeuvre? Duck eggs? Salmon eggs? Quail eggs? Eggs? Anything you want. The sky's the limit.

Mary: Dick, if you're intent on spending money on me, I can think of other ways of doing it.
Dick: Well, like how?
Mary: Like giving me money. I'm sorry, was that too blunt?
Dick: Yes, but money's not important. What's important is that we love each other. What we have is true love.
Mary: I can't do it. I can't take advantage of another deluded guy.
Dick: No, you're wrong, Mary. You're the one who's deluded. Because whether you know it or not, we were meant to be together.
Mary: Oh, God.
Dick: I love you, Mary.
Mary: Oh, stop talking about love. True love doesn't exist.
Dick: True love is real. And powerful and wonderful!
Mary: Oh, don't you think I'd like to believe in love? Life would be a lot simpler if I could.
Dick: Then pretend.
Mary: How?
Dick: It's easy.

Sally: What's that smell? [sniffs] Is that platinum? Oh. Oh, Donnie. Thank you, baby. What are you doing here? Isn't there some sort of riot in the Bronx?
Don: Yeah. Good thing we don't live up there. Sally, what would you say if I told you that when my wife asked me why I was gonna be late again tonight, I didn't lie?
Sally: Oh, my God. You told her you wanted a divorce?
Don: No, I told her to shut up.

Don: Let's slow down and reconsider this in the shower.
Sally: You know what? Forget it.
Don: Sally-
Sally: No, no, no. Seriously, it's over. Get out!
Don: One last thing. Can I still count on your vote?
Sally: Of course. We still agree on the issues.

Harry: Yeah, I mean it. You're really fired.
Tommy: What for?
Harry: Well, for the same reasons that you just fired me. Your ego's too huge and you want too much money. Well, I'm not taking it anymore. You're off the show.
Tommy: I am that show.
Harry: Wait a second. Who are you now?
Tommy: I'm me.
Harry: Well, then get away from my desk! You're confusing me.
Tommy: You listen to me. Lorne Michaels is my boss. He can fire me. You can't fire me.
Harry: Well, I'll fire his sad Canadian ass, too.

Dick: Good morning.
Mary: Good morning. Well, this is different.
Dick: Well, what do you mean? Being here with me?
Mary: No, I mean I can actually remember everything I did last night.

Dick: I feel wonderful. In fact, there's something important I have to ask you.
Mary: Hmm?
Dick: Will you... Will you move in with me?
Mary: Move into this beautiful loft?
Dick: Yes. We can have movers bring over all your things, or we could just burn them.

Dick: How does it feel now?
Mary: What?
Dick: To know that you're in love with me?
Mary: Oh, look, I liked the Gershwin, and the eager-to-please lovemaking.
Dick: Oh, we were so passionate. You called out my name three times. "Larry! Larry! Larry!" Okay, maybe it's not my name, but the passion...