Dick: Oh, no. No, no, no, it can't be. It's 1994!
Tommy: Dick, they're just old magazines.
Dick: Oh. For a hundred bucks an hour, you'd think he could renew a subscription.

Sally: So, Don you want to buy a doughnut for the gal who just made you detective?
Don: I'm not in the mood for doughnuts.
Sally: No doughnuts, Don?
Don: No.
Sally: What's wrong?
Don: A man isn't a man if he doesn't have respect. Borskey should have been mine, Sally.
Sally: It was just a fluke, Don. I mean, if you had run out of toilet paper, you could have caught him.
Don: You know what the sick irony is, Sally? I am out of toilet paper.

Nina: Here you go.
Dick: Yes! My X-ray glasses! Look out, women of Rutherford. From now on, Dick Solomon no longer has to use his imagination. [puts on glasses and looks at Nina] Nina, you're supposed to be naked.
Nina: I'm wearing my lead teddy.
Dick: Damn!

Judith: When they found him, he was completely devoured by woodland creatures.

Mary: I got it! They accepted my application. I'm going to Borneo!
Dick: What's so great about Borneo?
Mary: Oh, Dick, this is a tremendous opportunity. A chance to really study, to immerse myself in a primitive culture.
Judith: Congratulations, Mary. I myself could never live in the wild.
Mary: I've got to rub this in Dr. Erdman's face. Let's go to the faculty lounge and just let it slip out accidentally.
Judith: Bring the letter. I'll set, you spike.

Dick: Oh, Borneo. How wonderful for her. She could use a weekend away.
Nina: Oh, Dr. Solomon, she's going to be going for a year.
Dick: A year? She can't go away for a year. We're in a relationship. We just bought a fondue pot together. We've got plans.
Nina: Uh, it's going to take a lot more than hot cheese to keep her here. You're going to have to make a bigger commitment.
Dick: You mean, like an electric wok?
Nina: I mean like a marriage proposal.
Dick: Oh. You may be on to something. If she was my wife, she'd be so busy cooking and doing chores, she'd have no time for Borneo.

Tommy: You can't marry her. You're not even the same species.
Dick: She doesn't know that. As far as she knows, I'm like everybody else.
Sally: And eventually she'd figure out you're not like everybody else, and then she and I would have to go for a little "walk."
Dick: You wouldn't.
Sally: Sure, Dick, of course I wouldn't.

Dick: Mary, there's something I have to ask you. I may not be a rich man, I may not be a young man, I may not be a fireman, but I am a man who cares about you very deeply, and I can't bear the thought of you going away for a whole year.
Mary: Well, it's going to be hard for me, too, Dick.
Dick: Then why did you apply for this Borneo trip in the first place?
Mary: Well, I applied before we were...
Dick: Sleeping together?
Mary: No, we were sleeping together. I just wasn't sure if we were serious.
Dick: Have you ever slept with someone you weren't serious about?
Mary: Uh... no. The point is, we are.
Dick: Sleeping together?
Mary: Serious.

Dick: Run from the Jell-O! Run from the Jell-o!
Sally: Dick! What's going on?
Dick: [wakes up] Jell-O everywhere! Get off the bed! You'll crush Mary! Mary, I'm coming! I'm going to get you! Mary!
Tommy: Dick, calm down. There's no Mary here. There's no Jell-O. There's only you.
Dick: I-I-I don't know what happened. All I know is, if I had a mommy, I'd want her right now.

Sally: Don, what happens to people? Are they born bad, or one day do their minds just snap?
Don: If only we knew, Sally. One minute, little Johnny Normal is on his paper route. The next minute, there's a pile of dead bank guards, and Johnny is using grandma as a human shield.
Sally: So it's true, then? I mean, you just go to bed normal, and you wake up a deranged psychopath?
Don: It happens. Here. Take a look at this creep, Sally. Karl Borskey, wanted for grand theft auto in Dayton, Sandusky, and Greater Wapakoneta, and now believed to be here in Rutherford. I nab this dirtbag, I make detective. This guy's mine, all mine.
Sally: But you still like girls, right, Don?
Don: Damn straight, sugar.