Lillian: Well, just make sure that she treats you right, too.
Dean: What do you mean?
Lillian: Well, I noticed that you do a lot of things that she likes to do, but not a lot of things that you like to do.
Dean: That's not true.
Lillian: So you like The Lawrence Welk Show?
Dean: Yeah. I... like the bubbles.
Lillian: Mm-hmm. My point is, Dean, you don't have to change who you are to make a girl like you.
Bill: Well, I changed for you. You made me get rid of my conk.
Lillian: And you're welcome for that. But Dean is perfect the way he is.
Dean: Thanks, Mom. I get it. I won't let her boss me around.
Lillian: Okay, baby. And I'll make sure to have that brown suit pressed and ready for the Bar Mitzvah.
Dean: Oh, Charlene wants me to wear black.
Lillian: Oh, Lord.

Dean: Hey. What's goin' on, fellas? [chuckles] Oh! I forgot the new issue came out!
Keisa: I just got it yesterday. I would've taken you with me, but we're not friends anymore, so I should probably take my comic book that everyone is reading and loving to another table. Sorry, guys.
Brad: No! Come on!
Cory: Don't go!
Norman: No! Please don't go! Please!
Keisa: [to Dean] Guess that means you should go sit at another table. For the sake of your relationship, of course.

Lillian: Well... Not too tight, Bill. The boy nearly passed out at church last time.
Bill: Oh, I thought he caught the Holy Ghost. [laughs]
Lillian: Well, you just make sure you're on your best behavior, Dean. You're representing this family, too. If anything happens that makes you feel uncomfortable, your sister will be right there.
Kim: And just so you know, I don't want you talking to me or looking at me or breathing near me. I don't even want people to know we're related.
Bill: Um, I'm pretty sure they gonna know.

Dean: Why are you so worried? It's just a Bar Mitzvah.
Lillian: Brad and his parents may have friends who aren't as... welcoming as they are.
Bill: You know how Granddaddy Clisby says things about White people? [Dean nods] How would you feel if we invited Brad over to hang out with him?
Dean: Oh.
Adult Dean: Now, that I understood.
Dean: Well, uh, we should get going. We don't want to keep Charlene waiting.
Bill: Now, when you pick up Charlene and her father answers the door, you need to look him directly in the eye. He's not gonna like you, son, but that's just because he's a good dad. Regardless, you give him a firm handshake. Let me see yours. [Dean shakes his dad's hand and walks away] Let's hope her mom answers instead.

Dean: Okay, fine! I'll tell you. Charlene said that I can't be friends with Keisa anymore, which means I can't be with the rest of my friends, and now I'm gonna be stuck sitting with a bunch of toothless old people!
Kim: Why doesn't Charlene want you and Keisa being friends?
Dean: She said that, in order for us to have a healthy relationship, we have to stop being friends with people of the opposite sex.
Kim: [laughs] That sounds like the [bleep] they put in Seventeen for White people.
Dean: Now I'll be stuck sitting with a bunch of boring girls Charlene sits with.
Kim: Why don't you just get Charlene to become friends with Keisa? Then her friends are your friends and you can all hang out together.
Adult Dean: It was in moments like these that I remembered that Kim wasn't just my sister; she was a girl, too. She actually knew how girls worked!
Dean: Yeah. You're right. Thanks, Kim. You know, I-I didn't really want to tell you at first, but... [Kim turns the car radio on]

Adult Dean: Now that I'd made things right with Brad, I needed to stand up for myself, like I should've done when Charlene made me watch that stupid Lawrence Welk Show or read that dumb Archie comic, or when she said, "Tab tastes just like Coke." No, Charlene, it doesn't.
Dean: Charlene, me and Keisa are best friends, and I don't want that to end, so if you have a problem with that, then that's your problem, not mine.
Charlene: How could you be so mean, Dean? And on the night before our 26-day anniversary.
Kim: Well, this is gonna be an awkward ride home.
Brad: Dean. I couldn't help but notice, uh, a little situation here, buddy. Now that I'm a man, can I give you a little piece of advice? One day, when you're older, you'll look back on all these problems that seem so big right...
Dean: Shut up, Brad!
Adult Dean: Shut up, Brad!

Brad: It's more than that, though. It's a whole "becoming a man" thing or whatever.
Cory: Huh. My pops said you become a man when you start paying for the electric bills.
Dean: My auntie told me I'd become a man when I learn to please a woman.
Adult Dean: Okay, maybe I didn't know anything about becoming a man, but I did know one thing...

Dean: Can I invite Charlene, too?
Adult Dean: Me and Charlene had been dating for a month, and we'd already run out of things to do.
[flashback to Dean asleep on the couch with the telephone receiver by his head:]
Charlene: Dean? Dean! [television playing]
[present:]
Dean: It would really help me out if you invite Charlene. A Bar Mitzvah is the exact kind of party we need to reignite our passion.
Adult Dean: I still really didn't know what a Bar Mitzvah actually was.
Brad: I was hoping maybe you could invite Kim instead?
Dean: Well, maybe if you let me invite Charlene, there could be a way I can get Kim to come, too. Deal?
Brad: Deal!
Dean: Now get to Hebrew School and Torah it up! We have a party to prep for.

Adult Dean: See? Keisa was the best. How could I bring myself to tell her that our friendship that has meant so much to me for so long had to end because I have a girlfriend now?
Dean: Charlene said that we can't be friends anymore.
Keisa: Okay. If that's what you want. [makes basket and walks away]
Adult Dean: Well, I hope she's gonna be okay.

Adult Dean: What I did know was that I now had a foolproof plan on how I was gonna be friends with Keisa again.
Dean: Hey! Keisa! So good to see you. Especially since, you know, we haven't talked in so long. Uh, you remember Charlene.
Keisa: Mm-hmm.
Dean: I was just thinking how you two had so much in common. W-When did you guys meet? Kindergarten? Wow. What a time to forge lifelong friendships! [chuckles] What was that like?
Kim: [queitly] You're bad at this.