Dr. Goldberg: So, why are you here, Dick?
Dick: Oh, you know, just a checkup. I thought you could give my brain a quick once-over. No biggie.
Dr. Goldberg: Has something been troubling you?
Dick: Nothing, nothing at all. How about you? You seem tense. Can I get you something?
Dr. Goldberg: Dick, you're holding back. Now, anything said in this room is absolutely confidential.
Dick: Really? [lays down on the couch] I don't belong on this planet. I'm an alien from another galaxy. The warranty on my brain just expired, and I'm scared to get married!
Dr. Goldberg: That's a start.

Dick: At first, all Sally ever did was complain about how I forced her to become a woman, but now all the time it's "Look at my body. I am so hot."
Dr. Goldberg: This is your daughter?
Dick: Sally? Uh, no, she's my sister.
Dr. Goldberg: I'm sorry. It's just that she's 20 years younger than you.
Dick: Oh, do you think I should make her be my daughter? Because that's doable.

Mary: It made me realize just what we have, and I've come to a decision. I'm not going to Borneo.
Dick: Oh, that's too bad.
Mary: I thought you wanted me to stay.
Dick: Then stay.
Mary: Do you want me to stay or not?
Dick: Oh, whatever.
Mary: Maybe I will go to Borneo, after all. You know, Borneo, where the sun gets so hot, the dress code is naked, because if you don't care, I don't care.
Dick: Of course I care. I love you, and I love knotty pine, and sherbet, dryer-fresh towels, and those clips that keep snack chips fresh. So when you go, I'll have four of the five things that I love.
Mary: Fine. I'll send you a postcard.
Dick: Oh, right. I love postcards, too.

Karl Borskey: Hey, get me away from this wacko.
Sally: Shut up!
Don: Sally, what are you doing?
Sally: Look who I caught squeezing the Charmin.
Don: But Sally, that isn't against the law.
Sally: It's Karl Borskey.
Don: [jumps] Yes, I know it's Karl Borskey. Lock him up.
Sally: Careful with those pantyhose. They're DKNY.

Sally: Okay, this is scaring me. This is getting worse. You got to call the Big Giant Head right now.
Harry: No. Only the High Commander has that authority.
Sally: Dick is out of commission. As second in command, I order you to call him.
Harry: Okay, fine, but I'm not broadcasting in stereo. A man's got to have his limit... You have reached the transmitting signal for the Big Giant Head. All Big Giant circuits are busy right now. Please stay on the line. [hums "The Girl from Ipanema"]

Mary: I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this sooner, because there shouldn't be any secrets between us.
Dick: Well, maybe a few secrets just to keep things interesting.
Mary: Ooh, no, because a relationship is built on honesty.
Dick: Okay, look, I'll let you have five little secrets if you can let me have one really big one.
Mary: No, Dick, it doesn't work that way. And, besides, sooner or later, we'll find out everything about each other. [Dick whimpers] Was there something else you wanted to say?
Dick: Mary, promise me that if Sally ever asks you to take a little walk, you'll run!

[dream sequence:]
Dick: The door. The door. There's got to be a door.
Nina: Good morning, Dr. Solomon.
Dick: Good morning, Nina. Get me a cup of coffee?
Judith: Dr. Solomon, you know why you've been brought here? Gentlemen.
Dick: Oh! Where are you taking me?
Judith: We're taking you to the truth room.
Dick: Actually, I need to go to the bathroom. This is scary.

[dream sequence:]
Dick: I'll tell you what you want to know! I'll tell you the truth, I promise!
Mary: [Eastern European accent] Of course you will, Dr. Solomon. Please sit.
Dick: Wh- What are you doing?
Mary: I am going to torture you until you talk.
Dick: Mary, you?
Mary: Why do you think they call me Dr. Albright? But first, I sing a little song I write this morning. [sings] Falling in love again Never wanted to What am I to do? Can't help it.

[dream sequence:]
Mary: Oh, Dick, look at us. I know you're keeping something from me. Please, you're safe. You don't have to pretend anymore.
Dick: All right. Mary, I'm an alien.
Mary: That's wonderful!
Dick: It is?
Mary: Yes, because I'm an alien, too. [rips off mask]
[Dick screams and runs out of the room into a meadow]

Dick: Have any of you ever had your sleep invaded by scary and almost metaphorical images you can't control?
All: No.
Harry: Oh, wait! No.
Dick: Well, then what's wrong with me?
Tommy: Well, August's uncle once had a complete mental breakdown, and he went to a psychiatrist.
Dick: A psycho-who-a-what?
Sally: Dick, you know what a psychiatrist is.
Dick: I know. I'm just so nervous.