Dwight K. Schrute: For several weeks, my Secret Santa has been giving me pieces of a machine that I've been attempting to assemble. I'm suspicious of this because I had the exact same idea for catching Osama bin Laden. I would simply send him a different piece each day. He would assemble it to find himself... in jail!

Dwight K. Schrute: In a head-to-head contest, people prefer Belsnickel over Santa every time. There aren't as many songs about him, but I attribute that more to rhyming difficulties. My brother and I wrote one once. It was about a fickle pickle salesman who would tickle you for a nickel.

Jim: Do you remember what you said to me on my first day at work, just before you walked me over to my desk?
Pam: Yeah. "Enjoy this moment, because you're never going to go back to this time before you met your desk-mate Dwight."
Jim: And that's when I knew. You?
Pam: You came up to my desk and you said, "This might sound weird, and there's no reason for me to know this, but that mixed berry yogurt you're about to eat has expired."
Jim: That was the moment that you knew you liked me?
Pam: Yep.
Jim: Wow. Can we make it a different moment?
Pam: Nope.

Pam: I haven't heard anything. But I bet Jim got the job. I mean, why wouldn't he? He's totally qualified and smart. Everyone loves him. And if he never comes back again, that's okay. We're friends. And I'm sure we'll stay friends. We just- We never got the timing right. You know, I shot him down and then he did the same to me and- But you know what, it's okay. I'm totally fine. Everything is going to be totally-
Jim: Pam. Sorry. Are you free for dinner tonight?
Pam: Yes.
Jim: All right. Then it's a date.
Pam: [to camera] I'm sorry. What was the question?

Creed: That's from me.
Jim: Great. Where did you get it?
Creed: I don't know. It was so long ago.
[aside to camera:]
Jim: He obviously forgot to get me something, and then he went into his closet and dug out this little number and then threw it in a bag.
[to camera:]
Creed: Yep. That's exactly what happened.

Michael Scott: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.

Dwight K. Schrute: Michael keeps bragging about his iPod, but you know what? Two paint ball lessons with someone as experienced as I am is worth easily, like, 2 grand.
[at a shooting range:]
Dwight K. Schrute: Take that, Saddam.