German Minister: We are here today to join this woman and the ground. Man is born of woman and his life is full of turmoil.
Jeb: [gathers and tastes soil] Huh. It's crap soil. Nothing's going to grow here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Doesn't matter. It's a cemetery.
Jeb: Yeah, well, I'm just saying it's garbage soil, that's all.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, the only thing we're planting here is dead bodies.
Jeb: It's fine 'cause they're not going to grow.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, thank god they're not because we don't want to make zombies.
Jeb: Good. I agree. Don't worry about it. You won't get any.

German Minister: Would the family care to say something?
Dwight K. Schrute: You had black hair and then gray hair.
Zeke: You were the aunt to my cousins. Most of your life you were 5'4", at the end you were 5'1".
[to camera:]
Oscar: They're a descriptive people.

Dwight K. Schrute: Henry.
Henry: Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: I see Esther's back in town.
Esther: Hi, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: Hi Esther. Nice of you to come today.
Esther: This was on the way. We're going into town after. I need yarn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, if you can snap two chicken necks with a single motion, why use two motions to slaughter those chickens.
Fannie: We're at a funeral. There's a funeral going on here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Okay.
Henry: Anyone mention her height?
Zeke: Yep.
Henry: Land size? [all shake heads; Henry removes his hat] Shirley, at 1600 acres, you have the largest farm in the area. Sharing borders with six other farms. Including my own farm. And your nephew Dwight's. [replaces hat] Okay. [taps on car door, drives away]
Dwight K. Schrute: So, let's get it going.

Pam: Would any of you be saying any of this if the cupcakes were from Supermart?
Angela: Do they even have a bakery anymore?
Kevin: They do. It's awful. And, it's getting worse every day.

Aunt Shirley: [on a recorded video] Thank you for coming to my funeral. As I gaze at life's big sunset, I can't help but wonder where it all went wrong. You've all disappointed me greatly. Fannie. A single mamma in the city.
Dwight K. Schrute: Thank you.
Aunt Shirley: Jeb. A street pusher.
[aside to camera:]
Jeb: After I left the army, I bought a 9-acre worm farm from a Californian. Turns out "worm" means something else out there. And, I am now in the business of... pain management. Or, the smoking of pain management.
[also to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I can't stand the fact that Jeb is a pot farmer. He could've grown anything. Anything in the world. He used to talk about growing a peanut-grape hybrid. One plant, one sandwich.

Pam: Wow. He is officially the worst human being.
Kevin: [as Pam tries to throw cupcake away] Ah. [stops Pam and takes cupcake]
Pam: But, Kevin that's...
Kevin: Yeah. No, I understand, Pam. I understand.

Todd: Hi, all.
Phyllis: Why are you here, Todd?
Todd: Okay. Let's get right to it. I guess. My name is Todd Packer and I am in recovery. I'm working the steps. I'm on step eight of Alcoholics Anonymous and step nine of Narcotics Anonymous. I'm here to make amends. I've been hard to deal with over the past years. Kind of a jerk. I know it. I don't need you to accept my apology, but I'd love it if you did.
Kevin: Packer, we accept.
Todd: Actually, they have a specific way I need to do this. And, I have to go through examples of stuff. OK. Uh, where to begin. Hey. Pam-pam and her pam-pams. Wow. I have said some crude things about those. But, they are beautiful. And, I guess that's why I acted out. Pam, I'm sorry I objectified you. And, personified your breasts. Sorry, guys. [to Phyllis] Oh boy. I have not been nice to you. Philly, I'm sorry for the things I said about your size. To your face, behind your back, and in the form of drawings. Actually, that goes to all you double XLs. Stanley, Kevin, [points to Clark] this kid in a few years.

Todd: Hey, uh, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing you.
Meredith: I'm not sorry about it.
Todd: I am. It was my rock bottom.

Jim: [as Dwight prepares to throw dirt in his face] I'm sure... I'm sure she's in a better place.
Dwight K. Schrute: I really hope so. [instead tosses dirt in Pam's face]
Jim: Okay. [as Dwight mixes coffee with dirt in his hand] This is crazy. You can't make a dirt ball.
Dwight K. Schrute: [sobbing] I miss her so much.
Jim: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: You know? [Dwight screams and throws dirt ball at Jim]

Todd: [to Erin] Hey, Moonface. Nice to see those shiny, little Chinese eyes of yours.
Clark: [to Pam] Who's this guy?
Pam: Bad.