Dick: Why does death have to be so inconvenient?
Harry: [holding an apple] Mmm, to die, to sleep. To sleep, perchance to dream. Oh! [turns apple around to reveal three bite marks that look like the holes of a skull] There's the rub, for in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil must give us pause.
Dick: What's that from?
Harry: I don't know, some Mel Gibson movie.

Mary: I can't believe this. I've never seen anybody die before.
Dick: I know, it's amazing. One minute, he's active, and the next, he's inert. First he's limber, and then he's stiff. His eyes are twinkly, then they're milky. He's rosy, then sallow. Oily, then dry. Gurgly, then silent.
Mary: Oh, will you stop!

Dick: If we measure X in grams and Y in centimeters per second, then Z is measured in a unit of energy we call ergs. The complete conversion of one gram of mass into energy thus releases one times three times 10 to the 10th power squared, which brings me to another point-- Your lives are fragile, and you're all going to die!

Harry: Is it cable yet? Hey, hey, is it cable?
Engineer: You're wired. [hands Harry the remote]
Harry: Oh! This is the second most exciting thing I have ever held in my hand.
Dick: Harry, you ready to go?
Harry: Oh, Dick, we've got cable, and, unlike primitive free television, this one you get to pay for.

Sally: Tommy, what happened to August?
Tommy: August? Well, August is bright and intelligent and funny, and I love to be with her, but Cheryl's easy.
Dick: So you're jeopardizing a meaningful relationship for pure physical pleasure.
Tommy: Exactly.
Dick: Very well. Carry on.
Tommy: Thank you, sir.

Dean Sumner: Look who I found. It's Dr. Solomon.
Dr. Hanlin: Well, an honest man in a den of bootlickers, not that I don't enjoy having my boots licked. It's just that I find you all contemptible. So tell me, Dick, what do you think of my work?
Dick: Mechanistic and disturbingly fascist, but pretentious high schoolers might find it thought-provoking.
Professor: I think it's groundbreaking.
Dr. Hanlin: I don't need the opinion of a water boy with tenure. I'm talking to my friend. You know, I like you, Solomon.
Dick: Well, I don't like you.
Dr. Hanlin: [laughs] But I don't think anybody hates me more than your friend, doctor, um...
Mary: Albright.
Dr. Hanlin: Yes. Probably because I turned her down.
Mary: I need something from the bar.
Dr. Hanlin: Yes, that should solve all your problems.
Dick: Well, then let's get drinking.

Dr. Hanlin: You're Dr. Solomon's sister. You're a lot better-looking than he is.
Sally: Hey, I'm up here.
Dr. Hanlin: Yes, all women would like to think that.
Sally: [grabs him by the tie] How would you like to have your eyeballs in the bottom of a martini glass? 'Cause I can do it.
Dr. Hanlin: Oh, oo-ooh! The Amazon's going to manhandle me.
Sally: You're not worth a broken nail.

Dick: Promise me you'll never collapse and be hauled away under a sheet, because the thought of you lying there, purple, rigid and distended, just makes me so sad.
Mary: 'Kay.
Dick: You know what we should do right now? Run out of here, grab a couple of horses, right bareback through the woods all night and make love in a meadow at sunrise.
Mary: I have a class in five minutes, and that's just the first of my reservations.
Dick: Forget class. Let's live! Let's taste danger. Let's go for the gusto, consequences be damned. Let's drive fast and eat cheese.
Mary: Are you insane?
Dick: I've simply awakened to the sensual possibilities of everything around me. [sniffs Mary's head]
Nina: You know, I think she's fully inflated.

Nina: This letter just came for you. It's from Dr. Hanlin.
Dick: "Dear Dr. Solomon, if you are reading this, it means that I am dead. As one honest man to another, it is my dying wish that you deliver an honest eulogy without any embellishment or flattering crap." An honest eulogy, I can do that.
Mary: No, you can't. An honest eulogy for that man would be insulting.
Dick: Well, I'll just have to find something to say about him that's both honest and uplifting.
Nina: Ooh. Oh, how about "we love him more today than yesterday"?

Dick: She's got the spirit. Isn't she wonderful?
Tommy: [flatly] Yeah, the magic never ends.
Dick: Mrs. Dubcek, did you hear this?
Mrs. Dubcek: Yes, I heard it. I don't know what is going on up here, but I have plaster falling into my jacuzzi.
Dick: Oh, I've never heard it called that before.
Mrs. Dubcek: Take it outside.