Dick: What if I were to call in sick?
Sally: But you're not.
Dick: I know.
Harry: You've gone mad.
Dick: But it would be so easy.
Tommy: Dick, if it were so easy, don't you think somebody would have tried it already?
Dick: Look, someone had to be the first person to turn a corncob into a pipe.
Sally: Taking a sick day when you're not really sick? Sounds like a crime to me.
Dick: It's not a crime. It's the crime of the century.
Harry: That's brilliant! Turning a corncob into a pipe!

Don: Are you sure, Sally? 'Cause I could have sworn I left it here.
Sally: What did you say it was again? A radio station?
Don: A radio scanner.
Tommy: Is that like a CAT scanner?
Harry: No, I think if there was a CAT scan machine in here, we'd know about it.
Don: Just keep your eyes open. Let me know if you find it.
Sally: Okay, we will, Don. And I hope you find your cat.

Nina: You know, I'm not feeling too great. If it's okay with you, I'm gonna go home and get into bed.
Mary: Oh, of course it's okay with me. And if you don't feel well tomorrow, don't bother coming in.
Dick: Whoa, whoa, whoa! She can't stay home tomorrow. It's a workday. I want you to feel better, Nina, but coffee doesn't just magically float into my cup.
Nina: I'll leave some coffee in the machine.
Dick: No, no, no. I don't drink day-old coffee.
Nina: Yes, you do. [exits]

Strudwick: You're an idiot, Dick. Good-bye, Mary. [exits]
Mary: Good-bye.
Dick: Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, see you later, carrot top!
Mary: Why do you hate him so much?
Dick: Because he's an arrogant, loudmouthed, self-absorbed know-it-all.
Mary: Dick, that's you.
Dick: You didn't let me finish: with a beard.

Dick: Well, I wasn't real honest about being sick and everything, but it all turned out pretty well for me.
Sally: Wait. You said that the chancellor took away all your sick days.
Dick: Yeah, but he gave me six "mental health" days. And they're mandatory.
Tommy: Six mental health days? What are you gonna do?
Dick: Well, I'm required to see a doctor in the morning, but in the afternoon, I'm gonna go back to the go-cart track. I'm gonna try to jump the hay bales and take that baby out onto the open road.

Tommy: This isn't a walkie-talkie. It's a scanner. It picks up radio frequencies from police cars and fire trucks.
Sally: Don is so careless with his police equipment.
Harry: Yeah. Did he ever find his gun?
Sally: Not yet. The one in his holster's from a G.I. Joe set.

Mary: You're not even supposed to be here! You have Asiatic flu, remember?
Chancellor Duncan: Asiatic flu? That's highly contagious!
Strudwick: He should stay home for a week.
Dick: Oh, you'd just love to have me out of the way, wouldn't you?
Chancellor Duncan: Dick, the entire faculty's in this room. I want you to go home immediately.
Strudwick: Bye-bye, Dick. Feel better.
Dick: Fine! But if I'm going home, Strudwick, you're going home, too.
Strudwick: What? I'm not sick.
Dick: Oh, no? Say hello to the Asiatic flu! [kisses Strudwick]
Strudwick: What is wrong with you?! Are you insane?!
Mary: Why the hell did you do that?! You're not sick!
Dick: Yes, I am. Oh, my God! No, I'm not! Then why- Oh! Why did I use my tongue?!

Strudwick: You've got to get a laser pointer, Mary. Look, it's on the globe. You can refer to things on the board without ever leaving your desk.
Mary: I bet you could drive cats crazy, too.
Strudwick: I wouldn't know. But squirrels hate the crap out of 'em! [both laugh]

Dick: God, it's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. The air is crisp. Damn, I wish I were sick.
Harry: Yeah, I know what you mean. Actually, I don't.
Dick: Well, when you have a job and you're sick, you get something called a sick day, which means you get the whole day off.
Tommy: But if you're sick, you have to stay in bed.
Dick: Yeah, unless you said you were sick when you really weren't.
Sally: Yeah, I mean, how would they know?
Tommy: They wouldn't.
Dick: You're right, they really wouldn't.

Dick: Hey, guys. You would not believe my day!
Sally: Shh.
Dick: Yup, got a facial, went to the aquarium, taunted the walrus, then spent four hours at the arcade, where I won this!
Tommy: Shh.