Mary: Dick, do you mind?! I have work to do.
Dick: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just sitting here thinking what a lonely shambles my life has become. I don't have any friends. And you know why? Because I devoted all my time to my relationship with you.
Mary: Finger-pointing is not going to solve your problems.
Dick: I'm not finger-pointing. But it's your fault! You!

Don: Hey, Dick.
Dick: Don.
Don: So...
Dick: Look.
Don: ...hey.
Dick: Yeah.
Don: Yeah.
Dick: Last night?
Don: No biggie.
Dick: Cool.
Don: So... burger?
Dick: Fries?
Don: Later?
Dick: Sure.
Don: Solid. [exits]
Dick: That's my main man.

Dick: I don't like what this guy has done to you, Sally. You're broody and moody, and your hair looks like... like...
Sally: [English accent] Like what?
Dick: Doodie.

Sally: Yeah, well, what do you know? You and your ivory tower, hurling down your wisdom McNuggets dipped in the special sauce of the establishment. [muttering]
Dick: Now hang on there, Missy. I command you to drop that ridiculous accent.
Sally: What accent?
Dick: The bad English one.
Sally: I don't have to do a thing you-
Dick: Lieutenant.
Sally: [normal voice] Okayey-dokey.

Tommy: Come on, Dick. Let's see the wallet.
Dick: No, Tommy, you'll have to get your own money. I'm stretched thin just covering the bare essentials: food, clothing, shelter, and theater tickets.
Harry: Yeah, Tommy. You want money, maybe you should go get a job.
Dick: Harry, Tommy has a job.
Tommy: Yeah. I go to school.
Harry: Oh. Then maybe I should go get a job. [laughs] [off Dick and Tommy's look] Oh, man.

Dick: Good evening. Would you by any chance need a ticket for the show?
Woman: We have tickets. That's why we're here.
Dick: Well, what if I knocked off 5 bucks? 10 bucks? I'm insane! This ticket must go!

Mary: Dick, I didn't realize you and Don were such good friends.
Dick: Well, you know how it is. The college professor and police officer, it's a scheduling nightmare, but when we do find the time, Don and I are practically inseparable. Isn't that right, Donny, old boy? [pulls Don's face to his bare chest]
Don: Not entirely.

Dick: Turns out paintball is lot more fun than I thought, huh, Don?
Don: Well, you didn't have to tie me down and do me execution-style.
Dick: Come on, I was just playing around. No hard feelings. Hey, friends?
Don: Friends.

Don: I'd like to get a couple of Rutherford railroad stouts. Yeah, you know, they brew it right here in Rutherford.
Dick: Really?
Don: Yeah, they put a microbrewery in the old... brewery.
Dick: Hey, we ought to go take a tour sometime.
Don: Yeah. Free samples. Can't beat that with a stick.
Dick: No, sir, you can't.
Don: And you know the ladies love the beer.
Dick: Oh, yeah. You know who else loves the beer? Pathetic lonely guys. [both chuckle]
Don: Okay, enough of that.

Dick: So tomorrow night I was thinking sushi and the dog track?
Don: Well, that sounds like fun, but tomorrow night's no good for me.
Dick: No? You working the late shift?
Don: No.
Dick: Oh, you got a hot date?
Don: No, no.
Dick: Who is she? Come on, come on.
Don: No, no... No, I'm going out with my buddy Ernie. We're bowling a couple of games and eating some chicken wings.
Dick: Oh, of course. Chicken wings. I'm sure you'll have a good time with your buddy Ernie. [both drink]
Don: Smooth.
Dick: Disappointing.