Michael Scott: No, I'm always good for some serious buckage. Wow. Two dollars, three dollars. People out here do not care about diseases. I am going to give you $25.
Oscar: That's- That's- That's very generous.
Michael Scott: Oh, my gosh. Well, listen, Oscar, generosity and togetherness and community all convalescences into morale. That's what I say, so [clicks tongue].

Michael Scott: What do you know about Meredith?
Dwight K. Schrute: I don't think she'd be missed.
Michael Scott: There's not going to be downsizing, Dwight, okay? I just I need to know a little bit more about my friend.
Dwight K. Schrute: Name: Meredith Palmer. Personal information: divorced twice, two kids. Employer: Dunder Mifflin Paper Incorporated. Awards: multiple Dundees.
Michael Scott: I know all that. I need something kind of embarrassing, you know. Kind of fun, inside.
Dwight K. Schrute: She had a hysterectomy.
Michael Scott: Which one is that again?
Dwight K. Schrute: That's where they remove the uterus.
Michael Scott: Oh, God! Dwight, no. I'm trying to write something funny, okay? What am I going to do with a removed uterus?
Dwight K. Schrute: It could be kinda funny.

Dwight K. Schrute: Can I trust Jim? I don't know. Do I have a choice? No, frankly, I don't. Will I trust Jim? Yes. Should I trust Jim? You tell me.

Michael Scott: Jim, good party, huh? Just a little something I whipped up. You know, a little morale boost. No big deal.
Jim: Speaking of which, I meant to tell you. Very impressive, the donation you gave to Oscar's charity. What was it, 25 bucks?
Michael Scott: Well, you know, money isn't everything, Jim. It's not the key to happiness. You know what is? Joy. You should remember that. Maybe you'll give more than three dollars next time.
Jim: Yeah, well, three dollars a mile is gonna end up being like 50 bucks. So... God, I can't even calculate what you're gonna have to give.
Michael Scott: ... Is Oscar around?

Meredith: "Meredith, good news. You're not actually a year older because you work here where time stands still."
Michael Scott: I don't know about that.
Meredith: That was Stanley. "Meredith, happy birthday. You're the best. Love, Pam."
Michael Scott: Aw! [gagging] Thanks, downer.
Meredith: This is from Michael. "Meredith, let's hope the only downsizing that happens to you is that someone downsizes your age."
Michael Scott: Because of the downsizing. Rumors. And because you're gettin' old.

Jim: I have just convinced Dwight he needs to go to Stamford and spy on our other branch. No, no, no. But before he does so, I told him that he should dye his hair to go undercover.
Pam: That's perfect!
Jim: If we can get him to drive to Connecticut and put peroxide in his hair.

Dwight K. Schrute: Do I feel bad about betraying Jim? Not at all. That's the game. [Dwight has peroxide-blonde hair] Convince him we're in an alliance, get some information, throw him to the wolves. That's politics, baby. Get what you can outta someone, then crush them. I think Jim might have learned a very valuable lesson.

Michael Scott: Look, I talked to Corporate about protecting sales staff. They couldn't guarantee it if we're downsizing. But we're not downsizing, so-
Dwight K. Schrute: Bottom line. Do I need to be worried?
Michael Scott: Mm, mm, mm. Maybe.

Pam: You still wanna have a party?
Michael Scott: Yeah, why not? Sure. Go ahead, live a little. Come on, Pam. Come on, shake it up. Shake it up! Shake it up! Brrrp! Uh, Spock, are there any signs of life down there? Well, let me check, Captain. Eeee! Eeee! Eeee! Eeee! No, Captain. No signs of life down here. Just a wet blanket named Pam. Brrr-rrrp. Star Trek.

Phyllis: Well, for decorations, maybe we could- It's stupid. Forget it.
Angela: What?
Phyllis: I was going to say maybe we could have streamers, but that's dumb, everybody has streamers. Never mind.
Angela: No. Yeah, I think that's a good idea. What color do you guys think?
Phyllis: Well, there's green, blue, yellow, red.
Pam: How about green?
Angela: I think green is kind of whoreish.