Michael Scott: Okay, too many different words coming at me from too many different sentences.
Dwight K. Schrute: Lock your door!
Michael Scott: I'm not gonna lock my door. [door locks]

Oscar: [on the phone] Jim, It's Oscar. I'm so sorry to be calling you on your honeymoon.
Jim: Oscar. What is going on?
Oscar: It's Michael. He thinks he's being shaken down by the mob. I don't know how you usually handle this?
Jim: We're in Puerto Rico, so...
Pam: Hey, Oscar. It's Pam. We're on our honeymoon.
Oscar: Pam, I'm sorry.
Pam: Unless someone very close to us is in immediate physical danger, you should not be calling us.
Oscar: You're right. You're right. [call disconnects]

Dwight K. Schrute: Here's what we do. We meet him in a public place. Ask him to lunch or something like that. Some place he can't be openly violent. Let him know that you are not kind of guy that he can shake down.
You're stubborn. You might even be a little bit dangerous. I like this plan. I'd like to officially withdraw my plan.
Michael Scott: Hold on.
Andy: No, no, no. My plan is out. We do it the hard way.
Michael Scott: All right. I will meet with him. But I am not going alone.
Andy: You're gonna have to.
Dwight K. Schrute: We'll be right beside you.

Michael Scott: What? What are you wearing? Who's Pat?
Andy: If I'm gonna back you up, I need a weapon without drawing suspicion. And I have to justify it somehow, so I'm a mechanic with a tire thing.
Dwight K. Schrute: Do you know how to use it?
Andy: To change tires? No. But it's metal. I could hit somebody with it.

Dwight K. Schrute: he bathroom checks out clean. Nothing behind the toilet except this roach motel.
Andy: Oh! God! [Andy bangs the roach]
Dwight K. Schrute: You'll never kill it that way. You want to separate the head from the thorax.

Kevin: [answering phone] Hello.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Halpert? I'm calling from the identity theft department at Capital One. We've detected some unusual activity on your credit card.
Kevin: Oh, man, do you think it was stolen?
Agent: First, would you mind verifying your home address?
Kevin: Uh, yes. [looking through papers on Kevin's desk, finds a paycheck] Linden Ave., Scranton, PA.
Agent: May I have the last four digits of your social security?
Kevin: Six six five zero.
Agent: Well, Mr. Halpert, you're obviously not in San Juan, Puerto Rico.
Kevin: Wait a minute. Yes, I am.
Agent: I'm going to go ahead put a hold on your card.
Kevin: No. I think that we should let the criminal use the card a little longer.
Agent: Very funny, sir. We'll get a new card out to you right away. You have a nice day. And thank you.
Kevin: Shoot.

Oscar: Why would you cancel Jim's credit cards?
Kevin: I usually can think quick on my feet. But they were so fast on the phone.
Oscar: This constitutes identify fraud.
Kevin: God. I wouldn't last in jail, Oscar. I'm not like you.
Oscar: What's that supposed to mean?
Kevin: You don't know about jail? Oh, you would love jail.
Oscar: Why would I love jail?
Kevin: Because... You would love it.

Michael Scott: I don't think our company actually needs any more insurance. So I am out.
Mr. Grotti: Look closely, Michael. I feel there's a plan here for you.
Andy: Maybe we have a plan for you.
Mr. Grotti: How about you? Maybe you can use supplemental coverage of some kind. Anybody can get hurt. You always think it can't happen to you, and... [bams fist on table] Think about it.

Woman: Excuse me. Sorry to bother you. Are you a mechanic?
Andy: Uh... yeah.
Woman: My battery's dead. I've got my kid. Can you please help?
Andy: Yes, I can.
Michael Scott: No, no, no. Come on, I'm sorry. We're having our salads.
Mr. Gotti: Come on. Lady in distress. Go, go!
Andy: Okay.
Woman: Sorry. Thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
Michael Scott: Do you need any help?

Michael Scott: [on phone] Listen, man. I got a problem. I think I'm in trouble with the mob. Or a major insurance carrier.
Jim: That sounds bad.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know. And you usually can get out of stuff like this, so I'm turning to you, my friend.
Jim: I'm gonna help you through it, okay? All you're gonna need to- And then go to-
Michael Scott: Jim, are you-
Jim: And you'll be saved.
Michael Scott: What? Wait, I didn't hear a thing you just said.
Jim: Just a- And then you'll be saved.
Michael Scott: No, God, I missed the important part again.
Jim: A- And you'll be saved.
Michael Scott: No, Jim. Please, repeat what you're saying. I can't understand you!
Jim: A- B- Bermuda Triangle. Please don't call again.