Dwight K. Schrute: I'm just worried about the farm, ya know? Mose hates to geld the horses by himself.
Michael Scott: Dwight, Dwight. Shut up about the farm. It's not relatable. Nobody owns a farm.
Isabel: Wait. You're worried about your horses? That's cool. How many horses do you have?
Dwight K. Schrute: Nine and three-quarters.
[aside to camera:]
Dwight K. Schrute: I invented a device called 'Burger on the Go'. It allows you to obtain 6 regular size hamburgers, or 12 sliders, from a horse without killing the animal. George Foreman is still considering it. Sharper Image is still considering it. Sky Mall's still considering it. Hammacher Schlemmer is still considering it. Sears said no.

Jim: I bought those boat tickets the day I saw that YouTube video. I knew we'd need a back-up plan. The boat was actually Plan C. The church was Plan B and Plan A was marrying her a long, long time ago. Pretty much the day I met her.

Michael Scott: Hi, Meemaw. It's Michael.
Meemaw: Oh. You're that foul man that kept talking about intercourse.
Michael Scott: Yes. Yep. One in the same. May I?
[aside to camera:]
Michael Scott: I am actually great with old women. In fact, for the longest time, my best friend was my grandmother. And then she met Harriet and now she thinks she's better than everybody.

Meemaw: I should have known. The hotels television set had a movie on called "Bruno" last night. The remote control had so darn many buttons on it, I couldn't turn it off. So I had to just sit there while it happened to me. I wondered, "How could they pick such a hotel?" Hmm. Now, I know.
Pam: Meemaw.

Stanley: Mr. and Mrs. Stanley Hudson.
Michael Scott: Hey, Stanley? Favor? Can I stay in your room tonight?
Stanley: Are you out of your mind? I brought Cynthia with me.
Michael Scott: Not in the same bed. In the other bed.
Stanley: I got one queen size bed.
Michael Scott: You. Are. Kidding me.
Stanley: A queen size bed is five feet wide. I am not five feet wide, Michael.
Michael Scott: I'm not a physics major, Stanley. I'm just saying be careful.

Pam: Phyllis, if you could switch to a different soap, just for a month or two? Yours is kind of perfumy.
Phyllis: Now this is getting ridiculous.
Dwight K. Schrute: Oh, gee, I'm sorry. I guess I missed the meeting where we all all voted for you to get pregnant. No! I reserve the right to peel my hard-boiled eggs at my desk.
Meredith: All morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I am not stopping for anybody.
Pam: I don't think I'm asking for too much. [to camera:] I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace.

Michael Scott: Okay and don't embarrass me when we go to Niagara.
Andy: What happens in Niagara, stays in Niagara. [laughter]
Michael Scott: Don't. Don't. Don't. You stole my joke. Don't steal my joke.
Andy: Nom I didn't steal your joke.
Michael Scott: Yes, I said that yesterday.
Dwight K. Schrute: But you can say that about anything.
Michael Scott: Dwight...
Dwight K. Schrute: What happens in accounting, stays in accounting.
Kevin: Oh yeah.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Please, please. Dwight, that's my joke.
Dwight K. Schrute: It's so easy. That's what I'm saying.
Michael Scott: This is what I'm talking about. When we leave here and go up to Niagara Falls we are representing Dunder Mifflin, everyone. This is a very important wedding for the branch. The most important wedding until I get married. So, I want you all on your best behavior or so help me, God. So... I will see you up there in Viagra Falls!

Dwight K. Schrute: I stole the guest list from Jim's desk and I search engined every female on both sides of the family.
Michael Scott: Get out of here.
Dwight K. Schrute: Yes.
Michael Scott: Oh, my God, Dwight.
Dwight K. Schrute: For instance, Pam's cousin, Jocelyn Webster.
Michael Scott: There's... a name.
Dwight K. Schrute: Two years ago she was selling a mountain bike.
Michael Scott: Oh. Well, tell me about Jocelyn.
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, she's really into mountain biking but not so much lately.
Micheal: Okay.
Dwight K. Schrute: She had a couple hundred dollars to spend, I mean, if she was able to sell her bike.
Michael Scott: Is that all you have on her?
Dwight K. Schrute: Well, if this is in fact her because it is a very common name.
Michael Scott: Okay, you're an idiot.

Kevin: People don't think of me as one of the sharper dressers in the office, but I'm going to turn that around at this wedding. I thought, how could I take it to the next level? The hair. [Angela beeps her car horn.] It's the hair-- [beeps again.] Okay, okay. I'm going. [long beep] God.

Pam: Hey, my aunt told me something neat.
Jim: Yeah?
Pam: She said everything with the wedding goes by so fast we should try to take mental pictures of the high points.
Jim: Oh, wow. That's cool.
Pam: Yeah.
Jim: [aims imaginary camera at Pam] Click. Oh, you blinked. Damn it. Now that's in my brain forever.
Pam: Oh.
Jim: Lousy picture.
Pam: We should have hired a professional to take our mental pictures.