Sally: So, Tommy, can't find fulfillment in a meaningless relationship with a superficial, simpleminded bimbo?
Tommy: I know. I'm just as baffled as you are.

Dick: Mrs. Dubcek, have you ever been involved in funeral arrangements?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, not for myself, for my second husband. Lovely funeral, very nice. Hmm.
Dick: Well, I- I've been working on this eulogy. What was his like?
Mrs. Dubcek: Well, it was an outdoor service. And then this woman came along, asking for directions because she was lost and she couldn't find her way home. And we were so touched, that we just forgot about Carl's eulogy and just planted him.
Dick: So I- I just need to find some babbling eccentric to create a diversion. What are you doing on Saturday?
Mrs. Dubcek: You're just lucky you're so damnedably handsome.

Dick: Your time is short, and I barely know any of you. Close your books. I want to sit among you. I want to share your thoughts, learn your fears, expose your darkest secrets. Who's first? Bug, what about you?
Bug: Uh...
Dick: Why are you called Bug?
Bug: I got hit by a Volkswagen.
Dick: And Leon?
Leon: What?
Dick: Where are you from?
Leon: Here.
Dick: You see? This is fascinating. Uh, who's next? Pitman.
Pitman: Uh, what about you, Dr. Solomon? Where are you from?
Dick: [stands up] Okay. I'm sure that you've all heard of the radio telescope. Well... funny story. True story. I'm not human. [bell rings] Well, that's all the time we have. Oh, and by the way, I assume that some of you have taken a class from Dr. Hanlin. Does anyone have any stories about him? [all hands go up] Oh, good. I need something nice. [all hands go down]
Caryn: Oh, sorry.

Harry: But, Dick, when our mission ends and we leave this planet, will our bodies end up like that?
Dick: Of course. It's happened a million times. We study a planet. We take on the life-forms. We finish the job. We discard the life-forms. The end.
Sally: Dick, I feel different here. I mean, I like Sally. What will happen to her when I'm gone? What happens to all her stuff? All her shoes?
Dick: You won't care because the thing that's really you will be in another galaxy, and Sally will be just like Dr. Hanlin.

Dick: How can we honor the memory of a man like Leonard Hanlin? Well... he was governed by the laws of physics, as are all living things. It is a scientific fact that hearts and clocks slow down as they approach the speed of light, the point at which matter is converted into energy. Dr. Hanlin's heart approached that speed on Friday evening, at 7:57 according to the coroner, converting his matter into energy, into pure white light. Though he is no longer with us, he is all around us. [goes to sit down]
Father: Thank you.
Mary: That was absolutely beautiful.
Tommy: Matter to energy?
Sally: Could you have been more trite?
Harry: Why didn't you just phone it in?

Dick: The fact that someday we'll lose these bodies makes me want more. I want to share myself with someone.
Sally: And I think we all know who.
Dick: I want to savor every moment.
Tommy: I want to see places outside of Ohio.
Harry: Hmm. Hmm, I want one of those big cheeseburgers with three buns.

Sally: I want one of those things, you see people with them. You know, they're like this big.
Dick: A baby?
Sally: Yeah.
Dick: Aren't you kind of stuck with a baby for your whole life?
Sally: No, you only have a baby for, like, two years. [laughs] Men.

James Earl Jones: [v.o.] The Earth is covered with a deep, hard crust, although it does have a wonderful chewy center.

Dick: Sally, here's your coat. And I want you to be on your best behavior. This is a party in honor of Leonard Hanlin.
Sally: Why? Nobody likes him.
Dick: They hate him, but they honor him. It's a human phenomenon that I find fascinating. Behind his back they deride him, but to his face they kiss his ass.

Harry: Excuse me.
Dr. Hanlin: Can I help you?
Harry: Well, somebody said there was a giant flaming jackass over here.
Dr. Hanlin: They put it out.