Dwight K. Schrute: This is to play when you bring a woman back to your hotel room.
Michael Scott: Oh, very thoughtful. A little mix to set the mood. Delightful. Pop that in.
Dwight K. Schrute: You're gonna like this. [Dwight's voice on the CD] "Hello. This is Dwight Schrute. If you are listening to this you are a lucky woman Michael has seduced. Ah, to be in your shoes. 'What's next?', you're probably wondering. Don't be scared of your night in heaven--" [Michael turns off CD]
Michael Scott: Are you serious? You want me to play that for a woman coming to my room?
Dwight K. Schrute: Yeah. It's practical.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God. No, no. That's not how it works.

Front Desk Clerk: Halpert.
Jim: And Beesly. Tonight we're in two separate rooms and tomorrow night is the honeymoon suite.
Front Desk Clerk: Great.
Jim: I know. We're pretty excited, too.
Pam: Can we take a look at the suite now?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, I'm sorry. Somebody just checked in.
Pam: Oh. Is there another wedding at the hotel this weekend?
Front Desk Clerk: Oh, no. Just an individual. That man over there.
Andy: Hey, I got the room the night before you guys. I'll break in the bed. [laughs]
Jim: I don't like that.
Pam: I'm gonna need the name and cell phone number of the housekeeper responsible for changing the sheets, please.

Michael Scott: Hey, guys. Hey. Could I stay in your room tonight?
Erin: Oh. Gross.
Kelly: Blow my brains out.
Michael Scott: That's rude.
Toby: Michael, I have an extra twin bed, if you want.
Michael Scott: You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life, so you should just get used to it.

Pam: Hey, Meemaw.
Meemaw: I wasn't sure about your branch of the family, after I heard about your parent's divorce. But you and Jim are just perfect. God bless you.
Pam: Oh. Thank you, but nobody's perfect.
Meemaw: Well, I wouldn't care to live if I thought that.

Dwight K. Schrute: From quarter three to quarter four up 17 percent, while his sales down two percent. It's all in the report.
Little Girl: Why would they make the bad man a boss if you're so much smarter?
Dwight K. Schrute: Excellent question. Because while I was busy trying to improve the company and make it a success, Jim - the bad man - was busy kissing the boss man's butt.
Kids: Ewwww!
Dwight K. Schrute: That's right. It is ew. It is very ew.

Michael Scott: [clears throat] Okay. Okay. Hey. What I think Jim is trying to say is that... They had an accident, and you know what? These two people, they're living together, they're having lots of consensual sex
Meemaw: They were living together?
Michael Scott: Yes. Yes, they were living together. Yes. And you know what? You can't expect them to be careful every time. Because, frankly, it's just a different sensation.
Jim: Michael.
Michael Scott: When you c- Well? Am I wrong? They say it's not different, but it's a different sensation.
Jim: Oh, my God. Please.
Michael Scott: When you use something to block- I think everybody knows what I am talking about. It's not necessarily different for the woman-
Pam: Michael.
Michael Scott: -but it's different for the- Okay, okay.
Pam: Michael. Stop.
Michael Scott: All right. My point is I said what I wanted to say and Meemaw, I hope you heard every word

Pam: Hey, smooth guys.
Jim: I'm so sorry.
Michael Scott: Can you believe it? He screwed up, not me.
Pam: Meemaw's not coming to the wedding. She's leaving tomorrow morning.
Jim: Oh, my God. Are you serious?
Michael Scott: There's gonna be a free room?

Angela: And where do you think you're going?
Pam: I was just going to go down to the hotel bar for a little bit.
Angela: Well, why don't I just save you some time and kick you in the stomach instead?
Pam: I just wanted to get out of my room for a little while.
Angela: Mmm-hmm. Okay. I'll go with you. Come on.
Pam: [sighs] Nevermind.
Angela: Are you sure?
Pam: Yeah.
Angela: It'll be fun.
Pam: No.

Kevin: It's good. It's a good idea.
Oscar: It's not a good idea. There's no such thing as a good hairpiece.
Kevin: Yeah. But that's easy enough for you to say, Oscar. You have that thick, beautiful, Chicano hair. So nice.

Kevin: What else you got?
Andy: Did someone change my name to Baskin Robbin? Because I feel like a banana split. Woo! [Andy does a split and screams in agony]