Don: What the heck is going on here? You almost made me spill my joe.
Sally: That noise, Don, what is it?
Don: All right, everyone, there's no need to panic. This has been a test of the emergency broadcast system.
Dick: Why? Is there an emergency?
Don: No. This has only been a test. Had this been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed on where to go in your area for shelter.
Tommy: Shelter from what?
Don: Bombs.
Dick: To interrupt a program of this quality under the guise of national security is preposterous!

Harry: You know, I bet I could write a killer X Files.
Tommy: I could write one in my sleep.
Harry: I could write one hanging upside-down.
Tommy: I could write one with crayon.
Harry: I could write one if I lost both my arms and had to type with my feet.
Tommy: I could write one-
Dick: I want to watch one! Why don't you shut up and go write one?
Tommy: Fine, then. We will. Come on, Harry.
Harry: Yeah, come on.
Dick: Good! And when it's on TV, I'll talk all through the damn thing, see how you like it!
Harry: Someone should take the probe out of his butt.

Tommy: Okay, Harry, the first scene is critical. We have to hook the viewers with something exciting.
Harry: How about a picnic?
Tommy: Picnics aren't exciting.
Harry: I've been to some exciting picnics.

Tommy: Ooh, look. It's back on.
Don: Hmm, X Files. Never really got it.
Sally: I know. It's so inaccurate.
Don: Say, Sally, how's about tomorrow night I buy you the biggest steak in town?
Sally: How's about you throw in a baked potato?
Don: How's about you wear that red dress?
Sally: How's about you pick me up at 8:00?
Don: How's about I come early?
Dick: How's about you let us watch our show?

Harry: Oh, look at this. I bet they break the genetic code and realize Scully's been implanted by the smokin' guy.
Tommy: Oh, look at that! The alien just put a probe in that guy's ear.
Dick: Everybody knows you can't get a brain scan through the ear. You got to go through the butt.

Sally: [to a waitress] Hi, uh, excuse me. I'm looking for somebody, a big, strapping guy, handsome. He's a cop.
Don: Hi. Here I am.
Sally: Good for you. I'm looking for somebody.
Don: Sally? It's me, Don.
Sally: Don? Did you shave your mustache?
Don: I never had a mustache.
Sally: Are you wearing contacts?
Don: No, Sally, I'm wearing my glasses.
Sally: Are they new?
Don: Not since eighth grade.

Mary: Nina, do you have many men friends?
Nina: Oh, yeah, lots.
Mary: And they're just friends? You don't... you know.
Nina: Oh. [chuckles] Then, no.

Harry: Okay, they run down the hallway...
Tommy: ...a government agent is waiting.
Harry: He shoots.
Tommy: His hits the agent...
Harry: ...but he's wearing a bulletproof vest.
Tommy: Mulder runs.
Harry: The agent follows.
Tommy: He traps Mulder in the hallway.
Both: He kills Mulder!
Harry: oh, you're brilliant.
Tommy: Oh, thank you. And you're a genius.
Harry: True, but you're the best. Back at you. And you are super.
Both: We're both great!
Tommy: All right, let's get that down.
Harry: Okay, buddy.
Tommy: Now, what'd we say?
Harry: I don't remember.

Dick: What I mean is, I'm sorry if I've misled you in any way, but my heart, my mind, and Mr. Wiggly all belong to Mary Albright.

Don: I love walking in the rain. It's fun.
Sally: Really? I found it tedious. Maybe that's because I was with you. Oh, Don, this isn't working.
Don: Yeah, I kinda got that vibe.
Sally: I'm sorry, Don.
Don: I'm sorry too. Oh, look. The sun came out.
Sally: Yeah, but not for us.
Don: Well, good bye, Sally. It was nice while it lasted.
[Don removes his yellow raincoat to reveal his police uniform]
Sally: Good bye, Don. [looks at Don] Hold on a minute there, big guy! Maybe I've, uh, been a little hasty.
Don: Freeze! I may not have officially made detective yet, but I think I've figured out what's going on here. You're not in love with me. You're in love with the uniform.
Sally: Could you be right? Could my attraction to you be completely superficial? [gasps as Don holds his coat in front of his uniform]
Don: I'm afraid so.
Sally: What does this mean for us, Don?
Don: I'll tell you what it means. It means you never see me out of uniform again.
Sally: Hot dog!
Don: And you know, I've got a hat too.
Sally: Wear it.